The Role I Play in My Family

As Originally Posted on Medium

The role I play in my family is one that I know wasn’t normal.

What can I do?

I saw the other kids playing outside while I stayed alone, unable to leave out of fear for my family’s safety. But I shouldn’t dare frown, or else I would be scolded. I learned that my feelings are last and never to be spoken of.

What I feel is incorrect and not appropriate.

I’ve witnessed fighting between family members and having to be the one to clean up the pieces. I had to take on adult responsibilities to maintain the peace within my home.

I was the rock of my family — without me, everything would have fallen apart. I am the person to rely on, and I am the one who needs to do better and be better.

I was stuck having to clean up turmoil and soothe a fight between relatives.

I am the one who steps up when others won't.

There are so many things that I did that supported my family throughout the years. I never gave my family money, but I gave them my valuable time.

Although I was a child for much of it, I was included as if I was an adult. I needed to be proper at all times and never have a hair out of place. The rules that were piled onto me, were like a heavy weight I was forced to carry.

I felt like a failure if I messed up any of the rules. I wanted to be the best for my family but it was very hard to live up to their expectations. I was only a kid; I should have only been a kid.

I can’t eat because I will get fat, I need to stay pretty, or I am worthless.

I wasn’t worth much of anything unless I could give something.

But of course, things weren’t always bad. I had some beautiful memories; these are times I cherished.

Now, the good seems to be taken over by the bad memories. I am lost at trying to grapple with the remanents of my family.

Over the months, I have found that it is okay to come from darkness and destruction; I’ll grow a field of flowers to make up for every bad memory.

I will have a garden filled with love and a home filled with happy faces.

I am not naive, but I have hope that the family I build will be far better than what I had.

Reflecting on this, I can see that my family put me into a position of an adult, with the rights of a child.

Nevermind the fighting between grown adults, the manipulation amongst family members, and the numerous lies that kept the family together.

I had always dreamed of having a family that was helping, caring, and loving.

Although I am 26, my days of having that close family throughout my life are over. I do have a few family members left over, and I am grateful for them.

The ones that I have chosen to keep in my life are out of love.

I am rebuilding what I want as a family, and I will lead the way. When I have children, I do not want them to be involved in the fighting.

I want my future children to see healthy communication between family members and be happy instead of afraid.

I want my future kids to be kids.

I will do everything in my power to give them that.

Knowing that I have the power to make my child's life better than mine once was, gives me hope that I can heal fully one day.