My Home Birth Journey

My pregnancy was both beautiful and frightful all at once. I grew up in a home with 4 kids, 2 parents, 1 grandmother, 3 dogs, 2 cats, and 2 parakeets. We were far from a quiet household. So I have always assumed that I would have at least two or three kids myself.

My husband and I have been together 10 years when we decided to try for a baby. I went through a roller coaster of emotions every month when as I waited to see if we were pregnant or not. I couldn’t believe we were finally going to have a new addition. It had just been us this whole time, adventuring and running around the world. Was I ready? Of course I was…it’s been ten years! But then again... maybe not? I still go to bed at 1 AM and I have a budding career. On the other hand, I get a little human to shape and love that is a piece of the person I love most in this world. But….and I kept cycling like this for about two months, since that was all it took. That test came back positive and I had preemptively bought ice cream and gummy bears to either celebrate or cry with. Turns out, I did both anyway.

And the morning sickness began…and stayed…for what felt like forever. I had a lot of mixed feelings, of guilt and unhappiness. I couldn’t believe I had wished this upon myself. Would it ever let up? Everyone said that it had to, but I could see no end in sight. The feelings of inadequacy so early on weighed heavily on me because I didn't feel like all of the other moms. I didn't have that instant connection. But 14 weeks and 12 pounds later, it did let up and everything changed.

The only thing I was certain of, was that I was determined to have a home birth. My interest had started about a year ago when I watched “The Business of Being Born” It forever changed and enlightened my views of birth and what it could be. I wanted the births that I had seen. Quiet and peaceful. Safe and loving. Comfortable and without intervention. And that’s what I did! But not without some craziness along the way. It wouldn’t truly be my life without a little chaos. This is our story.

The story of Mike, Christina, Tania, and Maverick. Dad, Mom, Midwife/angel, and baby. The journey of a lifetime. The birth that I prayed for and received.

Dealing with my worries that resenting being so sick meant I wasn't going to love my baby enough was only the first of many challenges. My midwife was instrumental in making sure that I understood this was normal. And that of course it did not decide what type of mom I was going to be. That media portrays being pregnant generally 1 of 2 ways.

A: The beautiful glowing Mary Poppins of a mom who has the easiest pregnancy and looks adorable while doing it. Somehow, that is the epitome of motherhood.

B: The cranky, grouchy, fat pregnant lady who resents all kids and hates the man that knocked her up.

The truth is, there are many more scenarios than those two, and most women identify with several different versions of pregnancy along the way and we should absolutely not use television and movies as a metric as to what is to come.

Once my morning sickness let up, I was a new woman! And there was no stopping me! Around 14 weeks, the days started to get easier and by 16 weeks, I was mostly back to my normal self. I began to love being pregnant in ways I never thought that I could. I felt unstoppable! I traveled to Oregon for work and did some exploring, completed a 5K run (walk), and visited with my volleyball girls that I coached. A lot was changing in order to bring this new person into our family, and we were starting to look ahead to the future.

At about 11 weeks, I met with my midwife for the first time. She is a licensed midwife and I knew from the consultation, that she was the one I wanted on this journey with me. My husband and I would drive about an hour and 15 minutes to meet with her since we lived in a remote rural area that did not provide any type of prenatal or obstetric care. It was always my favorite thing. It didn’t matter how sick I was, I was up for the drive.

The beauty of having a midwife, is that she would not only check on the growing baby, but she was taking care of me too. In the beginning, we would meet once a month, just like you would with an OBGYN, however I would get much more out of our meetings. I was very close with my sister and was nearly inseparable with her during her pregnancy, so I was surprised at how vastly different our care was.

I would show up to her office and feel an instant calm. There is a comfy couch with several throw pillows, a desk, and a beautiful little twin bed with a lavender comforter and more cushions. There is a beautiful painted belly plaster hanging on the wall, and you get a warm homey sense from the room. It’s a joy to walk into.

She asks me the standard questions: any dizziness? swelling? headaches? etc. And then she asks me how I’m feeling…and the flood gates open. This is my opportunity, so I sit cross legged, cradling my growing belly, and I tell her all of the funny encounters I have with people, the emotions that flow through me, and she confirms my suspicions that the pressure in my ribs and left lung are his teeny tiny feet. The hour always seemed to fly by!

I couldn’t believe that I was going to have a little boy. Our Maverick! For years, my husband and I had never even considered having a boy. We only ever discussed when we had a little girl – Cali. And here we were, going to have a son. Life was brighter then I could imagine. I was no longer sick, I felt strong and happy, and my job was going so amazingly. I was creating a safe little nest for our boy when he came. My due date was October 16th! I had asked my husband for an October baby. It was the strangest thing, because there was no reason, just a feeling.

There was trouble on the horizon and we never saw it coming. The day started beautifully. My husband and I made the drive down to Tania’s office and it was warm and the sun was shining. The orange blossoms smelled amazing outside of her house, and it was the one smell that I couldn't get enough of. After our appointment, we were going to head to Palm Springs for our anniversary and my husbands first father's day. I was in such a good place. We talked about how happy I was that I was feeling better. How much more connected I felt to my baby growing now that I could focus on the positive. One of her common phrases she uses with me “That’s a good place to be.”

My parting words to Tania were, “Don’t worry, I will wear tons of sun screen, drink plenty of water, and wear a hat!” we laughed, and hugged, and set our next appointment. We said good- bye, I would see her next month…I thought.

We headed to Palm Springs. We stayed at a beautiful hotel and spent the day with my sister, her husband, and my amazingly cute nephew. As I woke up Sunday morning, you would be hard pressed to find a happier person in this whole world. I was irritatingly blissful. The desert sun streamed into our hotel room, the crisp white sheets and comforter rustled as my gorgeous husband, who strove to give me and our growing baby anything that we needed, turned over and opened his sleepy eyes to look right into my face. Nothing could bring me down from cloud nine. My heart still swells remembering the way he looked at me. Was I allowed to have this kind of love ten years later?

As we left Palm Springs, I was rested, tan, and ready to get back to work. We left around 3PM, and were back home after a stop for lunch, by 6PM. I started to feel an ache on the skin of my lower back – like it was bruising. My husband had said there wasn’t anything there so I just assumed it was a weird pregnancy ache. By time we had gotten home, I was shivering. I thought it must be the temperature change – going from 112 degrees in Palm Springs to 72 degrees at home. I took a long hot bath and decided to go to bed early. As I curled up under my down comforter, I worried that I was getting sick. Probably just needed to sleep it off.

The next thing I knew, my husband was shaking me awake with an alarmed tone in his voice. He told me that I was burning up and that I needed to get out from under the covers. But I couldn’t, I was just way too cold and groggy. He started doing research online and all signs pointed to heat stroke which could be deadly for the baby. I was so confused. I couldn’t have heat stroke, I did all of the right things. I kept cool, wore a hat, drank a ton of ice water, and lathered up on the sun screen. But he was adamant. He grabbed every frozen thing he could get from the freezer and covered my body while he ran to the grocery store to buy a thermometer. When he got back, my temperature was at 102 degrees. He tried to get my as cool as possible while loading me into the car and headed towards the emergency room. He called ahead alerting them that I was pregnant and coming in severely ill with a very high fever.

I spent the night in the emergency room, and by spent the night, I mean I shivered restlessly while waiting for something to happen. By 7AM, they decided to do an ultrasound to make sure the baby was okay, and then I finally saw the doctor, my temperature had gone down but my heart was racing and they did not want to release me until the tachycardia had subsided. With my heart rate anywhere from 111 to 130 bpm, they were concerned. After review of all of blood samples and tests, they had decided to release me, and I was to return later that day if it had not returned to normal. In starting the discharge process, they asked me all the same questions, and I responded with all of the same answers. I am freezing cold, my back is really sore, and I'm tired. They re-examined by back and a small quarter-sized rash had appeared where I had been complaining of the bruise like pain. At that moment, everything changed.

I was transferred to a major hospital about an hour and a half away to see their infectious disease specialist. When our hospital called to explain the situation, they demanded they transport me immediately. I had never been in the hospital before, let alone an ambulance. I was admitted to the labor and delivery unit when I arrived because nobody was quite certain where to put me. That was a very difficult night for everyone. Mike and I were both so worried about Maverick with my fever escalating, my blood pressure dropping, and my heart rate increasing. And this rash was growing at an astounding rate.

I awoke in the middle of the night to a team of doctors frantically touching and pulling on me. I couldn’t understand what the urgency was. The doctor came to my bedside and tried to explain what needed to happen next in order to save my life. My fever had spiked to 107, my blood pressure had dropped to a deadly level, and my heart was trying to beat out of my chest at 140 beats per minute. Despite feeling like I was in the arctic with no clothes on, they put me on a cooling pad that was 35 degrees, and covered me in ice packs. They had a surgical team on stand by in the event they needed to get Maverick out. This was the last resort, when saving me was no longer an option, they were going to perform a caesarian and attempt to save my baby at 24 weeks. I look back now and realize the severity, but I heard this conversation between the doctors and my husband, through a cloudy haze of pain pills, grogginess, and machines beeping. They did their best to explain why I had to allow them to torture me with the cold. And in truth, there were many times that I could have given up. Where I felt like any second I was going to succumb. But I worried for my husband who faithfully stayed by my side. I couldn't let him go through all of this alone.

When the nurses shift changed in the morning, the nurse who had been with me all night, hugged me good bye with tears in her eyes, and said she hoped that I would be alright. Was I that bad off? The nurses were crying? I was truly shocked. I worry to this day that I traumatized her.

In the morning, they discussed the necessity for a CAT scan or for an MRI. They went over the risks to my baby doing either test, but if I didn’t live, his chances at 24 weeks were very slim. As my rash grew and spread, my organs began to shut down, and I developed sepsis and pneumonia. They were in a race to find out what it was and how to treat it. Every few hours I would have another batch of student doctors coming in to take pictures of this illness they had never seen before, and couldn’t figure out. My blood cultures continued to yield no abnormalities and they kept taking blood hoping the next test would have the answer.

After I had the MRI (I later learned that the radiologist refused to give me the contrasting agent since I was pregnant, and worked hard to ensure adequate photos of my skin) I was transferred to the ICU. My whole plan for Maverick was to keep his little body as pure as possible. And here I was on Norco, Morphine, Flexerol, Lidocain patches, having chest x-rays, and now an MRI. I felt so incredibly guilty. I thought all of these interventions were to keep him safe. I didn’t realize until much later that it was to keep me alive, which in turn kept him alive. My body was failing, not his. It shook my soul to realize that when I left.

My midwife came to visit me in the hospital. I was so distraught when she arrived. I was worried she wouldn’t want to attend my birth anymore because I would be considered “high risk”. When she arrived, her presence as always, made me feel so much better. She rubbed my hair and asked me how I felt. I told her I felt scared, and sad, and traumatized. She told me to tell her all about it, and she soothed me as I recounted the experience I had the previous day when they put in a central line. This is a procedure, usually done on patients who are sedated and intubated and I was neither. But I was strapped down to a table, with a cloth draped over my face, while they put a line (it looked like a phone charger cord) in my neck, down my carotid artery into my heart. I told her how I felt the blood gush down my neck as I gurgled because of the pneumonia, making it so I couldn’t breath, but terrified to move or cough. They turned my ICU room into a sterile room for a surgical procedure and I was all alone. It was the one day my husband has returned home to get clothes and supplies to stay with me.

After one week in the ICU, despite developing pneumonia in my left lung, my heart rate had slowed, blood pressure went up, and my fever had broke, so they moved me to the antepartum wing. Through a cocktail of 3 different antibiotics they finally had gotten my sickness under control. They had no answer what really caused any of this. The only thing they could say was that a bacteria in my skin that had caused me to develop sepsis. Which was why my life was in danger so quickly. All of my blood culture samples did not yield any answers.

A week later, and they were going to allow me to go home to recover and rest instead of doing so in the hospital. When I left, I was haggard and weak, but I was so grateful to be alive and know that I was going to be okay. There is no hygiene care while you are knocking on death's door, so not only was I going to have to recover my body internally, but my hair and skin were going to need the VIP treatment.

I realized after I left the hospital the emotional and mental toll that this near death experience had on me. The worry and love I had for my baby was overwhelming, and facing the fact that my husband was so close to either raising him by himself, or being a widower without a baby was almost too much to handle. There was only one place to go, so a few days after I was released, Tania made room for me to come down the mountain and talk with her. We sat on the grass in the front yard under the orange trees. You could smell the blossoms and there was fruit all around, and she talked to me as I cried and told her all of my emotions and fears. I explained the nightmares I was having, and the overwhelming realization about how helpless I felt to protect my little baby.

I left her office feeling confident that I would recover and looked forward to the growth that we were going to have. My baby and I stuck together. He took care of himself when I couldn’t take care of him. And now it was my turn to let him know how I would never forsake him again. That I was going to be strong and finish helping him develop, and we were going to have a home birth and work together as a team.

The healing process was long, but necessary and I had tremendous support. It was six long weeks but there was no shortage of well wishes and kindness. My work wanted me to take all the time off that I needed, and allowed me to work from home when I felt up to it. If I even sighed in the middle of the night, my husband was awake and checking on me. And Maverick was a constant reminder of how far we had come and that I had to work hard at getting my body strong again.

I began to lament watching my summer pass me by from my bedroom window and I forced myself up and out of the house. My husband helped me by going on short walks down the street with me. I would get out of breath and weak and we would head back. But he never complained and was always encouraging me.

We started to have fun again and life started to get back to normal. I went back to work… I had strong sense of obligation to them. They never once made me feel like I was not doing enough, or taking too much time, but I was so grateful for their support, that I wanted to to do my absolute best.

Everyone was so kind and excited and I grew bigger and bigger. It felt like time was flying by. He would be here before I knew it. In my appointments with Tania, I kept telling her how I was not so sure that he was going to wait until 40 weeks. Legally, a midwife can deliver a baby between 37 weeks (full term) and 42 weeks (two weeks over due). I was worried that if I did not make it until September 25th, I was going to have to deliver in a hospital. I hadn’t come all this way to fall short.

At 36 weeks, my midwife came to my house with her assistant that will be attending my birth, and we talked about my birth plan, what I do and do not want, and as always, how I am feeling. I had started to have a heavy discharge during that week, and a little bleeding. I could not shake the feeling that he was coming. Everyone kept telling me “all first time moms think the babies coming” “don’t worry, he isn’t coming yet, you have plenty of time” But I had been so in tune with Maverick my whole pregnancy, I knew it wasn't going to be much longer.

My home visit was a family affair to be sure. My sister, her husband, and my nephew were there. Along with my Mom and her husband. Of course my husband, and then Tania and Jade, who was a student midwife and would be assisting Tania. At the end of our appointment, I gave her my weight and a urine sample. But this time, there was blood. I asked her to come look at it. She said that if I was 38 weeks, this would not be an issue, but it’s a little concerning since I was 36 weeks. I needed to take it easy and rest. We had to keep this little guy in there until at least the 25th. It was only the 16th.

Tania and Jade left us instructions on what to do when I did go into labor and if for some reason we had to deliver without anyone around. Oddly enough, that same week, there were two women nearby to us that had given birth in their cars on the way to the hospital, and our midwife was just over an hour away. So it wasn't entirely impossible.

The next night, Thursday the 17th, I received a call from Tania. She informed me that one of my hospital scans from when I was sick put Maverick 6 days ahead of what we were going by. She let me know that if I wanted, we could move up my due date, which effectively pushed up my full term date to Saturday the 19th. I was so relieved. And so grateful that Tania took my worries seriously and looked into this deeper. I told her absolutely, let's update that.

Friday the 18th, Mike and I sat on the couch together after dinner, contemplating how these were our last few weeks together before we officially became parents. It was very surreal. I suggested we put up the birth pool just in case to make sure it held air. And we spent the next hour before bed laughing and goofing around.

As I crawled into bed at 11:30 PM, I received an e-mail from Tania. It stated that she hadn’t anticipated being on call this weekend since I wasn’t supposed to be full term until next week, so she already had a backpacking trip for Saturday planned. If for some reason I needed anything to contact another midwife named Robin. I told her I’m sure I will be fine for one more day, and to have fun.

Typically, when I would have Braxton Hicks, I would stay very still, so I could practice breathing through them. My own preparation for labor, but the ones that woke me up were too much, and at 1:30 in the morning, I was sleepy. So I decided to get up and move around to get them to go away. 6 steps to the bathroom and I felt an unfamiliar gush.

“Mmmiiikkkeee” I quietly called out.

“hmmm”

“I think my water just broke.”

I wasn’t completely sure of what I felt. Could this really be it? An hour and half into being full term? I called Tania and let her know what was happening.

“Are you having any contractions?”

“I am not sure. I think I had two that woke me up, but I haven’t felt anything yet.”

“I want you to keep track of any contractions and call me in an hour”

I waited for about 5 minutes and that’s when the first contraction hit that I was certain of. It was unmistakable, but I did not want to get too excited. Labor can start and stop, it can progress slowly, I needed to be sure. So I got my contraction counter on my phone and started to keep track. From the very first one, they were clocking at about one minute long and three to five minutes apart. Was I doing this right? I thought that was when you were transitioning into active labor? I must be doing it wrong.

I text Tania an hour later:

“I am definitely in labor, but to what extent I am unsure.”

“how far apart are your contractions?”

I sent her a screen shot of my contraction counter*

“Okay, do you want me to head up?”

“Isn’t it a little early for that?” I didn’t want her sitting with me for 18 hours. After all, that is the average labor length.

“Not necessarily. I am going to start heading your way”

I couldn’t believe it. It was all happening so fast, much faster than even I realized. At that point I was standing in the nursery and had the strongest contraction yet. I felt like I was going to throw up. And I did….

I text Tania again:

“I just threw up, does that mean anything?”

“Yes. You are cranking. I am on my way. Get in the shower and try to relax”

And just like that, everything changed. I was in mommy mode. He was coming and it was time to put all of my mental preparation to work. I got in the shower and I felt that same gush again. Yup, definitely my water.

My husband called my sisters and mom to let them know I was starting my labor and went downstairs to turn up the hot water heater as Tania had instructed him at the home meeting. I got out of the shower and dried off and headed to my bedroom to get dressed. Another contraction caught me as I was passing the top of the stairs so I got down on my hands and knees and rode it out. As I did, I heard familiar sounds, yet strange for the situation I was in. I heard the garbage disposal, dishes being put away in cupboards, and general busy work being done stairs. Was my husband really cleaning the kitchen while I was in labor?? Before I could be too upset, it was contraction time again.

I made it to my bed, discarded the wet towel, and tried to get into bed to labor as I had always assumed I would. I took advantage of the quietness and solitude to talk to Maverick out loud.

“Okay Maverick. This is it. You are coming and you and I are going to work together one last time before you’re born. I know you and I can make it through safely. I trust you and you can trust me. It’s going to be hard but I will be right here when you arrive. I love you little baby”

I will never forget that moment with him. Saying those words out loud changed everything about what was happening. This was no longer just a strong pain I was having. It was the last exertion at the end of a very long race, and there was no way I could lose. This was a good thing that was happening to me. I embraced it, and knew it would be challenging. But it didn’t feel as though something happening to me, so much as an empowering feeling of triumph. I was going to win! How could I not with my baby being the prize.

The bed was of no use. It felt like there was no comfortable place to rest my body while I went through these mind scrambling contractions. I headed downstairs. I needed my husband by my side.

I was in awe when I came downstairs. He listened. He heard me all of those time I rambled on and on about what my perfect birth place looked like. He had my pool filling up, all of the lights were off except for soft light coming from the kitchen, and there were plenty of candles lit all around. The peacefulness that over came me was gone as quickly as it came with the next contraction. They were ramping up, and although they were incredibly strong, and while they were happening, it was all I could focus on, I continued to ask myself…”If I could have pain meds right now, would I take it?” the answer was always, No. I knew I could do this. But the question was, how long? Wasn’t labor supposed to be hours upon hours? My worry was that I couldn’t keep this up for 15 more hours if that was what was in store for me. I had no idea that I was already in active labor. That was the reason for the intensity. I was rounding 3rd base, and on my way to home plate at that point.

I couldn’t take the weight of my belly. It felt like there was no place to put it. So I decided to climb into the pool. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. It allowed me to focus on my contractions, spend my energy in a useful way, and labor without finding a way to hold up the giant pumpkin attached to the front of me.

Tania and my sister arrived at the same time. Around 4:00 AM. First my sister entered. She walked over and brushed my hair back and told me “you’re doing so good” *oookay…* I rolled my eyes in my head*

Tania came in and walked over to me. She kneeled by the birth pool and whispered to me “you’re doing so good Christina” *compared to what?!* I thought to myself. I couldn’t figure out how they could tell. I couldn’t catch my breath. These contractions were coming at me so fast. Again, I could handle this, but doesn’t it get worse? Don’t I have to do this for so much longer??

And then Mike brought me back to my happy place. He sat on a stool in front of my face. I was kneeling in the pool and leaning over the edge. He placed both hands on either side of my face and put his forehead against mine. I can do this. No matter what. I was doing good. In a round about way, my little family was all united, touching, and working together.

I had secretly been pushing since before I got into the pool. It helped absorb the pain. But I was worried….I had so much further to go and I didn’t want to exhaust myself.

“Tania, is it okay that I’m pushing?”

“Yeah, do whatever you feel you need to do”

That was it. I had my green light! With the next contraction, I bared down through it and suddenly, I had a new burst of energy. I felt like I was getting somewhere. The warrior in me was let loose and I was going to conquer these contractions. The pains leading up to this, were by far the most intense paid that I had ever felt. But it was bearable. And more then that, I knew it would pass. I knew it would be worth it. Now being able to push, the tempo had changed. I felt the pain of the contraction building and at the height of it, I would push, and for those 7-10 seconds I was pushing, there was no pain. But by now, the contractions were so close, I could hardly catch my breath.

“Christina? Just let me know when his head is coming”

“How will I know that?!” I was alarmed. I know I said I wanted to do this by myself…but what if I didn’t really know what to do?

“Don’t worry, you will know”

It wasn’t more than 3 more pushes before I had the urge to reach between my legs. And sure enough, there was his head, not quite crowing yet.

“Tania, I can feel his head”

“Okay”

She quietly made her way behind the birth pool. She dropped in a small flashlight and she had a mirror and small flashlight of her own. I had forgotten she was even there until I needed something, She truly did listen to my birth plan. She knew how important it was to me for me to do this myself.

“Mike, do you want to feel?” I wanted to give him a chance to experience this as I was before the baby was born. It was the last time we would have him like this, with me being pregnant. Everything was leading to this very second.

“Sure” mike reached into the pool and felt for him.

“I can feel his head!!” He announced as his eyes lit up. I was glad he and I could share that moment together.

A few pushes and he was crowning. “There’s that ring of fire everyone’s talking about” There was a quiet giggle. But the truth is, it was not that bad. The contractions hurt worse. This was almost a relief.

“Okay, when the baby crowns, it is time to stop trying to push him out, and start to breathe him out." It sounds silly, but he has come so far, gravity and deep breaths allow him to slip out smoothly while allowing your body to stretch slowly and naturally. Once I felt his head come out, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I was bracing myself for the next contraction to hit me, but it didn’t.

“Okay Christina, in the next contraction, he’s going to slide out. You’re going to reach down and pick him up”

This was it, the final moment before I got to meet my son. It’s amazing how my body finally gave me the break that I so desperately needed. That last contraction began to build and as I gave my final push, I felt him come into this world so peacefully and as I had dreamed. I reached into the water, oriented him right side up and lifted my baby boy out of the water and onto my chest

It was all at once beautiful but not the least bit frightful. I was made for this. To be this babies mom. To bring him into this world safely, and gently, and quietly. With all the love my heart could muster. I was the very first thing he felt when he left the safe place inside of me to this foreign outside world. We worked together as I knew we would. I just didn’t realize we would do this so quickly!

He was born at 5:17AM. Just over an hour after Tania had arrived. My love bug was here. I couldn’t believe it. Now, it was time for all of the planning about what we wanted for our son to come into play.

We had agreed on delayed cord clamping. So after I delivered the placenta, I stayed in the birth pool while loving on my newly born baby. My midwife inspected it to make sure it was healthy and that I had delivered it completely. It was wrapped in towels and placed in a large freezer sized ziplock bag. So whoever had the baby, had the placenta bag. It really wasn’t as bad as it sounds. You couldn't see anything and the benefits of leaving his umbilical cord attached was important to us. Letting him receive all of the blood and oxygen that circulated through the placenta, back into his body was great for him.

The assistant who was as our home visit, never made it to the birth. It was so sudden and so fast that I’m lucky I intercepted Tania even before her trip. (which I did apologize for derailing. Although it was more of a delay since my birth was so quick, she was able to still go) Instead, there was another midwife named Robin who was absolutely amazing. My midwife had let me know when she walked in that Robin would be helping, but I was a little preoccupied at the time. I do believe she got a thumbs up from me, and then I went back to laboring. It wasn’t until after Maverick was born that I learned her name.

They helped me to the bathroom to get cleaned up and educate me on how to take care of myself now that I had delivered the baby. This is where all of the fun stuff in my birth kit came in handy. The peri-bottle with the homeopathic peri cleanse drops were my favorite thing ever. It was so soothing and helped me to heal quite fast. My guilty pleasure, the adult diaper! I still laugh at myself, but you are going to never realize how grateful you will be for them. The irony was not lost on me that I was not only diapering my newborn, but myself as well.

Other goodies in the bag, wombstringe. It’s a dropper bottle with herbs that help your uterus contract back. Yes, although you’ve delivered, more contractions! But not nearly as painful. More like a period cramp, but it only lasts for a few seconds. Homeopathic nipple balm, which is also used on the babies butt. To help that first poop not stick to everything. The meconium will surprise you. the first couple of diapers are strange.

The living room couch pulls out into a futon, so as I was delivering the placenta, my sister was making me a bed. When I came out of the bathroom, my husband and I laid down on the bed and feel asleep as I lay skin to skin with my baby. We fell asleep, and as I woke up, I realized the room looked different. While we were sleeping, Tania and Robin had completely cleaned up everything from the birth. All that remained were two paper bags of trash, sitting neatly by the stairs. The whole affair had been condensed down to two paper bags. The pool, the water, everything, was gone.

“Okay, all that’s left to do is cut the cord.”

I blinked my eyes as the room started to lighten because of the rising sun, and was no longer afraid of this step. I had struggled with the idea of cutting the cord. Severing the tie that had kept him close to me and safe all of this time. But somehow, now, it wasn’t so scary. I was peacefully sleepy. Not groggy and confused like when I was in the hospital. So I handed my baby over to Tania, who had become my guardian angel, guiding me through this process. I knew I could trust her implicitly. She laid the baby down at my feet as she measured and weighed, and did all of those things. I dozed on and off, napping next to my husband who also had worked so hard to keep both of us safe. We made it. I couldn’t believe it.

“Do you want to know how much he weighs?” His weight had been on ongoing joke. My mom had all small babies, my sister had a small baby, but my husband was a huge baby. I was 5 pounds even, and my husband was almost 9 pounds.

“6lbs 4oz. That was the one thing I heard "

My beautifully tiny baby. She laid him back in my arms, and sat next to us as she gave us instructions as to what to look for, how to take care of myself, and what my family could do to help.

“Okay, you are all set. I will be back tomorrow morning to check on you.”

We said our good-byes. I was overwhelmingly grateful to her. And overwhelmingly tired. She opened the door and the sun poured in onto her, making her appear the angel that I always knew she was to me and my family. She stepped outside and as the door closed quietly behind her, I looked down at Maverick, and I realized a new journey, in that very moment, had just begun.