The emotions connected to grieving a spouse

As I write this my husband has been dead one week and we had his service yesterday, My emotions are all over the place and I’m going with them. Up down and all around this has been a rollercoaster ride and I want off. At times I’m in shock and want to scream because my life partner of 45 years is gone. I only spent the first 17 years of my life without my late husband and that’s a lot to reflect upon.

I cry until I’m retching and gagging. The next moment I’m thankful he is no longer suffering. I’m then angry that we did not get to retire together and live as man and wife until our 80s or 90s. So many people say be thankful because not everyone gets to live with the same partner for 4 decades. In the midst of my grief, I’m not focusing on that but on what may have been.

My heart is hurting and I have no idea when this pain will stop. I had absolutely no idea how gut-wrenching this situation would be but I must deal with it. People keep asking if I’m OK when they know I’m not and I want to yell “Shut up.” I’m thankful and overwhelmed that about 70 people came to the funeral during the pandemic. I appreciate the 400 who watched online and I am forever grateful for every act of kindness, Even so I’m not ready to classify myself as a widow, although I know I am. My children, grandchildren, and others tell me to remember the good times but this does not ease the pain in my heart. This hurts and nothing anyone says has been able to make the pain go away,

I feel as though I am sleepwalking and want someone to wake me, although deep down I know it’s real. I feel like shutting down and not communicating with anyone and going to heaven with my spouse. I know my children, grandchildren, and others are counting on me to be strong but right now I feel defeated. The pain I feel is indescribable and knowing others have experienced it does not help. I’m sleeping downstairs on the couch because I cannot bear to sleep in my bed alone. They say the worst death is for a parent to bury a child. Right now I cannot imagine anything that would top the grief I feel at being without my life partner.

During the height of the pandemic, we spent most of our time in bed watching television. Sometimes I fell asleep lying at the foot of the bed while he was playing music. At other times he went to sleep with me lying by his side. We spent a lot of time doing nothing except being near each other. I’m not the first widow and I won’t be the last but that does not ease my pain. I have no choice but to accept that my husband is dead because he is but other changes can wait, I don’t feel like changing my Facebook status yet and no one can make me. At this moment I feel I will always consider myself Mrs. Michael Lynn Preston Sr. I don’t know what will happen in time but for today this hurts so bad.

If sharing my feelings can help another grieving widow then that’s a good thing. I felt young at 62 but I said years ago I would never remarry. My husband was my one and only and I’m determined to keep it that way. Sometimes I feel angry at the doctors who seemed to give up on him and delayed certain treatments. I get mad at my spouse for not aggressively pursuing better health through diet and exercise. I feel robbed of my future although we had 45 years together. I feel joy when I look at all the memories we shared through pictures.

I’m alternately happy, sad, angry, regretful, depressed, distressed, and disillusioned. I want to scream for somebody to help me but there is no remedy for this. I stood at his casket as they were about to close it and saluted him. I wondered if some people thought I was going to try to pull him out of the coffin? I’ve seen such things take place and knew all eyes were on the grieving widow. This was a moment of fun in a strange way. I loved my husband for 45 years and will continue to do so. If anything changes I’ll write another story as an update. For now I’m a grieving wife who is going through a range of emotions. My life partner is gone and so is his income. Life will be very different for me from now on but I’ll endure. If you enjoyed this story please consider leaving a tip. I’m really going to need them from now on. Thank you.