Me in the midst of domestic violence

I was a child growing up with domestic violence, and my family was stuck in a cycle. Drinking, cheating, fighting, domestic violence, forgiveness. Every time my mother will be very desperate, but I was still young at that time, do not know the meaning of divorce, only know that my mother is very painful, adults said that divorce can make my mother out of pain. But every time the mother will be self-righteous said: it is for you. I don't understand. Why me? Isn't it nice to have no dad in this family? Mom's divorced, so we don't have to live in fear!

In my memory, the deepest impression is ten years old, winter. I was playing games in my room when I heard my father growling in the next room. When I got to their room, I thought, I would remember it for the rest of my life.

My father pulled my mother's hair and banged her head against the wall like crazy. Mom screamed and struggled to free herself from Dad. I froze. I just stood there, watching. My little brother was screaming and crying in bed. He's not even five years old. I'm sure my dad felt the same way.

I felt like I wanted to help my mother. But my father's strength was so strong that HE pushed me to the ground. I saw blood. I saw my mother's blood. I screamed and went back to my room to pick up the knife I had used that morning to cut the apples. I took a knife to my father, with already cry dumb voice said: don't fight, mother will die, don't fight.

Mom pulled away from dad, but to my disbelief, she grabbed the knife from my hand. I desperately clenched fists, not to let her grab. But after all, I still couldn't reach the adults of 40 years old. Looking at the fruit knife thrown away from me, I suddenly felt very desperate.

Dad, who was on the side, seemed to be waiting for the moment and saw the fruit knife thrown away. Immediately ran over, at that time, dad's eyes like looking at a dying small white rabbit helpless struggle there. He kicked mom and me into the corner and grabbed her by the neck. Mum was struggling and I was absolutely terrified. Picked up the bench to smash down, at that moment, I imagined that in the TV, dad would faint to the ground. But I was wrong. I was a 10-year-old girl, and I wasn't strong enough to do what I did on TV. Watching dad turn his head, because of the pain and ferocious appearance, I was stunned. Silly, standing there, dad kicked a foot into the body as if there was no feeling.

I leaned against the wall, my father said I don't understand, while a foot of the kick in my body. My mother suddenly came over at this time and stood in front of me, pleading for mercy to my father while protecting me. I seem to have no soul, will only be there silly watching. The whole time, I just despair. I think mom was like that, too.

After my father left, I called the police and waited for them at the door in my thin clothes. I imagined they would come to our rescue. The sky was dark, as if they were grieving for me, and the wind was biting, as if they were comforting me, but it had the opposite effect. The police came, learned what was going on, and said something that made me even more desperate.

If you want to move on, move on. If you can't, move on.

The police did not take my father away, took a brief note and left. I remember a slight ripple on my mother's face after the policeman talked about the divorce. I guess it might be love.

In 2012, I turned 12. After primary school, I watched TV in my parents' room. At that time, mom and dad seemed to have their own little secret, mobile phone on the unknown password. They often fight over some unknown contact in wechat. I don't know if they know about cheating, but I do know that they experience different things when they get caught cheating.

Auntie came to my house again. Auntie is my mother's net friend, my mother plays with her very well. But dad seemed to like going to her house alone, sometimes with me, sometimes with my nephew. Of course, all without my mother knowing. How do I know that? Of course, that's because I saw it.

There was not a cloud in the air, there was a hot sun overhead, there was not a breath of wind, and all the trees stood listless and lazy. After I locked my house, I waited for my friends to arrive while playing with my phone under a nearby pillar. Next to suddenly there was a figure, I looked up, is aunt. My aunt seemed to be in a bad mood and kept talking on the phone after asking where my mother was. I suddenly saw my mother, she did not come directly to us here, but went to grandpa's house a few doors away. I did not understand, so I went to grandpa's house. Once in I heard, my mother and grandmother to discuss how to go out, my mother also want to change flat shoes, like to fight. Hearing the grown-ups talking, I understood. My father is secretly a person to aunt's house, was caught by my mother. Instead of arguing, my mother rationally asked for help first. Just as I sighed, they went out, I seem to see dad back.

There's a fight going on. A bunch of relatives fighting. Dad, as always, tugged at mom's hair, apparently protecting her aunt. I was crying and pulling my mother. I didn't know what to do. I also felt humiliated.

They finally left and I was left alone in the house. I hide in the closet, curled up in the body every day cry. I didn't know what to do, and I was devastated. Why is that? Obviously it is dad's fault, why always hurt mom? I wanted to hide so they wouldn't find me. It was at this moment that I thought of death. I was only 12 years old, and I called the number that people don't want to call in their whole life. I was only 12 years old, and I had this childhood. I was only 12 years old, and I thought about the end of life. After all, still can't do, can only secretly cry.

In the following month, we began to forget this matter, or as always lead a dull life.

My mother is a little strange recently, the mobile phone does not give me to touch, secretly talking about something on the mobile phone. Dad seemed to notice, too.

In the afternoon of one day, all the peace was broken by father's call. My father took my mother's cell phone and pulled my mother's hair and yelled angrily. He called me, and then he told me he found out mom was cheating on him, facetime with a guy. I can't believe everything in front of me, mom and dad have started to do not want this home? Watching my mother being kicked to the ground by my father, I suddenly felt sad for women. Dad cheated on me. Mom's the one suffering. Mom cheated on me, and mom was still in pain. Is it because mom married dad when she was 19, or is it because mom gets beat up because she's a woman. I felt sorry for my mother. She probably knew that my father didn't love her as much as he used to. She wanted to find love to fill the gap. Looking at my mother trembling kneeling in front of my father, I suddenly forgave my mother. I don't understand. Why? Why mother so suffer period also dare not try to resist, this is the humble women?

The mother could not and did not dare to try to resist. She was gone, and it was the children who suffered. She's not leaving. She's the one suffering. She chose the latter. I didn't have the guts to ask her to divorce, and I knew it was impossible. Slowly, I also get used to it. When I saw them fighting, I hid in my room and turned my phone on as loud as I could, so I could forget my sadness for a while.

It's over, mom and dad one after the other. Where are they going? I don't know, but I know it was another big fight. This isn't an argument. This is domestic violence. I walked away in silence, looking at the blood and hair on the ground.

After that, I couldn't seem to be happy about anything. But I learned to fake smile, fake smile to hide my deep sadness.

Extension:

A bad family environment may lead to a lack of love for children.

Either with the opposite sex or with the same sex. I'm afraid to communicate with anyone. Very shy, especially with the opposite sex.

Because insecurity about people, yeah, insecurity about everybody, insecurity about everybody.

Because of the lack of a sense of security, so dare not speak, dare not express, do not know how to express.

Of course, the bell has to be tied. I hope parents can give their children a warm childhood.