The Robin on the Fence

You were beautiful. Graceful. Kind. Honest. Patient. Some would even go as far to say you were perfect.

Growing up, I was always the black sheep of the family. I was adopted, but you never let me feel like I was when I was with you.

There were so many nights in my youth that I would get sent to my room without dinner, and I would sneak the landline into my room and called you crying telling you that I was hungry and that mommy and daddy were fighting again. Every time, you came over and made it seem like you were just "dropping some cookies by for the kids." You always came into my room and snuck in food for me. You didn't want to do too much to ruffle the feathers, but you were always on my side.

When I was 14, my parents kicked me out of the house for getting caught by the police at the skateboard park after the town curfew. I wasn't doing anything bad, I was only skating in secret because my parents wouldn't let me leave the house except for school. I was always grounded for not getting "good enough" grades. I wasn't perfect like my sister was. I got Bs & Cs... she was a straight A student. Then again, she was their biological daughter, and maybe that played a part in why I was always easily cast aside.

You came to the house and picked me up with all of my suitcases and tears streaming down my face. I was just a kid. I didn't understand what I had ever done to make my parents hate me so much. I tried to make them proud. I tried to fit in. I tried to be a good daughter. I tried to make them love me. The suicidal thoughts started creeping in at such a young age, but I knew it would destroy you if I ever followed through.

You took me home and set me up in one of the spare bedrooms which you called "The Princess Room." You let me decorate it, got me a desk, and always made sure I felt welcome. We loved our weekly trips to Costco. You let me pick out whatever I wanted for my school lunches. I never went to bed hungry there.

About 7 months after moving in, I told you that I wanted to audition for American Idol. You were extremely supportive, unlike my parents. They always told me I would never make a career out of doing music and that I would end up amounting to nothing. A few weeks later, you drove me 3 hours away for the audition, stood outside in the freezing cold for 6 hours with me waiting. You made a little sign with my name on it and were waving it around for everyone to see. When I came out of the audition, I told you I made it, and you were so proud. I ended up making it just past hollywood week, and you were there every step of the way.

I moved to New Zealand when I was 16. You didn't want me to go, and to be honest, neither did I, but my parents were trying to marry me off into a rich family there that we had met on holiday a couple years previous. My parents had even gone as far as signing over legal guardianship of myself to them. I was so lost there for nearly 3 years, and by the time I was old enough to make my own decisions, you and grandpa had moved from California to Arizona.

When I came back from New Zealand, I moved straight to San Diego with a friend as my parents had made it very clear that I wasn't welcome back home.

I had been San Diego for just over a year, I had met someone and we were living together. I was sat at home one night and I suddenly had a bad gut feeling. I told my boyfriend at the time that I had a feeling that grandpa was going to pass away soon. 20 minutes later, my phone rang. It was the call. You told me that he had had a stroke and was on life support in Arizona. I was on the first flight and the first one of the family to get there. I sat there with you for a few hours until the dreaded moment my mom arrived. She walked into the room and asked me what I was doing there. She blamed me for his stroke, saying I put too much stress on him over the years and from living with you when I was a teenager. I had never felt so guilty even though I know it wasn't my fault and you reassured me that it wasn't. I sat there with you and grandpa for 3 days holding his hand and trying to comfort you until he passed away the day before your 64th wedding anniversary. It broke me. I didn't know what I was going to do, but was mostly worried about you.

I went back home to San Diego a few days later, packed my things and moved to Arizona to take care of you. I slept in your bed with you for three weeks as you couldn't sleep alone. I held you while you cried. We did everything together. For 8 months, I stayed and helped you until I moved back to San Diego.

In 2018 I got married and moved to London. Thats a story for another day, but I went back often to visit you in Arizona. We facetimed nearly every day. I was always most excited to share any good news or new endeavors with you. You were my saving grace.

COVID hit and I was stranded in London unable to come see you for almost 2 years. In August of 2021, I was finally able to get a flight to Arizona. I spent just over a week with you. We went dancing together, and shopping. We went out to dinner and to church like we always did. We took photos and made some beautiful memories and when it came time for me to go back to London something just didn't feel right. I never knew that when you hugged me goodbye at the airport that day that it would be the last time. The day after I flew home you went into hospital with pnuemonia, contracted COVID and passed away shortly after. I was on facetime with auntie and she put the phone up next to you so I could say goodbye.

"Hey grandma. I know you are ready to go see grandpa but I just needed to tell you a few things first. I want to say thank you for always being there for me, for raising me, loving me and making me feel like I was a part of something bigger. You don't know this, but you are the only reason I'm still alive and I don't know what I am ever going to do without you, but you saved my life, and I can't thank you enough. Please watch over me, give me a sign that you're still around once in a while. I will see you soon. I love you."

And then you were gone. I have never experienced pain like that. How was I ever supposed to go on in life when you were the only reason I was still here?

Barbara Jean Kellar Gray, you saved me. You are my hero, and I will spend the rest of my days trying to be the best version of myself that you helped shape.

P.S. I know that the robin on my fence is you. Thank you for coming to see me.