The lessons I learned from you

The lessons my mom taught me could be viewed as harsh concepts to acquire from a mother. But aren’t we all products of our surroundings at times? My mom reached the lowest point in her life when her brother took his own life. She did not care about report cards anymore from school. She could not get out of bed to cook anymore. She had lost herself entirely in grief. Which is something I boldly understand now. She had met a man that distracted her from the warped reality she was now facing. She started getting out of bed to see him. I was excited thinking maybe the mom I once had so much love for had returned. Until I came home from school weeks later to see nothing, but her bed frame left. My grandma told me that she was sorry. There was nothing that could have said to make her stay. I remember crying in my grandma’s recliner until the fabric was stained. I used to see this as neglect until I realized that this was her way of coping, not to forget about us. Instead, to make it feel like she could forget the depression that left her bound to sleep forever. It was not that I was not enough.

1. She taught me that love does not always make someone stay. Often this has nothing to do with you, rather them.

Years had gone by since she had started a new life with the man she had left for. One day, on a random birthday she had emailed me. Since I had changed my number. I was angry at first. Why does she want to acknowledge me now? Did she hear about the bad habits I turned to when she left? Does she know I just wanted to feel something? I met with her at an Arby’s later that week. We still had the same eyes. That is all I kept thinking. The resemblance in us was undeniable. Why did I want to hug her forever instead of yell to get the answers I had longed for? I think I ignored the hesitation in her voice when she told me life was better for her now. She offered for me to move in with her. I longed for her effort for countless years now. That is why without reluctance I said yes. I then knew she left one depth of hell for another.

2. She taught me the grass indeed is not always greener on the other side. That if you lack self-love when you meet someone, its likely they reciprocate that same emptiness. You attract what you have to offer. Denial of a situation can be pretty on someone’s face in public, until you are behind the closed doors. That have no escape.

I cannot get too much into this topic. There were too many occasions to count. I remember her pushing him out of the house locking it after she looked at him “disrespectfully”, then he broke through the window. Shattered glass and vivid screams. My mom telling me to stay in the closet while she was on the phone to the police. When the Officers would arrive, she would always have story made up to explain the misunderstanding. She had run into something was one of the usual lines rehearsed. Or bruises magically appeared in her sleep. Then there was the time I had a busted lip; I saw her give me this look when they asked to talk to me in private. I apparently had gotten into a fight at school that is how I explained the damage. That is when she had taught me how to lie efficiently too. Which indeed is a hard habit to break when that becomes ones normal. One of the many things I have tried to reverse in my brain when I reached adulthood.

3. She taught me that you can be just as lonely with someone as being alone. Chaos was the one thing that kept my mom on her toes. Distracting her from facing the past. Her mission was to fix him, rather than fix herself.

4. She taught me that sometimes you are in love with the idea of love. What it could be but is not. That the concept of love can fix whatever is broken. This is the worst perception to believe in. Sadly, two broken people do not make one. Despite math saying two halves make a whole.

5. She taught me how to lie to others. It was hard to distinguish what truth surrounded anymore. Also, who deserves the truth. The lines were blurred. It is a good thing to be able to construct a story to surprise a lover such as a birthday party. That maybe is an appropriate situation. But it is another to be able to lie like it is your first language to a significant other about anything. It was out of fear, it was remembering that past, it was abandonment lurking in the night.

6. She taught me that sometimes people can manipulate to where you chase crumbs of them. Only to be deprived of a fulfilling love. Ultimately, that reflects the amount of worth you see in yourself. That is why you were their chosen one, they know they can give you little to nothing. This is the cycle I wish I listened to firsthand from seeing it happen to my mom. But sometimes you never learn the trap thoroughly until you are the victim caught. Some never get out of that vicious cycle. I knew my mom saw more in me than she did in herself. That is why I chose to end the cycle. While my other sister chose to follow that same broken road leading to that same rock bottom.

7. She taught me that if I did not heal from the trauma. I would bleed on those around me who never inflicted the pain. She explained to me that she stained me from her traumas in the process. That she was sorry. I know she almost choked on the words when they came out. She had burst into tears. She was not asking for my forgiveness in this moment. Hurt people do in fact hurt people.

8. She taught me saying sorry to someone is not always asking someone for forgiveness. It is the start of the process to forgive yourself. Admitting you did wrong is the first way to start the journey to self-redemption. She was never less of a mom despite her shortcomings. She made the best out of the cards that were dealt to her. Even when the deck was shuffled, I knew she would eventually become the Queen she was meant to be.

9. She taught me that the mirror can be a scary image when you lose yourself in someone else. Though that can be the best depiction… you get to build exactly who you want out of the reflection. There are no limits to creating a masterpiece. Especially when the canvas is stripped white. The possibilities are endless.

10. She taught me that running away from the root of your hurt, will only manifest more branches that can suffocate you if you do not confront the patterns. Self-sabotage can grow in result of this if not tended to with kindness and understanding. You deserve to water yourself with empathy. We are part of nature just like the trees.

11. Most of all my mom taught me that love knows no bounds. I felt her in my heart when she was around, also in her times of vacancy. Her love grew for me despite the circumstances. As well as my love for her. Having her as my mom is nothing short of a miracle. She taught me loss, freedom, forgiveness, compassion, and how to instill confidence she lacked in herself. We fuel each other to become better every day. Love is unconditional in every essence of the definition.