Motherhood

Amidst the roaring waves, I hear the whisper of a gentle breeze as the setting sun paints the horizon crimson. My mind is rough as the sea in front of me. My son had set before and ushered darkness into my life. I do not know when we will see the next daybreak. Or if we will see it at all?

Life suddenly seems to be full of unending problems. The night is long and I cannot find my way in this utter darkness. There are no stars to guide me and I have no torch to light my path. The small candle that I have flickers in the wind and I seem to have lost my way and am groping. Will I ever reach my home?

The sound of music makes my heart light. Yet I feel the heaviness in its emptiness. What a life! For almost ten months, my little boy was inside my womb. And as he moved inside, I felt his gentle kicking. My labor pains vanished when I saw his lovely face. His soft innocent face relieved me of all the pains I had from the Caesarean. As he sucked the first milk from my nipples, I felt on the top of the world. Yes I had become a mother.

How proud I was to be known as the mother of the cute little thing. How I wished to cuddle him and not let him go. And what all dreams I had! I heard his whisper of ma. In my mind's eye, I saw him joining the school and saw him wearing different types of clothes. How I wanted him to be like his father, for he was the symbol of our love.

I had wonderful dreams as he slept by my side with those lovely hands curled into small fists. His cry was music to my ears. For I have waited for this day for ten long years. He was special. He was mine. I had great plans for him and us.

But alas, my joy was short lived. The doctors said that my little son could not suck properly and they want to observe him. They kept him in the ICU and I hoped in vain that he will come to me very soon.

He had gone in a week, making me weak, lonely and miserable. The science of medicine threw at me some statistics which I could not understand. They could not explain how this could happen to us? I did not have the strength to bear his parting. Will he come back to me? What wrong have I done? I argued with my God. I pleaded. I do not know whether I should be angry with him or accept it as part of my destiny.

Three more years have gone by and these years saw me miscarry as many times. With each year, I have become more pale and weak; I have lost all hope and have become mentally infirm. But at last my God, whom I thought to be dumb and deaf, has answered my prayers. Yes I have become a mother again -- this time to a lovely girl. I have resumed my dreams as I cuddled the bundle of joy closer to me as now I feel nobody can snatch her away.

My mind is restless and ideas flow too fast that I can neither recall nor record them. Life is full of contradictions. Full of defeated hopes and successful tragedies -- a paradox always. My daughter is all I think about now and everything else seems so trivial

=====================Rcay====================