The Last Day of 2025

2025 was an objectively hard year for me. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't extremely thrilled to be done with whatever this last year has been! It is fitting that I want to use Wednesdays to write wacky things... and the end of 2025 is on a Wednesday - as it has been one wacky year!

January 2025

• I was pregnant - and the father didn't want the child.
• I was told that my daughter had a potential sexual assault.
• I found out that I was having triplets, but there were complications.

February 2025

• I lost one of the babies.
• I was told that the place that was supposed to help my daughter, was inaccessible to her and that no one knew if she had been assaulted or not because they wouldn't use pictures or dolls or allow a familiar person to "translate" for her speech delay.
• I was told that the alleged perpetrator was going to be informed - and that there wasn't anything going to be done to protect my daughter from potential future abuse.
• I was able to be tested for autism.

March 2025

• I was assaulted "for (insert my daughter's name)" a few days after the alleged perpetrator was told of the allegations.
• I lost my twins - and had it confirmed a couple of weeks later.
• I learned that I am autistic - which explains a lot.
• I learned that my perspective doesn't matter to local family services: I was and am "just the mom."

April 2025

• I had my reevaluation of services with the county and spent the time that they were going over all of the questions with me feeling completely overwhelmed.
• I was panicking because if I was honest about how much was currently going wrong, would they use it to try to "lock me up" again against my wishes?
• I started being cold deep inside of my bones... I couldn't get my bones to warm up. I was told that it could be autistic burnout.
• My hallucinations all disappeared.

May 2025

The coldness remained as I continued having a lot of trouble functioning.

I started drinking to compensate for the coldness - never in a way that could affect my kids though.

I tried going back on a SSRI to "kill off" my emotions.

My hope that my children's father would actually keep his word and act in their best interests (as we had just agreed to do in mediation) quickly failed as I watched him repeatedly violate our court order.

June 2025

• I got turned down for a number of services. Some were because I was late on paperwork (something about grieving and struggling to survive), and some were because my autism diagnosis was questioned because I said no to giving social workers the "raw test data."
• I had to go off of the SSRI because the lack of feelings started getting replaced by rage. Intense rage that made me fear for certain individual's safety... y'know after the last 6 months...
• I found an autism community and was told that I needed to stop trying to do so much because I was displaying all of the common symptoms of burnout. I had to laugh because... I was just turned down for a number of services.
• I started dating a guy - seriously dating him.

July 2025

• I went on my first trip alone with my kids. It was scary, but it was very much needed. My bones briefly were not frozen inside my body.
• I broke up with the guy I had been dating. Turns out? I am now allergic to being lied to or having my boundaries crossed... imagine that! I break out in "stay away from me!"'s lol
• I went back to drinking to try to cope with my freezing cold bones.
• I appealed the removal of county services.
• I ended the month knowing that I was going to make a terrible decision - a "dangerous" impulsive decision... and picked my target...

August 2025

• My kid's turned 7 and 5 this month!
• I managed to get through 2 court cases - appeal hearings - with accommodations that I didn't know that I could ask for!
• I was disappointed when the court hearing that was supposed to hold my ex accountable was pushed off for a month.
• I had to prep for a court case on unreimbursed medical expenses from my ex refusing to pay.
• And remember that "dangerous" decision I made? Yeah... he is most definitely trouble...

September 2025

• Trouble and I went on a long weekend trip. My bones warmed up again.
• Trouble asked me to be his girlfriend... and I froze. I knew that I was going to say yes, but I froze and he didn't pressure me or make me feel bad for how my brain works... I told him yes a couple of days later. ;-)
• I turned 30! And celebrated with another much needed trip with my kids. My bones once again warmed up briefly.
• I got through all of the court things - now I am just waiting... and upset that my ex has managed to get away with failing to follow our custody agreement because no one told me what to file!

October 2025

• I won against my ex on one set of problems!
• I partially won and partially lost in regards to my appealing removal of services.
• I lost some of my support system.
• I realized that I had to restructure my life in order to make the cold in my bones manageable.
• My daughter was diagnosed with autism - and I was directed to both a counselor for my autism and a counselor for my children!

November 2025

• I was diagnosed with a bad health diagnosis that required surgery.
• I wanted to break up with Mr. Trouble - to save him from the dumpster fire that my life is... but my Mom rescued him by pointing out that I was taking his free will away from him.
• I told Mr. Trouble about my diagnosis - and he stayed!
• I found a house that I love that is closer to my Mom and closer to my children's specialists - and it doesn't have any major problems!
• I celebrated Thanksgiving with my kids and boyfriend - despite nothing else going as planned!

December 2025

• My ex informed me that he wasn't going to allow me to move - and his actions communicated that he would not be taking part in mediation for parenting time and therefore trying to force me to not move by weaponizing our custody order.
• My feelings about some county workers and their continued inappropriate statements towards me as well as not getting accommodations that I needed, finally tipped me over the edge from freeze mode to fight mode.
• I got approved for a loan for the new house!
• I am making fairly good progress on packing...
• I had surgery - and found out that I have even higher standards of treatment now.
• The surgery was a success... in some ways.

I am scared... scared of who I am becoming... scared because I do know exactly what I am capable of.

But, I am also ready to start living my life for me.

I do not know what this next year will hold, but I do know that tonight, for the first time in several years, I have a man beside me who I love - and who loves me. He doesn't ask me to shrink. He doesn't ask me to change ... well... he does say that my bare minimum does need changed. ;-) He is working on that!

I have my children safely with me tonight - and I have almost entirely accepted that not a single person on this planet can force their dad to do "what he is supposed to do." He will do what he does - and I will continue to be the place our children come to safely fall apart knowing that I don't change in my love for them.

I have some pretty big plans for this next year, but I am also reminding myself to hold space for my needs and room for mistakes.