My Little Black Book

My vehicle was totaled by some lady driving to work. Was she tired or playing with music. I will never really know because 6 am in the morning is early for me. I heard the crash around 6:05 or so. The flashing blue light and the pounding on the door at 6:20 or so.

I guess I feel relieved. The jeep was a 95, still in my brother's name. I only had a week left before it would be in my name. the appointment with the DMV was scheduled for that next Tuesday. So my brother even took the settlement. Maybe they needed it more. When life kicks you when you're down, sometimes it punches you in the face also.

I sit in the car I borrowed from my grandma in the Walmart parking lot. I guess I’m grateful that my parents haven’t kicked me out of the house. Contemplating the world and decisions that have brought me this low. I look at the passenger and nearly jump out of the car again. 100$ bills lying on the seat. What the hell! I count them out and realize... I have 20,000 dollars.

My mind immediately goes to my bills. The hospital bill from a few years ago that I’m not done paying. My school loans. I don’t have a car? I could get a new car. I haven’t been able to pay my rent recently. Or the fact my business isn’t going well. Maybe I could even take a vacation. I haven’t seen my family in a long time. COVID-19 hit everyone hard.

Who gave it to me? Should I return it? It was put very nicely and kinda hidden on the seat. It is a Walmart parking lot. I guess I forgot to lock my doors. It has a ribbon around it with my name on it. My name… well I guess it’s mine? Then my mind goes to the little black book.

The little black book of unfinished dreams. Some of the dreams are so long ago, they can’t even be achieved anymore. Like at age 6 for a gardener so I wouldn’t have to weed the garden. Or at 11 wanting enough money to go to my grandfather’s funeral. He was being buried in Texas while I lived in Virginia. Being in a large family of 8 children it was impossible to take us all. At 24 realizing I didn’t have the money to go to my first younger sibling's wedding.

Not all of the dreams have been unfinished. Getting my oldest sister one of the best hair curlers at the time (it was at least 8 years ago). Finding unique, beautiful books for another sister who loves to journal. Most of my dreams that I have finished are quite small… in my opinion because they did not cost much money. Now I could fulfill my larger dreams of giving sparks of joy.

For my oldest sister Stormi, a pair of swing dance shoes. The expensive kind. Oh and maybe some money toward her honeymoon. She got married January 1, 2021. For her husband George I don’t know him well yet. Though I have heard he is a bit of a gamer so maybe a new tower with better specs.

Mia, my second sister is so much better with money than the rest of the family. The things I write for her are more towards creative or artsy. Her family love instruments and music. I would love to give them the bodràn and a box drum. They all love music and I know they don’t have those.

Maggie, my third older sister has just moved to Seattle during this past year. I feel most distant from her. She got a great job and bought a beautiful new house by the looks of it. For her and her boyfriend probably just some awesome t-shirts from tee turtle.com. Or crafts supplies because she is learning to sew.

My first younger brother Ken and his family live in a bad part of Salt Lake City. They don’t have the money to put down on a new apartment. I would love to have my nephews and niece in a safer place. So maybe a down payment on an apartment to him.

Joseph, my second younger brother, just moved to Omaha. His wife has family there and they wanted to be closer to them. My niece is an adorable 18 month old. The dreams I write in the black book for them are more about cool clothes or costumes. They live fully as they can. I envy them sometimes. The car settlement gave them a clean slate on most of their bills.

Now my youngest and last young brother is mitts or Mitchell. He struggles with depression. So do I. Unfortunately it never manifests the same. If money could actually solve that issue it would be so nice. The items for him are all about hammock chilling, disc golf and gas money. His serious girlfriend lives 4 hours away.

The baby of the family is kinda lost. Dreamy wants dearly to be a videographer. That is what she says. Dreamy doesn’t have any drive at this time. She lives at home and her only bill is her cell phone. I know and have recorded many different types of wishes but 19 is still such a trans-formative time. I think a cheap handheld recording device might be best.

Now my parents I have longed to give them the gift of traveling home. My dad, Martin is Japanese. He was born and raised in Hawaii though. He hasn’t been back since I was born in 1987. His oldest brother still lives in Hawaii. I have dreamed of sending him and my mom Christina on a genealogical trip since 2010.

I could pay off every bill and get completely debt free. I think I will be happier with my little dreams being fulfilled for my family. My little black book is how I hope to touch life. I want to leave a legacy of kindness with those I love. The black book contains close friends and acquaintances dreams too. Helping others dream is the best gift I could give. Then maybe, just maybe, I feel like I can live again. Sparking joy… might spark mine. Possibly saving lives and dreams one wish written in a little black book at a time.