The probable incapability to have children.

Here I am, sat working from home with a cup of tea at my side and a hot water bottle over my belly. Pen and paper to the side of me and listening to a zoom call.

last night I did my 3rd pregnancy test this year, ever since my miscarriage in 2017 i do one once a month if I've had a break on my pill whereby the possibility of becoming pregnant arises itself again. When the incident happened i was on my pill, used condoms and everything just because I was extra cautious, in the last 4 years since the incident i have met my soulmate, we have our own house and he is wanting to get engaged next year when the world is normal once again. We recently moved in and as you do, we have celebrated the fact that we for the first time in our relationship have a whole house to ourselves.

last night I did my 3rd pregnancy test of the year and it came back negative, not that I am wanting to have children right now but that I am scared I can't conceive, we want a big family, to keep up tradition of his Greek heritage and I am worried i can't give him what he so deserves.

So here I am, another month, another year after, wearing a pad waiting for the pain to pass through and run it's cycle for another week of fast mood swings and a LOT of pain. I suppose if i get a normal cycle then my body must be able to cope with bearing children? But nothing gets explained anymore, nothing about what we should be looking for in case our bodies can't keep up or what we should be looking for as a sign that they are, in fact working as normal.

I just want to be ready and alert for the possibility of it coming back positive, I want to know that my body works! When my miscarriage happened I didn't know I was pregnant, there were no signs, nothing to impact the idea into my brain. I didn't even know. So now when i'm trying to know, nothing's happening, no indication to the idea.

So what do I do? How can I fix myself? If i don't want to have kids right now but want to know if it's a possibility for the future? not think about it? not worry about it because it's in the future and that isn't the present? Things like this mess with your head when you've been through a trauma experience.

What's next?