satire
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns
The Twins
We twins were born at the Mercy Hospital, from the house at 1231 Cotham road in North Balwyn. It was a large old Victorian house situated on the corner of Cotham and Burke Roads in Melbourne. It is now a motel, but it seemed that then the block was so large the locals mistook sometimes mistook it for a small park and met there at night: for whatever nefarious reasons. It seems that when I was about four years of age in this park-like garden, when on the way to the tram stop I picked up a tiny, teeny, little balloon (it seems it was a dear little pre-used balloon made from rubber!) which, when I was found to be trying to blow it up on the tram, caused immense consternation!
By a.a.gallagher5 years ago in Families
10 Surefire Ways to Get Your Kids to Come Running
Children love playing games. Whether playing hide ‘n seek, or engaged in an entertaining round of “chase-me-around-the-kitchen-table- before-you-force-me-to-put-on-pants,” there is little more frustrating than trying to physically locate and/or contain a child in your own home. And, as many parents have learned, it is extremely difficult to apprehend a child that does not want to be caught. Years of experience have shown that the best way to gather children is to play by a different set of rules—you must get the child to come to you. So the next time you need to get ready for church, or the doctor’s office, or even if you’re just checking up after extended periods of suspicious silence, try these surefire tactics to make even the most stubborn child magically appear:
By Jenay Sherman5 years ago in Families
It All Adds Up
Do you have a second? Yeah, it’ll only take a second. Okay. So, the sink handle – come here, I’ll show you – the sink handle moves up and down. Watch. Up. And down. The more you use it, the more it’s going to wear out. I think what has been happening is that it’s being turned on. Like that. Down. And then when it’s pushed back up, it’s being wrenched. Like that. See how it sorta’ flicks back? It’s not made for that.
By Cody Heagy5 years ago in Families
Why I Hate Pickup Trucks
Why I Hate Pickup Trucks Growing up in Oklahoma, you are expected to like four things: country music, barbecue, football, and pickups. Having discovered that country music wasn’t my thing at an early age, I couldn’t afford to dislike any of the other three. And up until I was five-years-old, that wasn’t a problem. I loved barbecue, played football, and even owned a toy pickup truck or two. Life was good.
By Aaron Kemnitz5 years ago in Families
20 G's
I acquired $20,000 last month, can you believe it?. I got it the old fashion way - I won a contest. No no, not the cake walk thing. I mean yeah, I won too but that was back in November before Thanksgiving at that school festival uptown. I won a pie. I had to do a quick bit of pondering as to whether to accept it or not. I had a vision of a nice bundt cake or German chocolate but instead had a pie foisted on me. It was pecan which is my favorite so I didn’t make waves. This time. Next year I’m gonna get the ground rules before standing on the circle.
By Mark Manche5 years ago in Families
Her Inheritance
Of all of her family members, Aspen was the most tolerable. She sat on the chaise lounge chair of the entertainment room, separated from everyone else. She couldn’t even look at them as they haggled over pieces of her grandfather's estate, arguing over minute details of his confusing will. She sat in silence, grieving in isolation.
By Catherine Grace5 years ago in Families
The Leo Lies
Someone is lying to the world. I won’t tolerate a liar, I just can‘t stand for it. The originator of this vast conspiracy, this web of deceit, has never revealed themself. Should they ever come out of hiding I plan to be at the head of the line to rebuke, chastise and correct their heinous thoughts. I feel as though stopping this aggregious pack of lies would be my gift to the world.
By Dale Austin 5 years ago in Families
Nothing Like Some Family Dysfunction
Have you ever had that intuitive feeling in your gut? You know what I’m talking about ; that feeling that you know something is coming your way, you just weren’t quite sure what it would be. Well, I was always sure of what would happen to me; I knew I would be a big deal. Now, seeing as I wasn’t very popular, was never particularly good at anything and had never really won something in my life (save for that one “participation” medal in elementary, which really is probably even worse than not winning at all), it was long shot to think I would come out on top, but I knew my luck would turn around one day, I just knew it.
By Michael Vidakis5 years ago in Families
A Trip To Florida
Silence... complete and utter silence filled our bedroom. I looked over at my husband. Watched as he stared blankly outside of our window. I sighed. Unsure of what to say or do. Honestly, the only thing that I could manage to muster up was a gentle apology. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t the best when it came to condolences. Most people would probably embrace their spouse, you know try to console them. Not my socially awkward ass. It took me a second to even realize I was giving him that weird church pat on his back. You know the one where people usually say “There there everything is going to be alright.” He smiled, he appreciated my effort despite my uncomfortableness. Chauncey wasn’t one to show much emotion anyway. I had to admit that this situation was a hard pill to swallow. Beyond pouring salt on a wound. I would even call it a living nightmare to be exact. It was only 45 minutes ago that his mother called him hysterically crying. From what I could over hear, his uncle had passed, and willed him his beach house in Florida. We only had a day to get packed, and load up the car.
By Mia 'Oldskool' White5 years ago in Families
