Grief must be dealt with alone

Once you announce a loved one’s passing, the condolences begin. People call, text, visit, inbox and instant message. They give cards, some with money, send flowers and load you up with food. This is commendable and appreciated but it does not go on forever. Once the casket is closed and the deceased laid to rest, however, things begin to change. It’s true counseling is available and that some people may keep up with you for a while. What is also real and factual is that thetr are some things you must do alone.

Well meaning family and friends will say” If you need anything let me know” which puts the burden on the grieving person. Instead of that well worn shoe, why not just do what you can. This phrase has little meaning because most people do not follow it up with action. Waiting for the grieving parent or widow to reach out to you is wrong. This has caused a lot of depression and anger over the years from those who needed a follow up without begging for it.

When you are alone all kinds of thoughts will come to you, some good and others bad. You will recall fond memories of your loved one or perhaps deal with regrets. People and even councilors may give uou sound advise or they might say things that absolutely anger you. In these alone moments you might see a photo, or a clothing item that brings back a fond memory and the tears begin to flow. When you are by yourself with nobody to talk to, this is when you need inner strength and resolve. This is especially true for widows and widowers who had been married for decades. There are times when spouses die within minutes, hours, days, weeks or within a few moments of each other and now, unfortunately, I understand why.

My husband of 40 years just passed away and my heart is broken. It feels as if part of me went with him and the grief is so strong I have to fight the urge to give up and go with him. I was 17 when I met him and we traveled a path where we had a lot of struggles. I grew up and then older with him by my side. We leaned on each other a lot and he was my best friend. People have told me to spend time with my grandchildren but right now this only reminds me that their Grampy is no longer with us. We had so much fun with the grandkids together so doing it alone will take some adjustments. I will have to decide what to do with my husband’s personal affects and eventually discard them . I understand that some things I must do alone and cannot have anyone else with me. There will be days I cry alone, smile alone and deal with carried emotions all by myself. I can only pray I get through them. I share this story because so many times people don’t acknowledge that there is much you will have to do all by yourself.

My 90 year old aunt gives me strength because she has buried a husband, 2 children, and a granddaughter. She is now living alone and doing quite well. She drove herself to my husbands funeral and I was amazed. She’s still in her own home and I find this commendable. It lets me know that you can survive after the death of a loved one and keep going. My aunt must have so many memories when she is home alone but she never complains and keeps going.

I understand that therapy serves a purpose and having family and friends around can help but we must all face the fact that some aspects of grief must be endured alone. When we depend on others and they don’t follow through this may cause more pain. I had an associate of my husband tell me she was going to round up all of their acquaintances and get them to give a financial donation on behalf of how he was always thetr for his friends. As of this writing she did not get back with me and neither she nor any of the others in that group reached out or attended the service. I understand that we are still in a pandemic and I know that many watched on lines. Even so, it’s a bit disappointing when at such a time you cannot depend on a person’s word, Derp down I did not think this Roman would deliver what she promised so I reflect and move on.

People are human and will disappoint you and it’s to be expected. Some things that are said and done will not he addressed in therapy or with friends so you will have to reflect upon them alone. Certainly if you feel depressed or suicidal you should seek professional help. I am not discouraging anyone from that. What I’m

Pointing out is that there are certain things such as dealing with the deceased personal effects and misting them in the home that no one else can assist you with. You might have a memory or a dream that makes you laugh or cry and thetr will be no one else around yo help you. It’s inevitable that this will happen so just be prepared. No one owes you anything but it’s nice when people do reach out in kindness. The point I’m making is to jot out too much trust in others and you will have less disappointment.