The death of a spouse is different than others

There is something that sets the death of a spouse apart from all others you love who die and that is intimacy. There is a level of connecting that you don’t have with children, siblings, or other relatives. You sleep in the bed with your husband or wife for years or decades and make love with them. Side by side, skin to skin you lay each night. Your significant other knows places on your body that no one else will ever be aware of. You might shower or bathe with your spouse and do other intimate things that are not part of your relationship with other people.

Yes, others say they also loved him or her but; They did not endure the secret things that you may have experienced. Perhaps your spouse was ill and you had to clean up vomit, or toilets. Maybe you changed soiled clothing or linen or wiped their head when they had a fever. Others were not with you as you prayed over your sick spouse night and day, stayed up late watching them cough, or their body wracked with pain. You prepared meals and made sure medications were taken and perhaps endured verbal assaults as the illness was running its course.

You may have spent many nights in a hospital or countless days at a long-term care facility. No one else was helping you day by day with doctor visits, physical therapy appointments, giving insulin shots or other meds. This sounds tedious and certainly, you can do this for others but all of these things can bring a couple closer. You alone rubbed the back, feet, and legs or helped your partner to soak in the tub. You were the one taking him or her to dialysis or to chemo treatments. In such moments bonds can be strengthened and intimate conversations take place. Although you might have assisted other loved ones with their medical treatments the connection with your spouse is so different.

The joining of a man and woman in the act of making love makes them one flesh in a way that does not happen with anyone else. Many people take this for granted but consider how the vagina was made for a penis to fit inside. During that union, two people truly are one. This type of intimacy is not shared with others and this is why life partners often pass away close together. To live and interact with another human for 40, 50, or 60 years is amazing in itself. When that love is being expressed in an intimate manner the bond only strengthens. When your other half passes away, it is literally one half of who you are that is missing.

Older males sometimes can no longer perform sexually and become depressed. Wives then may enjoy every hug and kiss or touch as something very special and this becomes intimacy for them. Redefining the relationship with new normals and finding other ways to express love can draw two people even closer as they embrace a new normal. When the spouse dies, the remaining partner has lost a lover, friend, and confidant that is like no other. People cannot be replaced but life does go on. Some couples however were so close that the surviving spouse simply does not want to try to have another marriage and so remains single.

Couples who share a spiritual bond regarding their faith have yet another connection that binds them together. Those who made it through hard times will also be connected in a way that others will not. It's true that you will miss your parents, siblings, other close relatives, and friends but a spouse dying is like having one half of you disappear. I was married 40 years and dated my husband 5 years prior. That is a long time to share so much and then poof it is gone. My heart goes out to other widows and widowers because I absolutely had no idea how bad this would feel. This is why I am sharing so that others can benefit from what I am learning. Tips are greatly appreciated now that half of my monthly income is gone. Thank you.