Nine: Understanding

It feels like we have had our Christmas tree up for ages this year. Decorated in a meticulous operation led by my wife, it takes pride of place in the corner of the sitting room.

There are lights all around the window, the front door, the banister of the stairs. Sparkling reindeer light the way to the rooms upstairs in case Santa gets lost.

Birthday decorations for Muireann – who turned eight last week – are still on the walls. Cards still on the mantlepiece. A bag of presents that hasn’t made it upstairs yet.

Every year they linger for a week, to take in another important birthday seven days later.

Fionnuala would have been nine today.

Our first daughter, she was stillborn on December 15 2016 and buried in Rasharkin just over a week later on December 23.

Since then, I’ve written about her every year on her birthday. I do so mostly because it helps me process the grief, but also to simply use her name, keep her memory alive.

I received a work email today on an unrelated issue. The email didn’t get straight to business.

Instead, it acknowledged Fionnuala, the sender saying they were aware it was her anniversary and expressing their sympathy.

That recognition that your child existed and is worthy of comment makes such a difference to bereaved parents.

It’s awkward - people are never sure what to say - but simply recognising you’re aware of things like their birthday or anniversary makes a huge difference.

In mid-October, events to mark Baby Loss Awareness Week (BLAW) took place.

We’ve been taking part since 2017, but before that, we had absolutely no idea such a week existed.

That, I believe, is changing. This year seemed to bring an upsurge in awareness, a realisation in many people that baby loss is not an abstract concept.

You know someone who has lost a baby. You may not know it, but you do.

The Wave of Light lit up social media this year in a way I thought was markedly more intense than previous years.

During that week I posted a video to TikTok speaking about Fionnuala’s story. In that I mentioned I was done with filtering answers to spare people’s feelings.

I have three children; one was stillborn. They all matter equally.

Understanding of how bereaved parents feel is growing, but there is plenty still to be done.

I was appalled to hear about the experience of a school friend, who was told by a doctor at a recent maternity appointment that “we talk in terms of living children”.

“Don’t take offence to it,” they had added.

When a healthcare professional – who will have been aware of this mother’s previous loss – can make a throwaway comment like that, we still aren’t there in terms of understanding.

This year has also coincided with the issue being discussed openly at Stormont; the Baby Loss Certificate Scheme passed its final stage in the Assembly on December 2.

By March 2026, it is hoped parents whose babies die before 24 weeks will be able to obtain a certificate acknowledging their loss.

Personally, I don’t need a certificate to know that Fionnuala lived and was loved.

We have that acknowledgment through a supportive network of family, friends and colleagues.

We have it through the love our girls show for their sister. How she is included in their games and conversations.

The scheme will bring a welcome level of comfort to bereaved parents, but more importantly, it has brought the subject further into the public arena.

Baby loss is in the media and across social media. Parents are being given a voice and the space to express how they feel about their loss and the support available.

People who maybe were not aware of what their families, friends and colleagues were going through now have this on their radar.

It serves as a conversation starter and that can only be a good thing.

This year Fionnuala would have been the same age as the children I was teaching when she was born.

In those nine years she has touched and guided our lives immeasurably.

She has helped our understanding and compassion and I have no doubt indirectly contributed to that of others too.

Happy Birthday Fionnuala.

15.12.16 🌈