Sometimes

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was all alone. Having the house to myself for a quest breakfast, a quiet midday nap or a quiet dinner. Then I feel a tinge of guilt. I'm a mother, not an individual, right?

Sometimes I curse and my 6 year old repeats me. I then have to remind myself not to scold him for emulating my behavior.

Sometimes I let him play video games for too long and then I feel guilty, like my parenting could always be better.

Sometimes we have pizza for dinner instead of a home cooked meal. I am so happy that I don't have to cook, but something inside of me nags and says "that isn't proper nutrition for a growing boy."

Sometimes I work too much and I feel guilt for not being with him more, but if I don't work enough I feel guilt for not being able to provide all the "wants" in his life.

Sometimes I have him put himself to sleep instead of staying in the room and reading to him or singing him to sleep. Then I lay in bed and wonder if I robbed him of those moments, knowing all too well that he won't want me to do those things one day.

Sometimes it's a beautiful weekend day and we just veg out on the couch watching Disney+ instead of hiking or going on a walk. It feels pure and like time well spent, until I think about not giving him adventure outdoors that day and how children shouldn't spend so much time on the TV.

But sometimes, I have to take a step back from all that icky guilt.

Sometimes I remember that I am a human. All by myself without the existence of anyone else. I remember that I like to eat pizza sometimes, I like to watch Disney+ all day, I like to work, I like to stay home, I like to lay in bed and read my OWN book before I fall asleep, I like video games and DAMMIT I like to curse.

Sometimes I look at my son and think holy shit, this kid is really, really brave. He is really, really kind and good and smart and funny and sweet.

I may identify as a mother to some degree, but I am me first. I want to have growth and give myself grace. I want time alone to accomplish those things. My son will grow up to be a better person for it. He will learn a balance between being active and resting. A balance between giving other people attention and giving some to yourself.

No matter what I'm doing, I can stop with the guilt and start feeling free. I can be free AND a mother. Oh my God!! What a revelation!

All I have to do is look at my son and remember that I'm doing a damn good job.

Us mothers just need to remember to parent ourselves as well. Make sure that WE feel loved by ourselves. Make sure that WE feel seen and heard. That when negative thought or guilt arises, we let go of that shit and remind ourselves that we are awesome, beautiful, wonderful, magnetic, goddess creatures. We deserve the world and by us having the world inside of us, we can offer the world to our children.

So put on the TV, give your kids a slice of pizza and go take a bath while you read your favorite book. Lock the door. Soak.

You can't fill anyone else's cup until yours is overflowing with the finest damn wine this world has ever tasted.