My daughter was bullied in kindergarten. It turned out that the child's social life was more cruel than expected.

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The financial daughter of Munich University of Technology, the "human sobriety" in the parenting world.

It started a month ago.

On the way after school that day, the cake was a little depressed. She told me that L said "no" to me loudly today, several times.

L is a girl in her class, the same age as her.

I'm a little surprised that pancakes are the kind of kids who are friendly to everyone and never provoke others. What happened?

Why did L say no to you? What won't she let you do?

She doesn't want me to play with her.

Oh. Do you know why?

I don't know. She just doesn't want me to play. Mom, do you know why?

I can't guess, she may have her reasons, for example, she just wanted to be alone at that time?

Or is she not interested in the game you play? In fact, "why" does not matter, the important thing is, you do not have to play with her, you do not have a lot of friends!

However, I can't play with my friends.

Why?

Because L plays with my friends, she said, I can't join them.

Although it is said that "the child's social life belongs to the child", this last sentence alarmed me.

You don't want to play with me, no problem. It's your right. I don't care.

However, you let my friends not play with me and exclude me from the social circle. This is isolated and cannot be tolerated.

Before discussing how to deal with the pie, I think the first thing to solve is not the question of "who to play with", but the heart knot of the cake.

I can feel that there are some injuries in the heart of the cake.

In fact, it is more confused and unwilling.

Before that, the social relationship of the cake went well, the children in the class were very kind to her, the children she liked liked her, and the children she didn't like liked her, too.

Re-organized after the epidemic, girl L is a new class, is the first cake with a hot face on the cold ass of the person.

According to the description of the cake, she made a lot of efforts to make the girl like her.

She gave L a Christmas tree by hand, and the cake specially emphasized that there was a present and a teddy bear under the Christmas tree.

I can see that she put a lot of effort into making this gift. She wants to be friendly and want to be friends with L.

However, L still does not play with her, not only does not play with her, but also does not let her join the friends' game.

Hearing her say that, I can't help but feel a little heartbroken. ??

I know where her heart is.

The 4-year-old doesn't understand. Why doesn't this person like me? What did I do wrong?

I asked the cake, what do you think of mom?

She answered bluntly, "Yes!"

I said, I also think I am very good, but you know, my mother is so good, there are still some people do not like me.

The cake asked inexplicably, why?

Well... In fact, I do not know why, no matter what I do, what I write (cookies know that my job is to "write"), there will always be some people say I am not good, and others will scold me.

The cake probably felt that I had been wronged and reached out to touch my arm to comfort me.

I then asked her, do you think it's mom's problem that someone doesn't like me?

The pie said firmly, "No, it's their problem."

I clapped my hand and said, that's right! It's not my problem that they don't like me. If everyone doesn't like me, then I really should look for a reason in myself. But now the situation is, nine out of ten people like me, only one person does not like me, this is not my problem.

The pie nodded hard.

I took the opportunity to say, you have so many good friends in kindergarten, everyone likes you so much, only such a girl doesn't like you, do you think this is your problem?

No!

Yes, I don't think it's your problem, especially since she won't let you play with your friends. It must be her fault.

Why don't I help her figure out how to solve the problem of "who to play with", but discuss these philosophies with her?

Because I know that children's thinking is very "straight", they will think that the world is a mirror, I am good to you, you should also be good to me.

If you are not good to me, they will think it is because they are not good enough, and then make all kinds of efforts to please each other.

In particular, introverted children are more emotionally sensitive and more likely to attribute themselves in this way.

I want to tell my daughter two things:

Other people don't like you, not necessarily because you did something wrong, you are very good, as we all know.

Others deliberately isolate you and gang you out. No matter what the "reason" is, ta must be wrong.

Countermeasure. I talked to her, too.

However, I was prepared for "useless" from the very beginning.

Things have come to this point, I think it is very necessary to communicate with the teacher.

German kindergarten teachers are the parenting teachers themselves, and I believe they have a way to deal with this situation.

The teacher's view is the same as mine. If L just doesn't want to play with pancakes, there's nothing I can do. This is a social interaction between children, and the teacher won't interfere.

German kindergartens do not blindly encourage children to be "United and fraternal". There is a German children's song that says, "only what I like belongs to my world." you can respect your feelings.

German education advocates that I am an independent individual, I have my own ideas, I do not like to play with you is my freedom, do not like it is not like, it is so arrogant.

But! There is a premise that you can only decide what you do, you can't decide what others do.

Pancake friends do not want to play with pancakes, but L prevents pancakes from joining them, which certainly won't work.

The teacher used a strong adjective to express his attitude: it was "clear and resolute unacceptable".

A lot of bullying begins with isolation. Isolated children dare not tell their teachers and parents that I am isolated because I am not good enough, so the other side is fearless and escalates into bullying step by step.

I'm not saying that girl L is a bully, not to that extent.

In fact, I prefer to believe that L just doesn't know how to socialize. She thinks that by uniting several children and isolating a person, she can "grab" friendship. Don't some childish adults feel the same way? )

Although, the teacher attaches great importance to this problem.

He promised me that he would pay special attention to the conversation between "eavesdropping" L and the pie, and told me roughly how he would deal with such a thing--

If he hears L say no pancakes, then L must give an explanation, why can't he? Is it because this game can't be played by one more person?

No.

If it's not, why can't she join us? Is it because she made you all angry?

No.

Well, if this is the case, then your behavior is called "personal exclusion", which is absolutely unacceptable in kindergarten. You should apologize to her, not to punish you, but because "crowding out" will make others feel very hurt.

Hearing the teacher's words, I actually had tears in my eyes.

How many children are isolated and even bullied, only get a "fly does not bite seamless egg" from teachers and parents.

Flies sting you, not because you have seams.

Regardless of whether a person can make a "seamless egg" forever, even if you make a table leg and a glass, a fly may sting you.

Because it's a fly.

When picking up the baby in the afternoon, the teacher told me that he stressed with all the children at the morning meeting that everyone can join in and play, "exclusion" and "isolation" are not accepted here, and there is no tolerance.

He paid special attention to what the girl L said to the pancake. He no longer heard L not let the pancake play together. The two girls laughed together today, holding hands and jumping together, as if nothing had happened before.

The child is in trouble socially, and adults often go to two extremes.

At one extreme, it doesn't matter. I think children ha