STILL STANDING

She was born the oldest of four from her mother and the middle of seven from her father. She was her parents only child together. Most of her life she felt like the black sheep in both parents’ household. It was not always that way she could remember as far back as the age of five, when children saw the good in everything and everyone. She was blessed not only to know both her grandmothers as well as her grandfather she was blessed to have her great-grandparents as a part of her life also.

She would climb in her great-grandfather big burgundy Cadillac every Sunday for church and would always sit on the arm rest between her two great-grandparents. She would be in the choir stand with her mom singing along. Her mom had this one special song she used to sing in church, and she do not think her mom ever knew how much she would look forward to her singing that song, she thought her mom had the most beautiful voice she had ever heard. If she were not with her mom’s family at church she would be with her grandmother and dad. Her dad was a part of one of the biggest choirs in her hometown, she was her daddy’s shadow and wanted so badly to be in the choir singing with him. Her grandmother saw how much that meant to her and made her, her own choir robe. Her grandmother would always make new clothes for her.

Coming up as a little girl she knew what love and family was. The love she received from her family as a little girl was over flowed. She was love to the point some days after school she would have the chance to choose who she wanted to spend her evening with because more than one person would show up to get her. She was kind of a daddy’s girl just as any other little girl. Wherever her dad went she would follow if she were allowed and majority of the time she could. At work her dad drove this white box trucks making deliveries she never knew what he was delivering, and it did not matter if she was spending time with him that is all that mattered. She also spent a lot of time with both of her grandmothers.

Although she was surrounded by love she had here moments where she had to deal with tears and pain. She was bullied as early as kindergarten. Her teacher would always take the time to wipe her tears and hug her while telling her people can sometimes be mean for no reason, but no matter what people say remember you are a very special and beautiful little girl. She never understood why she was treated and talked about so meanly, no one would really play with her. The little girl’s mom always dressed her nice she had long hair, so she thought and was always clean. This is when her self-esteem first started to slowly decline and fade away.

By the age of seven her mother had a second child, the little girl was jealous, but her mom reassured her she would be loved no less, her mom even gave the baby a name that rhymed with the little girl's. The love from her mom never changed even the baby’s dad always showed her love and took time out with her like she was his own child, even his family loved her and still up to this day. He would remind her of how beautiful she was and would always take pictures of her while she pretends to be a model. But it did not help the struggle she had with her self-esteem.

Now she come to face her second experience of life’s pain. Her great-grandfather passes away. This time she had to deal with the pain on her own, no one ever took the time to talk to her ask her how she was feeling all because they felt she was too young to understand. As she got older things changed in her eyes, she started to notice the things her innocent eyes did not see as a little girl. Not that everything turned bad for the most she was still a happy little girl. Her dad got married to his second wife and she treated the little girl as if she were her own as well, she was even a flower girl in their wedding. Her dad’s wife family loved her too. Although her mom relationship ended, and it was just the three of them happiness was still there.

Her real struggles as a child started with her asking for her dad’s last name, she was not born with his name, her parents were never married. She wanted his name like the other children. Her parents went to the City Hall in their town and changed her last name, she was so happy. During this time, her father had become a minister and had also divorced his second wife and remarried the first. Her mom had started to date again but never allowed them to come around her and her little sister. The church where her dad preached held bible study on Wednesdays, the little girl went with her dad one Wednesday night and this was the start of her life turning upside down.

Her dad’s first wife and her children which is also the little girl’s siblings began to be cruel and would torment her. They told her things like they did not know why their dad gave her his last name because he was not her biological dad. They would tell her that her dad had mention to them she was not his daughter, but he would never tell her, they would say to her, she needed to change her name back to her mom’s and go find her real dad. You see her dad’s first wife felt no one should matter to him outside her and her children. This broke her and it broke her in the worse way. She told her dad, but he dismissed it and told her do not worry about what they say. Although she had to deal with that type hatefulness, she still knew she was loved because she had both her grandmothers, her aunts and uncles who was still there for her and even her mom at this point.

Now her mom met someone and shortly after the little girl met him, they moved into his home with him, not long after they had moved in, she was told her mom was pregnant again and she was getting married. Now her mom is married, and her dad is remarried to his first wife, who the little girl found out years later as an adult that her dad had put his second wife out who loved her very much to move the first wife in their home. She could still see the pain in her stepmom’s his second wife’s eyes after all those years as she told the story, her heart hurt for her stepmom. In the beginning her mom’s husband was nice and took time out with her. As far as her dad’s wife it was a lost cause the meanness and hate showed from the first day she came back around.

The little girl still believed everything would be okay, she was still safe with her having her mom and if anything got too bad, she could always go to one of her grandmothers. She even had her mom’s ex who would get her every time he came to get her sister. But after a while he stop coming around there goes another person, she felt she had lost in her life.

Now although her dad’s wife treated her bad, she still wanted to spend time with him, she would much rather for them to spend time away from the house, but she knew that was not possible, she went home with him anyway because she loved her dad and loved being with him. You see when she was there at her dad’s house, she would be mistreated and abused. After her dad would leave for work, she would get locked in bathroom closets. If her dad did not leave her money or her dad’s mother-n-law would not bring her food she would not eat until her dad came home from work. They would call names they went as far as calling her bitches and saying they hated her.

Her dad’s mother-n-law knew what her daughter was doing and did not agree with it. She would offer him to bring the girl to her home while he was working. Her dad’s mother-law told her daughter how she was wrong for the way she treated the girl and how she allowed her children to do the same. However, it did not change anything.

At the age of eleven her dad's brother-n-law who was on drugs tried to touch her while she was sleeping. She ran to her dad's room to tell him, but her stepmom would not let her wake her dad up, so she sat outside of the bedroom door until her stepmom went back to sleep and snuck back in the room and slept on the floor on her dad's side of the bed.

She would tell her mom, but she was to focus on her new family. She felt her dad knew but she did not push it because she did not want her dad to get into trouble.

By the time she was a pre-teen she felt like she was losing everything. She went from this happy little girl who felt like she had all the love in the world and was wanted by everyone she was around to this scared and confused child who felt like she was not loved anymore and was not wanted around. She felt as if everyone found someone else to love rather than love her. But through it all she did all she could to find peace.

She went through the end of her childhood and pre- teens being verbally and physically abuse more on her father’s side. Again, she believed that her father had an idea of what was going on but felt he was torn between his wife and child.

The only people who made her feel truly love was her grandmothers and her parent’s siblings. There were two out of the seven siblings by her dad that made her feel unconditional love, two she never met until teen and adult hood, one that loved her but felt he had to stay loyal to those who disliked or hated her. The two siblings that she had a relationship with, they would spend as much time together as possible because they were all they had since they were considered the outside children.