Not Caring and Letting the Child Go and The Dangers of Imposing Opinions Without Explaining

We come to the point of ignorance and neglect. This neglect is one thing that will make the mistakes accumulate and the deviations that occur to them become a habit that will continue to be carried into adulthood. So, the attitude of parents in seeing mistakes, deviations, and errors in children, especially teenagers, is to try to overcome them and show concern for these problems.

However, ignoring and delaying explanations does not mean that we tolerate mistakes. Sometimes, the Prophet also postponed explanations because the moment was not right. For example, the Prophet advised Mu'adz bin Jabal not to mention one of the virtues of monotheism because he feared that the Muslims, who had just embraced Islam at that time, would not understand and misunderstand it, and would end up relying on their monotheism.

Of course, delaying the explanation does not mean neglect, because in the end Mu'adz bin Jabal conveyed the virtue of tawhid. There are moments that we must wait for and use to deliver advice and correct deviations. However, this does not mean that we ignore and show as if we do not care and do not want to know. Especially, if the parents say, "Whatever, he does what he wants, what he wants to do." These are words of despair. These are words of despair.

We must try, because we are commanded to give advice. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala says,

وَذَكِّرْ فَإِنَّ الذِّكْرَىٰ تَنفَعُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ

"Warn, for warning is beneficial for those who believe." (QS. Az-Zariyat[51]: 55)

The benefit of the advice may not be now, but later. Because sometimes people need to process to receive advice. The important thing is that he listens first and there is no need to force him, because there is no compulsion in religion. The guidance is also not in our hands, nor is the heart in our hands, but in the hands of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala. So, convey it in a way that is wisdom, wise, and do not despair. Repeat the advice many times. Do not say, "I am tired of giving you advice."

Many parents eventually give up. Therefore, never feel like a failure in educating children, regardless of the results, regardless of the conditions. Sometimes the conditions are not what we want, not what we expect. That's what happens sometimes in the field, in real life, it's not as beautiful as what we hear in taklim assemblies or what we read in books. The reality sometimes may be more bitter than imagined, but don't despair. Keep on giving advice, because that is our responsibility.

So, words like "whatever you want" or "whatever you want to do" don't need to be said, even though sometimes there is a sense of despair and fatigue seeing children who are sometimes not what we expected. We have struggled, we have tried with all our efforts, but sometimes it is not what we expected. Don't despair, because guidance is in the hands of Allah. Allah will judge what we have done, while the heart is not our responsibility.

The Dangers of Imposing Opinions Without Explaining

We will continue with the point about some mistakes to avoid. There are three points that we have already discussed, the last of which is insisting on an opinion without giving an explanation, that is, without accompanying it with an argument.

Especially for teenagers, of course, in the process of maturity, their minds are more perfect and mature. Of course they can't just accept or swallow anything raw. They are able to think critically, and sometimes this is a problem for parents who are not ready to argue with their teenagers and still think of them as children who must obey.

Indeed, children must obey and obey their parents in things that are good. However, we must also understand that when a child is a teenager, his mind has developed and he cannot just accept what we say. Of course, we also want him not to accept what anyone out there says without reason. Then it must be built from home. We don't make it a habit for him to swallow anything raw. So without realising it, parents have set an example of taklid to their children.

Parents must be prepared to argue, and it is not wrong for children to ask for arguments. That has to be understood and recognised by parents. So sometimes we need, for example, to convey an instruction, opinion, or view by including an argument. No longer with coercive words such as "just follow, period," or "don't ask too many questions, don't say too much." That silences not only the mouth, but also the brain.

This is not good for teenagers, especially for educating them to think critically. That's the nature of humans, as they get older, their minds mature. So don't counter it with words like many parents say, "You just follow what mum says, period. Don't ask too many questions."

We also want them to follow our words, but of course it's different when we're dealing with a child and a teenager. If it's a child, maybe we're saying something like that because they can't think yet, they haven't matured their mind, they're still very raw. But teenagers are different.

This is like the prophet when communicating or dialoguing with teenagers. The prophet always included a reason: why he commanded, why he advised, why he told so. Even though he was a prophet. We have raised the story of Prophet Ibrahim and Prophet Ismail. When Prophet Ibrahim invited Ismail to carry out the order to slaughter him, Prophet Ibrahim did not immediately take a knife and execute. No, but he respected the maturity of his son's mind, Ismail, who at that time, Allah said, had entered the age of rusyd, where he could stand alone and take care of himself.

فَانظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَىٰ

"What do you think?" (As-Saffat[37]: 102)

how the above explanation, hopefully can provide enlightenment for parents.