Open letter to my firstborn son
The hardest part of going from one to two
An open letter to my first born,
Our lives changed the moment we brought baby brother home to you. You were never the same. I was never the same. From that moment on, you have been having a hard time. A hard time sharing mommy’s love, a hard time expressing yourself, and hard time sleeping. I am sorry for that. I hate that you are having a hard time sharing the center of our world with your new brother.
I miss you. I miss our one-on-one time. I miss being able to give you everything you need. I miss you and you’re right in front of me. So many people offer to take you out, to take you off my hands and to give me a break but truth be told, it is the other way around. I just want more time with you.
I am in a state of mourning. I am mourning our relationship. I think you are, too. I am sad that I may miss something in your life, just like how I missed Halloween last week. I am sad that you are being forced to grow up more than you are ready to. I am sad that you became second to hold, feed, cuddle because little brother needs me for survival right now. I am sad that when I am with you I just want to hold you but that’s not always possible. My hands can only hold so many things at once but that does not mean my heart does. My love may seem less but it has in fact grown, so much. Especially for you.
I am learning, too. How to adjust to this new norm. How to balance giving to him and giving to you. How to juggle it all. It is hard for me, too. I don’t know how to navigate it all yet. I’m honestly just winging it and pretending to be ok until I can give you back the time you deserve. Oh my heart aches for ‘us.’
I am trying to stretch myself to be enough. I’m not stretchy, yet. I will be, though.
It won’t be like this for long. Soon your brother will be more independent and I can give you more of me. I can hold you more. I can do a puzzle with you. I can read to you. Soon buddy. It won’t be like the old days but it will be good again. I can promise you that.
Today I watched a sermon about not holding onto the past. It reminded me that the first 18 months of your life was beautiful and I am so grateful to have had every moment with you, just you and me. But now that is in the past and life will never be like that again. So instead of dwelling on the things no longer, I will work on being present in the now while looking forward to the future.
You and your little brother are now both the center of our world. It will take time for us to adjust but once we do, we will share some of the best days of our lives. This little baby that now takes away all the things you love, will be your bestest friend one day and you will be so happy to have him. You just wait, buddy!
In the meantime, you keep on doing such a great job being a big brother and helping mommy all the time. And remember that little brother can never-ever replace you, you will always be mommy’s first baby.
I love you more, son.
Love, Mama
About the Creator
Samantha Coxwell
Go easy on me, I’m an painter, not a writer. I am using this platform to get thoughts and feelings out by exploring the art of writing.
Reader insights
Outstanding
Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
Top insights
Easy to read and follow
Well-structured & engaging content
Excellent storytelling
Original narrative & well developed characters
Expert insights and opinions
Arguments were carefully researched and presented
Eye opening
Niche topic & fresh perspectives
Heartfelt and relatable
The story invoked strong personal emotions
On-point and relevant
Writing reflected the title & theme
Keep reading
More stories from Samantha Coxwell and writers in Families and other communities.
Little bullet
It’s 10:46 pm. I debate going to bed because I am tired. I debate going to bed because I need to be up early. I debate going to bed because it’s what I should do. The debate is won. I sit back down on the couch. I fast forward the commercial to the next scene. My mind wants to focus on tomorrow. On what should be done vs what needs to be done. I push those thoughts away. My drink is empty. I take a sip of his drink. He’s sleeping. I watch mindlessly because I need to rest. I watch mindlessly because I don’t get to during the day. I watch mindlessly because I can. I dig my feet into the cushion split beneath me. I touch something with my toes and pray it’s not a bug or food. It’s a bullet. An orange and blue foam bullet. I breathe relief. I smile. This little bullet brings me joy. My day was hard and I needed to smile. Typically, this bullet would remind me of the mess around me. Instead I allow it to bring me joy. The joy I begged for 3 years ago. The joy I prayed for, for almost a decade. This little bullet reminds me of what I’ve been given regardless of how I feel. My feelings are fleeting. They change with my circumstances. I’m working on controlling my feelings. Some days I wake up mad and I have to fight myself. Some days I wake up spent and I have to push myself. Some days I wake up hopeless and I have to pray longer. But some days I wake up smiling and I join in with the little voice next to me sing “rise and shine and give God the glory, glory.” O wish everyday is like those days. I want to be a joyful person, I want to sing with him, I want to give God the glory, glory. I stare at the little screen reflecting his Angel like face. You’d never know he made me crazy hours ago. I look at the big couch I’m sitting on and I see the other little guys angel face. The one who won’t sleep without me near by. Normally I’d be annoyed but tonight I can’t stop looking at him. His perfect lashes. His perfect lips. His perfect breathing. My heart hurts. It’s not the hurt that is sad. It’s the hurt that love causes in a deep way.
By Samantha Coxwell8 months ago in Journal
Christmas Abroad: Celebrating the Holidays Without Family
I moved to South Korea in 2017. I was twenty-two years old and excited to start my career as an English Second Language Teacher. With a Bachelor's degree and six hundred dollars in my bank account, I set off for Busan.
By Kera Hollow27 days ago in Families
The Lifelong Legacy Game
Your up! Have you ever played a legacy game with family or friends? Many game makers have legacy versions of games, where the game is played over multiple sittings, each time progressing deeper into the story. Games like Charterstone, my favorite, Ticket to Ride, a popular train themed game, or Risk, if world domination is your shtick, are just a couple examples. Some take weeks, months or even years to complete, depending on how often you play in those parameters.
By Alexandra Grant6 days ago in Families
Standing While Falling
Quotation from Friedrich Nietzsche "He who wrestles long with monsters should beware lest he himself become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. Man is not destroyed by suffering, but by the meaning he makes of it."
By LUCCIAN LAYTH5 days ago in Critique
Comments (1)
I need a warning label before i read your stories... too early for the tears as im sitting at my desk in the office lol. This was beautiful. "I miss you and you’re right in front of me." I wrote a poem recently with this feeling towards God. This is prob one of my favs of your pieces. Now look at you guys! on number three lol and now Kelly isnt your baby anymore lol a whole new set of emotions lol ( Letter to my baby-next) lol