Love Carmen

“Kai…Kai, you can’t lie around all day in the grass.”

I rolled my head to the side to see my stepsister gliding towards through the tall weeds that grew along the outer skirts of the pond. Carmen was always looking out for me, making sure I did not get lost in my own world. I loved the realism of feeling the sun on my face, feeling the warmth rise even though I was lying flat on my back. I would listen to the willow trees wrestle in the wind and the birds singing their songs. Carmen’s words came through to me.

“Maybe, five more minutes, I am sure Mom and Dad won’t mind. It is after all a beautiful day and I want to savor this moment.” I giggled as I said it aloud.

Carmen laid next to me and took a deep breathe with me, she too could feel the peace of nature that surrounded us. We had only hoped we could stay there longer. I looked back at the sky to see clouds taking shape. Then, I looked at Carmen for a moment and smiled. When she realized I was staring at her like an idiot she asked me why.

“You’re my hero Carmen, I hope I grow up to be like you.”

Carmen looked at me stunned and said, “I hope you grow up to be whoever you want and don’t let anything, or anyone stop you.” For a moment she went silent and then continued, “We need to safe-keep these moments so that when we are older, we can share these memories with Mom, Dad and who knows, maybe our own children.” I laughed at the thought of us having our own children.

Her words were echoing in my ears. At that time, I was only 15 and she 17, I never did quite grasp why she thought of me as her hero. She seemed to always have a way of understanding the world in a different light, full of wonder and warmth. I took another deep breath and reopened my eyes to see the sun peaking over the horizon and onto the pond where I learned to swim and the patch of grass where we laid that day. Funny I would be sitting at this spot once again only ten years later. It felt like a lifetime ago when the sun had shown down on us, and we began to ponder ideas of our future. Never did I think the year of my graduation from college would be spent alone. That moment hit me once again, remembering how I was gearing up to walk across the stage when I got a call from Sidney Hospital saying Carmen had taken a turn for the worst. She had been battling cancer for three years and I had not been able to talk to her for over a week due to exams.

A void had begun to sink into my stomach and as my arms grew weary, my legs went heavy and I began to drop to the warm granite concrete path that led to the stage. A student that I had gotten close with over the time, managed to grab me before I hit both knees. He looked at my face and without a word knew I had just gotten unexpected news. I stood up as the announcer began the speech and made my way through the line as the students’ names were called. I knew that Mom and Dad would have wanted me to finish those last steps that I had devoted four years to. So, I shook my professors’ hand and tried to smile with purpose, however, a tear rolled down my face while I accepted my degree. I could not bear to look at the crowd knowing that the one person left to be looking for, was not there. I did not remember getting in my car nor the 25-minute drive it took to get to the hospital. When I arrived, she was pale but smiling to see me. I knew it would not be long before she took her last breath.

Shakily, she grasped her words to ask me to ensure she was buried with Mom and Dad; they had passed several years prior reaching their 70’s before going to sleep one night and not waking the next. She consoled me saying, “Don’t worry we will be watching from above to make sure your safe, but we will let you make the stupid mistakes, so we have something to chuckle over together. “I laughed at her remark and she pulled me close so that our foreheads touched if ever so slightly and she whispered, “Be safe and we will be all together in another life.”

With that she closed her eyes, and I felt her head tilt to the side, ever so gently but gracefully. The funeral was beautiful, and her casket hand carved just like Mom and Dads. As painful as it would be over the next few months, I decided to keep the house but took time off to clean and revisit the memories of us all. It would be painful but at least there were good memories. I saved Carmen’s room for last and although I did not feel terribly alone anymore, it just was too quiet for the life that use to swell within these walls.

Her room was well kept as always, and she had a knack for color coding her things. It truthfully was a little easier to handle than expected until I came to her scrap books. She was always taking pictures of us no matter how silly to put in her books. She had meant what she said when she wanted to capture the moments. I sat back on her bed remembering the long humid summer we decided to work for the neighbors so we could earn money and buy our own digital camera. It sounded like a wonderful idea at the time and we had the moxie to do it but unfortunately that year was against us. The moisture was unbearable, not to mention the mosquitos that year were agonizing. Fortunately, though there was the nice cool, crisp pond when we got home. Nothing wrapped up the day like a crispy dive in the pond to just float around and relax our muscles.

We had worked that whole summer and even managed to get into a mud fight in the neighbors’ driveway. Worst way to dig up trees we found was, trying to uproot it with shovels and hedge trimmers. So, we thought let us use a hose and flush the ground to soften the roots. Not only did our neighbors think it was a brilliant idea but also the perfect “dinner and a show moment”. I opened my eyes to bring me back to reality and continue on my way through the scrap book. As I was flipping through the pages and envelope fell out with Carmen handwriting on it. Shaken, I stared at the envelope on the floor up until Mr. Kit our 14-year-old cat decided to play with it. Quickly, I picked up Mr. Kit and lay him beside me on Carmen’s bed. He must have been hiding for some time while I was going through things. Reaching once more to the floor I grasped the envelope and opened it carefully. Inside was a handmade graduation card with tiny photos of us when we were kids and photos of Mom and Dad casually having coffee first thing in the morning.

It made me laugh seeing Dads hair sticking up on the back of his head. And mom, just blissfully looking through the window to see the morning sunrise. I remembered the way the sun would hit just right when it came through the colorful stained windows in the kitchen, it felt like the room would warm from the sun and the walls danced with different colors as the sun rose higher. Carmen had left me a note in the graduation card, it was folded in a flattened origami bird, how quant. When I opened the note, I was shocked to see a map with a purple stamp of a Chrysler Imperial Rose on it. Realizing the map was of our homes little library, I looked for anything that might match the stamp which replaced the good ‘old fashion “X Marks the Spot”. Surprising enough, there was a Rose Stamp on one of the book spines.

The book was black and had an engraving of the name Moleskin, however, there was no other names on the leather cover, and I had wondered why I had never seen the book before. Although it looked newer, I could tell that it was used quite often especially since the spine seemed stretched. I took the book from the shelf and opened to the front page to see another note from Carmen, this one more detailed than the last. She told me that she promised she would find a keepsake of our adventures and thoughts of the future. I gathered that this was a graduation gift, but she must have known she would not be here to give it to me personally. Her note went on to say that she was proud of what I was accomplishing considering the lack of opportunities I had compared to other families.

Carmen had gone off to work in the city for the years I was away at college and always managed to be home when I got time off from school. She knew that I always had to take the extra step to ensure that I could thrive into a successful life imagined by our parents. Continuing through the book, she had everything. Every trail route we took and the stories we told on these travels. As well as the ideals we had when we would become adults. As I made my way to the back of the book there were two pages that had handmade like folders in them, one said “Read First”, it was a letter from Mom and Dad. Going through their final words, they reminded me of how much I was loved and how no matter what papers say, I was always their daughter and they were very proud of me taking charge of my life to be better than what others thought of me.

The last letter was an envelope within another envelope. The first contained an inheritance check of $20,000 with an official letter from Stone and Bridewort Funeral Home stating that this was left to me in Mom and Dads Will, but I was not allowed to have it unless I graduated with my bachelor’s degree. Finally, a note card from Carmen with her last words, “Never forget how proud we all are and always take the next step to your future. You are my hero and I know you will go on to great things. Stay strong and don’t give up, we are with you always.” Love Carmen.