Ravyn

I first met her in a dream. My Ravyn. We were walking, hand-in-hand, backs turned to me, the dreamer, and my nighttime dream eyes. We were talking, she and I. I loved her so much. The love permeated the dream state. I did not know, of course, that I was dreaming of her, of Ravyn and that this was not just some silly, fantastical, meaningless collection of images sprung from somewhere deep in my unconscious erupting into my subconscious while I was deep in r.e.m. Nope. This was not that at all. This was prophetic. Of course I was unaware of this then. At the time, approximately 28 years ago, I did not believe in such things as prophecy, vision questing, shamanic journeying, astral projection, soul groups and the like, let alone something so utterly insane as a spirit of one who has yet to be coming to me, communicating to me in my dreams. Unheard of! (my then younger self would have proclaimed, accompanied with a guffaw and snort of protest). Preposterous (there is the guffawing and snorting part).

When I met Ravyn, approximately one year later, I knew it was she who had walked hand-in-hand with me so peacefully in the dream-time. I knew from the moment our eyes met that a destined path lay in wait for us. What I did not, know, however, was the impact that she would have on my life.

I remember, during the first ten years of knowing her, the exacerbation I had for her exuberance. This one was a fearless spirit and sometimes I felt diminuitive in her presence. Was it jealousy? I don't think so. I think it was more of a trigger. She brought to the forefront the recognition and the knowledge that I could be more. That I had been hiding in the shadows, not living up to my full potential. I watched the way she grabbed a hold of what she wanted and went for it, without caring what the heck others thought of her. Yes. That's it. She brought to my attention that I, too, could be so much more: more than a meek and mild manager at a local credit bureau. This girl forcefully went for what she wanted, and I was yet to discover how to do this for myself.

Over the next 10 years or so, our relationship became strained. I had remarried my second husband, only to one year later watch the marriage collapse. We had relocated to California. Once he left me, I, begrudgingly, had to pack everything up and move back to Boise, Idaho, the place where he and I had met.

Ravyn and I grew apart. I do not know if it was the incapacity of me at the time to deal with the emotional impact of the divorce, or her newly acquired drug and alcohol addiction, or both. We began to bicker and fight. I turned on her. She began to despise me. We distanced from each other. A few years after my divorce, Ravyn lapsed even further into addiction. Her boyfriend at the time was incredibly verbally abusive. Ravyn took drugs to numb the pain. We grew further and further apart. It is like we were so close that we did not know how to be separate, especially during the dark times.

My child ended up going to a psychiatric hospital a total of six times between the ages of 19 and 20. She hung herself from a chandelier. She stabbed herself in the leg. She was trying anything and everything to die. She was unsuccessful. Her fierce spirit would not allow the death of her body. Eventually, one year later, due to drug abuse, her large intestine had fallen into her small intestine, or vice versa. They had to cut her young, beautiful body open, this little girl who had walked so peacefully with me in the dream time, and take out a portion of her intestine to save her. She was on the intensive care floor because her heart was not beating properly. This was on her 21st birthday. I was there when she woke up from surgery. She yelled at me and told me to go away. The boyfriend had convinced her, gas lighted her, to turn her back on me.

The boy left my Ravyn. She plummeted even further into darkness. I wanted nothing to do with her at this point, mainly because I felt so powerless as a mother to help her and I hated watching her demise. And so I watched from the sidelines as my child went further and further down the rabbit hole: jail, prison, guns, rape, fraud, grand theft and more. Until one day, one glorious day, she came back. She fought her demons and she, of her own accord, came back. MY RAVYN WAS BACK!!! The peaceful, exuberant, fierce, confident warrior princess: she was back. We reconciled. We talked about everything. Her courage to discuss her downfall honestly, openly and compassionatly matched my courage to discuss, well, everything with her. I watched her exuberance explode out of her once more. My Ravyn. She is back. And she remains back, to this day. She is now 28 years old and we have an incredible relationship. We talk about everything.

As a mother it is so difficult to watch your child go through their own trials and tribulations. It is specifically difficult to watch them suffer, yet at the same time know that they have their own path to walk. Ravyn continues to remind me to this day that her path is her path and only she is responsible for it. Her strength, courage, honesty, and fierce nature will always inspire me. She is a seeker of truth and, because she has faced and accepted her own lies and shadow and deceptions, she holds space for others, including her mother to do the same. This, my friends, is the greatest inspiration of all. I have become a much stronger, compassionate bad-ass warrior myself through knowing her. Oh, and: I left that dead end credit bureau job after I watched that kid grab a Big Wheel in a department store and ride the shit out of it, beaming with joy, not giving one care who was looking. I went on to become a college professor of philosophy and to own my own consulting business.

To my daughter, Ravyn: thank you. You will always be my inspiration and my little warrior princess.