My maternal grandpa's impact on my life

The cellphone rang and my mom started to cry. I was asleep. It was 5:30 in the morning. She gasped in cry, “beta, come fast”. I knew this was the final time.

I was in Delhi. I had just returned to my hostel in Delhi after visiting my maternal grandfather, who was critically ill. I had to go back more than 800 kilometers in no time, to the same location where I was for three weeks with my grandpa (nana) as he lay dying. I had to make it quick, so I booked a flight. I arrived directly at the funeral where his last sacrifice was performed. A stream of thoughts was running into my mind until then. I reached the ghat at 4 in the evening where funeral rites were performed. I was fortunate to arrive before the sunset. He was dead. His corpse was cold and wrapped in a white cloth. I saw his face before he was sacrificed to the pyre. I could not feel anything within me. I was not crying. Though we were expecting his death as he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer but I never thought this would be so quick.

My nana was more than a father to me. He had a profound impact on my life. He was the most disciplined and consistent person I have lived with. I feel incredibly blessed that I had a person like him in my life. I feel incredibly blessed that I had a person like him in my life. My oldest memories are of sleeping with him under a mosquito net on the lawn of our village when I was somewhere seven. He would tell his neighbors when I came to visit him in the summer that his grandchild had arrived. Because I was the eldest grandchild, he loved me the most. Whenever I informed him that I'd obtained the highest grades in my class, he would regularly brag about me to everyone. After my schooling, I got busy with my academics and career, and could not visit to see him much. I do have regret not spending enough time with him during his old age.

I visited him three weeks before he died, and it was the first time since I had known him that his eyes had not sparkled. After being admitted to a local hospital's intensive care unit, doctors were unable to diagnose him, so they referred his case to a government facility in Lucknow city. When I saw him, he was thin and weak. He had no strength to sit, something I never anticipated he would have to deal with. I felt helpless. I decided to stay with him until he gets diagnosed and recovered. I cried multiple times when we were running across different hospitals in Lucknow. I couldn’t bear his painful condition. He was unable to move. I was concerned that he might not be diagnosed in time, or that we would fail to provide him with adequate medical treatment. Little did he spoke during those days. I explained to him that we would protect him and assure his recovery.

He was hesitant to visit the doctor until the day he died. He was ready to face death as a result of his negative experiences with physicians in the past. We tried our level best to get him to the hospital so that his weak body may live and his high fever would go down but he was reluctant. Finally, we honored his wishes by keeping him at the village house where he wanted to live. His last wish was to be at the village – his father (my great grandfather) wanted him to never leave the village house. Maybe, he sensed the death was nearby. During his final days, a large number of persons from all around the village visited him. Perhaps this was his desire during the last days. I'm happy about it.

I told him that I am learning Spanish and planning to move out of India after finishing my Chartered Accountancy. I shared my experience of Vipassana meditation with him. He would engage in conversation though he had no energy to speak. He built the majority of my qualities. He was responsible for ensuring that I did not drink tea or eat non-vegetarian meals since I spent the greater part of my early childhood with him. He was also physically active even at 80 and could ride to the market on a motorbike to get vegetables. I thought of him when I was doing Vipassana because he was the only person who could take this rigorous course. He inspired good habits within me.

When he was battling for life my CA results were released and I passed my group 1 exams. But the pain of slowly losing him was far greater than the joy of passing one of the toughest exams I wanted to clear. There was zero excitement within me.

A few months back I visited him in the village but could not spend a single night at his place. I regret not spending time with him. I know, he wanted me to stay but he did not say that. He did not like getting his pictures clicked but when I visited him I clicked few pictures with him. I'm not sure why I had an intuition that both nana and nani are in their old age, so any moment could be their last. So, I captured the memory with them through photographs.

Before it's too late, spend time with elderly folks who care about you genuinely.

Today, he is no more. In a matter of three weeks, he left me. There is nothing that has hit me so hard in life as far as I remember. This is an irrecoverable loss. His passing away was an emotional breakdown for me. I've generally cried over academic and professional disappointments, but I eventually achieved all of my academic and professional goals in life. But the pain of losing someone who loves you unconditionally is unbearable. On the other hand, I am happy he left for the abode without regrets and pain. When maternal uncle (mama) asked him about any of his unfulfilled desires, he replied all his desires have been completed.

I served wholeheartedly to him during his last days and I know he blessed me.