Parenting and Husbanding Through Grief

Before this year, I never knew how one event could affect the entire year. Over the summer my beloved sister-in-law Shannakay passed away due to COVID. Shannakay was a wonderful, warm, loving person, and anyone who knew her will her miss her dearly. This happened during the summer, so before that dreadful event, we had lived through the Winter and the Spring. Both of which were uneventful. But now when I think of year as a whole...A dark cloud lingers. If my wife is crying, I will start sentence with

"I know it's been a rough year..."

As that cloud hangs over my words.

My title to this essay (article? blog?) is a bit deceiving. I don't know how to parent or husband through grief. I wish I had an answer, a secret antidote, or a magic enchantment one could say to make another's pain go away. I don't.

The one thing I do know. If you get married and an unfortunate event happens. You cannot sit and do nothing. As sad as you might feel. Yes, I did and do feel sad. I looked at Shannakay like an actual sister. She was my friend and my gaming buddy. I miss her, but you must be able to look past your own sadness and be there for the people you love. Something as simple as a hand on a loved one’s shoulder can mean so much.

When my daughter starts to get upset or even cries. I don't know what to say. I can barely hold the tears back myself. It feels like a fisherman is sitting at the bottom of my stomach and he reels my heart down to the pit. My throat feels like it is closing, and the tears swell behind my eyes. I must close my eyes and swallow to compose myself. I tell her that Shannakay (the auntie) is in a better place. I tell her things will be ok and I hold her tight.

When my wife cries the fisherman comes back. My throat closes shop, and my eyes fight the tears from coming out. I hug my wife and I tell her everything will be okay. I tell her that her sister is in a better place.

However, as much as I hug and repeat my lines. It does not help the pain that grief has caused. Grief as swept through the family like a Thanos snap, turning happiness and joy to dust. I have tried different variations of my usual lines. I have quoted bible scriptures and of course I believe that time will make things better.

But as a husband and a father. I want to make things better now...An instinct kicks in to try and solve the issue when the issue is unsolvable.

So how do you parent and husband through grief? My answer? Which might be different from your answer (which I'm ok with). Hold them tight. Let your family know that no matter what you're there for them. If my daughter wants to cry...I'm here to be a pillow to cry on. If she needs to be held, the heck with back pain, I'm here to hold her. If my wife wants to cry throughout the day...I'm here to make her life easy. I'm here to hold her, to let her vent...I can't make the grief go away, I can't heal the pain, but I can do my part.

I am not an expert. I do not have a PHD in psychology or any mental wellness training. But I can tell you that tenderness and love go a long way. So, in the immortal words Otis Redding "Try a Little Tenderness".