Little bullet

It’s 10:46 pm. I debate going to bed because I am tired. I debate going to bed because I need to be up early. I debate going to bed because it’s what I should do. The debate is won. I sit back down on the couch. I fast forward the commercial to the next scene. My mind wants to focus on tomorrow. On what should be done vs what needs to be done. I push those thoughts away. My drink is empty. I take a sip of his drink. He’s sleeping. I watch mindlessly because I need to rest. I watch mindlessly because I don’t get to during the day. I watch mindlessly because I can. I dig my feet into the cushion split beneath me. I touch something with my toes and pray it’s not a bug or food. It’s a bullet. An orange and blue foam bullet. I breathe relief. I smile. This little bullet brings me joy. My day was hard and I needed to smile. Typically, this bullet would remind me of the mess around me. Instead I allow it to bring me joy. The joy I begged for 3 years ago. The joy I prayed for, for almost a decade. This little bullet reminds me of what I’ve been given regardless of how I feel. My feelings are fleeting. They change with my circumstances. I’m working on controlling my feelings. Some days I wake up mad and I have to fight myself. Some days I wake up spent and I have to push myself. Some days I wake up hopeless and I have to pray longer. But some days I wake up smiling and I join in with the little voice next to me sing “rise and shine and give God the glory, glory.” O wish everyday is like those days. I want to be a joyful person, I want to sing with him, I want to give God the glory, glory. I stare at the little screen reflecting his Angel like face. You’d never know he made me crazy hours ago. I look at the big couch I’m sitting on and I see the other little guys angel face. The one who won’t sleep without me near by. Normally I’d be annoyed but tonight I can’t stop looking at him. His perfect lashes. His perfect lips. His perfect breathing. My heart hurts. It’s not the hurt that is sad. It’s the hurt that love causes in a deep way.

It’s 11:10 pm, I should watch my show or go to bed. But my mind races as I stare at the 3 of them. One on a screen, the other two in the same room as me. They all sleep peacefully and I yearn for that. I want to sleep like that. But my mind won’t let me. My mind shifts to just them. I do it for them. I work harder than I ever have but I don’t have a job. I feel like I’m always forgetting something, I’m always missing something, I’m always wishing I had more time. But then I’m guilty that I spend to much time on the things that are meaningless. But the meaningless keeps everything around us going so is it really meaningless?

I’m tired. I’m so overwhelmed. With tasks. With schedules. With life. But also with love. There is so much love in all of this mess. The physical mess and the emotional mess.

The more I think about all of it, the more I lose my focus on any one thing.

I hate so many things about it but I love more things than I hate. I am in this. I am tired. I am mom.