My Running Mind

Before I disclose the hidden struggles of my "nightly routine" I think I will start by introducing myself. I think that is only fair. I am a 23 year old part- time instructor and the other part of my time is filling in the blanks and lifting the people up around me. I have a loving family and a sweet boyfriend and I always feel the love around me but that doesn't stop my running mind when the moon comes up and my good old friend the sun leaves. Whenever I try and explain the way my mind starts to run to anyone around me they look at me like I have three heads. It's a never-ending cycle, the way my mind goes and goes when the world around me turns dark and I am all alone in my room. I can't stop the constant thoughts in my head. Correction, more like a little voice in my head demanding and insinuating I must obey or the darkness of the night will continue into the day. The way my mind runs now as an adult didn't just come out of thin air, it all started and is rooted in my fear of the night as a child.

Some may have called me an attached, skeptic, timid and worried child. Enough people would have described me this way as a child so I guess I can't question it. But the memories I have locked in my mind definitely confirm this observation. I never slept well as a child, which my parents have constantly reminded me all my life. Although looking back now, I have so many memories about my night time routine as a child and the fears I had about the dark. I slept with the door open, would avoid going to sleep by asking my mom to lay with me, get me a drink of water, or rub my back when I had chest pain. As soon as it was time to put on the PJ's I was already thinking about how I was going to survive the night, and my security blanket was my parents. The thought of being alone, in the dark, by myself was horrifying. I would think about the craziest things during this time and these thoughts would make it almost impossible to close my eyes. I mean how could I when I would think about an intruder breaking in, my parents being in danger, or my sister and the worry of all the unknowns during the dark and scary night. I would lay in bed staring at the door or my closet door near the entrance of my room and listen to all the noises that the house made. One questionable sound and I was up on my feet, heart racing and hands sweaty. Most of the time it was just the dishwasher or a creak in the floor but I would hone in on the sounds while I tried to calm down with the dark all around me, just waiting for something scary and bad to happen. Some nights when the worrying was too intense I would stand outside my parent's room for a while. Staring at the door, holding my breath as I felt my heart racing, praying that I would feel better and all of my worries and fears would go away. I would stand and when I finally got the courage to open the door I would walk in and express my struggles. This happened more times than I would like to admit. But the fear of the dark and all the bad things I associated it with would cause my little mind to run faster and faster than I knew how to handle.

The irrational fear of the night as a child was something that became more clear to my parents as I became a bit older and sleepovers started to be cool. There was no way, literally no way I would be caught at a sleepover. Absolutely not. Like, what if I felt sick and my mom wasn't there, or what if I got scared at night? What kind of home security system do these people have if any and who would make me feel better? What if while I was gone something happened to my parents? and I wasn't there! Yeah no, I was good to stay home. Even though I slept not the best at home, I was able to fall asleep at some point, but in my little running mind, there was no way I could shut my thoughts off and sleep under someone else's roof. My parents being in the next room was definitely a comforting feeling, for my general fears.

I always felt so uneasy when the world around me turned dark and now reflecting on my current state I can understand where it is coming from. Even as I became older and realized monsters were not under my bed and if I wasn't feeling well it was not the end of the world, I would still feel so unsettled at night. It is hard to admit but even now as a 23 year old female, one who is more intuitive with the world around her, feeling anxiety at night is a part of my daily routine. Yes, I have such bad anxiety at night, and sometimes when it takes over it brings me to tears. My running mind projecting my fears, which have always been within me since I was a child, have now caused a new pattern to emerge.

I guess I have given enough background to get into my current state. Don't even think that now that I am grown- up my running mind is gone. Oh no. It's here and it presents in a way that I like to call my "rituals". Before bed, I have certain things I have to do before I can lay in my bed and at least attempt to close my eyes. Although the little voice in my mind will question me and force me to get up and check that one thing one more time. A few things specifically about my room have to be perfect. My laptop needs to be at the perfect angle in the middle of my desk with nothing around it. The water next to my bed can't be too close to the edge. I have to go check the bathroom multiple times to make sure I turned the water off and put all my things away. I have to open my closet, look to the left and right, slowly, and then close the left door first then the right. Why does this matter, you ask? I have NO clue and that is the crazy part. It makes no sense but if I do not obey the voices in my mind telling me to do these rituals, I fear I will be punished for not following. My heart races and I become more fixated on completing the rituals as the world around me turns dark and I start to feel a bit vulnerable. I have always had a few of these rituals but as my anxiety over the years has increased, the night time anxiety which I think I have always been experiencing all my life has made my "night time routine" as an adult exhausting. I don't even look forward to laying in bed and trying to fall asleep because this is when my mind starts to run like crazy and my heart races. My body starts to react physically as my mind is going and going. My heart races faster and faster by the second and all of my senses are on high alert as it is dark around me. My anxious mind does what it does best and makes me fixate on things in my room being a certain way or something bad will happen to me or the people I love. The issue I've been having now is the constant need to re-check everything because my running mind won't stop and likes to question me. "Go check to make sure the doors are locked just one more time. Go to the washroom and make sure the water isn't running. Go check out that sound (even though I know it's just the fridge) because it's night time and it's time to be on high alert". So with my running mind going and going I close my eyes and pray that I will fall asleep before the little voice (my anxiety) plays with me and forces me to get up from my comfort. When I wake up the next morning all I can remember is the way I fell asleep and how exhausting and frustrating it felt to try and turn my mind off. My running mind keeps going and going. It doesn't even feel like I had a good sleep at all. Although, my anxiety pats me on the back for getting through the night and being safe while my good old friend the sun is back around me now. Almost like because I did all the rituals and checked everything twice (at least) that the darkness of the night did not follow me into the day.

In some weird way, as I write this, I have been able to express my feelings (which is scary) but also so relieving. I have taken steps since I wrote this to work on facing my fears and breaking down the feelings I have when it comes to the night. But by writing this I hope someone out there reading my deepest thoughts and the words that describe my true experiences may take the time to reflect. I may not be the only person in the world who has a running mind.