No matter how angry the parents are, don't hit them

Tonight I have a sleepless night, my heart is very painful.

The reason is because I hit my son, and I hit him really hard.

My son is 16 years old and is still a junior two student. His academic performance was quite good before his rebellious stage.

Because of the plummeting grade of mobile phone, he gave up mobile phone last year with great difficulty, and somehow began to ask for mobile phone again this year.

Smashed my old phone because I didn't buy him one.

Because there's a lot of important information in that old phone, pictures. So I was particularly angry to hit him, did not expect him to fight with me, at that moment I was particularly angry, in the pull he saw my new mobile phone on the table actually also broke this mobile phone.

This phone cost me over 7,000 bucks, and I went ballistic, took a stick to his leg, and I was whipping.

I was so intent on breaking up the relationship with him that I hit him with a pretty thick stick and he was all swollen up.

After I calmed down, MY heart was very uncomfortable and painful. How could I be so cruel as to do that?

 

A: Hello, I am also the parent of your child. I can understand your pain and helplessness in disciplining your child. Let me help you to see why this happens and how to make adjustments and changes.

Let's start by looking at why teenagers have what's called a rebellious period.

When a child reaches the age of ten, he or she matures rapidly physically. The child begins to experience gradual development psychologically. He or she feels that he or she is an adult.

He began to hope that he could be recognized, respected and understood as an adult, and achieve independent personality, free behavior and equal status.

But at this time, his thinking level is not fully mature, in the eyes of the parents will feel that the needs of children and the actual situation is inconsistent, or parents are too controlling, too protective, do not recognize the independent behavior of children, children will be hit in the heart, resulting in rebellious behavior.

But as parents, what exactly is this so-called "rebellion"?

As I said before, it's the parents who think that their children's needs are not in line with reality.

The parent hoped the child would be obedient, but now the child has grown up, not as obedient as when he was a child.

So in the eyes of parents, the child's behavior is "rebellious", but have you found that, in fact, the child's so-called rebellious is that he starts to fight against you, because he does not recognize you.

So, here's a very unfair point. Why have we never heard a child call his or her parents "rebellious"?

Because the standard is set by the parents, for example, you think the child should not play with the mobile phone, so it is wrong for him to play with the mobile phone, and his grades decline because he plays with the mobile phone.

But is it really because of the phone? And why would mobile phones cause the decline in grades? What exactly happened here? Have you tried to understand?

I'm afraid not.

For example, there is a joke so said: "There is a cold, call mother think I am cold."

Mother feel cold, will children wear clothes, this is the mother's judgment, is the mother's standard, that do parents, you have to ask the child, he is cold, he does not want to wear clothes?

No, and if he tells you, "I don't feel cold, I don't want to put on more clothes," you'll blame him.

When he was sick, you might say, "You see, it's because you didn't listen to me that you got sick. It serves you right!"

For example, my mother is a person who is particularly afraid of heat. Unlike other mothers, she always thinks I wear too much.

When I was young, she always told me to wear less, but my physical condition was different from hers, and as a result, I always caught cold. But my mom blames me for not exercising and makes me do it.

This matter is put on your son's mobile phone, if he only reasonably arranged the time to play mobile phone, will it really lead to the decline in grades?

Not necessarily.

However, as a teenager, the mother also strictly controls herself, has no autonomy, does not let the mobile phone touch, does not respect their own consciousness, the impact and harm to the child is far more than not to let him play mobile phone.

We will find that in the eyes of parents, parents care about what is right for their children.

In my child's eyes, he cares more about how much autonomy I have in this matter.

It's like the poem: "Life is dear, love is dear. If you are free, you can throw both." In the eyes of adolescent children, freedom and independence are the way to be accepted and recognized by the world in their eyes, as well as the proof that they grow up.

Then let's talk about the way of communication.

As I said earlier, children need respect and recognition, so if we change the way of communication, give the child the phone, allow him to play with the phone, let him arrange his own time to play with the phone, is it possible that the result will be different?

I take my son as an example. My son is younger, only 6 years old, but he also starts to play games. It's ok that I don't give him games when I was young.

I found that since last year, coaxing has been useless, and he has made frequent requests to play games.

I took him out and bought him a tablet, told him it was yours, and downloaded his favorite games.

But, you know, there's a precondition for you to play.

He had to practice before 9pm every night to play, and the earlier he finished, the longer he could play.

Sometimes he is very slow, he hasn't finished practicing the piano by 9 PM, he won't have to play games today, which makes him very sad, but he knows this is his own rule, so he has to go to sleep.

Basically, if he spends too much time on the piano the first day, he will hurry up the next day because he feels that he didn't play yesterday and he has to buy more time today.

You know, in my house, he doesn't have a password on his tablet. He can open it whenever he wants, but he never plays it in private.

Because he got enough respect in the process, we never stopped him from playing the game, and I never told him he wasn't good at it. Instead, I taught him and sometimes downloaded new games for him.

As a 6-year-old, why doesn't he ever sneak around with a tablet?

Because it was his property, and he could play whenever he wanted as long as he did his work well, we didn't have any restrictions on him at the appointed time at all.

So you see, there is no resistance without restraint, and how can we talk about "rebellion" without resistance?

On the contrary, when you learn to respect your child, you accept the independence brought by your child's growth, and also accept that the little child who comes out of your belly begins to have a personality in your belly, then go to see your child's so-called "rebel", will you also feel relieved?

Finally, I want to remind you to stop hitting children.

Hitting your child doesn't solve anything, it just makes him hate you more, and it just makes him want to fight you more.

I don't suppose that's what you wanted?

Here are three more tips for resolving problems with your children:

O1, learn to respect children, to listen to the child's true ideas, to be a listening mother.

Don't try to control your child. Adolescent children need your understanding.

O3. Empower your child with choices and decisions, and guide and assist him in the process.