Parenting and divorce

You can effectively co-parent your children even after divorce. They key to doing this successfully is to set aside all of your personal feelings about your Ex or soon to be EX and do what is best for the children. That means no fighting or berating each other in front of the children at all. Kids need the input of both or more parents to grow up without feeling neglected or abandoned. That means you will be attending after school events and extra curricular activities together. When I married again my new husband and step-father to my children was also included in our parenting. This is my summarized story of how I navigated divorce, raising children and re-married all successfully.

I got married too soon to someone I had only known for 6 months. This was my 1st marriage at the age of 21. Shortly after our daughter was born I began to experience postpartum depression. I soon realized it wasn't just postpartum depression, I was extremely unhappy in my marriage. The fighting started and I ended up kicking him out and he went to live with his family until he could get better situated. I had basically married a stranger and once I got to know my husband I realized we had virtually nothing in common and I just didn't like him or his habits especially. The fighting didn't end just because he moved out of the house so I went and filed for a divorce as soon as I could. The lawyer advised in our state you have to live separately for at least 6 months until you can file for a divorce, we had no legal separation. He did get me a restraining order that only allowed him to see our daughter once a week under my supervision. Until he got visitation we were well on our way to having the divorce from hell.

The 6 months came and went fast enough and it was time for the court date. We met up in the parking lot of the courthouse to get our divorce finalized. We both expressed our sorrow and agreement that we were doing the right thing. We then decided we would put aside any personal squabbles and just do what was best for our daughter. We agreed that we would share custody and both be present in our daughters life when needed.

We had weekly phone calls before meeting to trade custody and if she had been unruly and punished we informed each other of the punishment so that each parent could stick to the same rules at our houses. We went to school events together and we took teacher parent conferences together. Occasionally we couldn't all be there due to work or some other reason. The parent that attended would always call the other and keep them updated. We eventually had certain areas one parent would handle. For example her being a daughter I wanted to have control of her hair cuts and what she wore. Her father was good at dealing with special meetings for gifted children and going over the assessment each year. We would split the cost of school supplies and clothing, we split the cost of everything except presents. We didn't go so far as making our family continue to associate with one another therefore we still each had our own birthday party but everything else was either one parent's area or the others and some we still did together like go to school awards events or teacher parent conferences. We shared most of the holidays and took turns. One year she would spend all holidays except Thanksgiving and Christmas with her father and his family and the next year she would spend those other holidays with me. I always had Thanksgiving because my ex's family didn't do anything special. And I always got Christmas morning until 10am. We stayed in this routine for a long time. A few years at least and then I met a new someone and we eventually got engaged then married. Of course before we did these things and were just moving in together I introduced my ex husband and fiancé. They both seemed to get along just fine. From then on my daughter had 3 parents that would show up for parent teacher conferences and sporting events.

Things didn't always go perfect and there were some hiccups but we always managed to stay focused on the goal of raising our child after the divorce. All these years later she is a successful adult with good coping skills. She's lived on her own and without any financial assistance from the age of 18. She's now graduated from college and looking to join the military for some experience. We are very proud at the adult she turned into and I know it has everything to do with how we raised her.

In essence no matter how angry you are at your ex or soon to be ex spouse you can make a compromise and do what's best for the children. It's not always easy but it can work.