Raw Motherhood

Women are incredible beings made to be resilient in anything they do. Some women have a the blessing to procreate and some just choose not to. In 2015, one year after my wedding I was diagnosed with PCOS ( Polycystic Ovarian Cyst Syndrome) and was told I will have a hard time becoming a mother. The Reproductive Endocrinologist suggested to either go on medication or go on a clean eating and healthier lifestyle with exercise. I agreed with getting myself healthy for the sake of a better outlook of "becoming" a mother.

A year past, I became irritable and had tridiculederrible mood swings and eventually I said to my husband, I need to take a break from my demanding employment to reduce my stress. A month after quitting my job, I notices weird occurrences. First was visiting my brother and being attack by mosquitos ( which normally is not the case living in Florida for me), secondly, getting nauseous in Disney at the Wine and Food Festival, and thirdly being very emotional. I knew something was different. Late October 2016, I took a total of 3 Clearblue Digital Test all Positive "Pregnant". I call my husband and my mother to share the news. I called my specialist to tell her the positive results. She told me to come in to verify with an ultrasound and send me to a blood test.

The months passed by and I felt the Morning Sickness, The silly tears for cravings at eight months, swollen feet, the waddle, and aggravation of seeing your partner sleeping so peacefully. Arrival date was approaching, unsure of when because the Estimated Due date changed 5 times we got thing ready early. June 2017, My first born, A beautiful baby girl. I was left wanting more making me more emotional.

I had this expectation of being consumed with this overly nurturing trait that never came over me. I was upset and couldn't quite understand the disconnect. I loved and care for her, but I didn't quite felt "Motherly". I breastfed up to 5 months and stayed with her at home for a whole year. In that year I felt many emotions that mothers get ridiculed for feeling so we tend to wallow in our feeling causing more harm in our mental and physical state. I felt guilty for resenting this change, I missed the old me, and I questioned my decision of wanting to become a "Mom" before accomplishing some of my goals I had for myself prior. I felt Selfish and I hated every bit of this evolving phase.

I disconnected from everyone because the people I though would be there never bother to check up on me after I had my daughter. I let myself go physically and my marriage was in a neutral state, If anything more amicable than romantically. We took family trips to the pumpkin patch to feel more like a family because I could sense my husbands frustration at time because of this big change. This was a group effort and we had to be able to create a stronger communication between the both of us to get through this together and be the best parents to the baby girl.

I went back to work and I did help to get away from the mom life, but at the same time you feel guilty devoting your time to something as replaceable a job. It was at that point, I realized I was depressed and I need to occupy my mind with positive thoughts and enjoy the little things.

Three years later, we became a family of four. We welcomed our second girl November 2019. I felt guilty this time for not feeling so loving with my first born than with my second. I was overprotective and wanted to hold her all day. I was in love with my baby girl and my little family in a whole. I am now overwhelmed with everything pink and hairbows everywhere.

I still struggle with the comparison of my probably body to my postbaby body, but this time around I understand the love it took for that change to occur. I am still evolving as a Woman, Wife and Mother. It takes selflove and family to overcome obstacles and feel that empowerment of being a Woman. I have alwayed asked my mother prior to having a child how will it be to become a mother and she will tell me it takes sacrifice full of love, but the rest is an experience I must choose to explore if I decide to have children. After birth I questioned her why she didn't tell me the struggle of the divide that a Mother has to deal with, and she responded because I wouldn't have decide for my self and learn through that raw state of motherhood.

I believe I am morphing into an enhance version of myself for the good of my wellbeing and my family. This is a special thanks to my two fairy princesses that fill my daily life with giggles and sparkles.