Let the Light Shine In

Life can be so good

Ellen was 10 years old when she learned that not everything about life was pretty or fun or even acceptable.

Up until then Ellen was part of a happy, happy family. Dad was a big guy that loved his family and always put them first. He owned an insurance business and even though they were not rich they were comfortable. Ellen felt so safe when Dad was anywhere close.

Ellen’s Mother worked part time and was primarily a home maker. She loved her family and did everything she could to keep their home running smoothly. Hugs and other types of affection came easy to the entire family.

Every afternoon Ellen and her mother would cook a wonderful dinner and make the most scrumptious deserts. Her mother was teaching her to cook. They both loved their time together in the kitchen.

Shortly before her 10th birthday Ellen noticed that her mother was tired more often and sometimes did not feel up to cooking a big meal. Sometimes Dad even brought dinner home from a local restaurant.

Ellen really missed cooking with her mother and hoped she would feel better soon.

On her 10th birthday Dad brought a birthday cake and fried chicken from the local grocery store. The family gathered around the table to eat fried chicken and sing Happy Birthday. Mom was especially tired that night and did not eat much. Even though they all tried to be festive, Ellen felt sad and anxious when she went to bed that night.

And Then the World Turned

A few weeks after her 10th birthday Ellen learned that her mother had breast cancer. She had been taking treatments, but they were not working. Ellen knew her mother was suffering, and she hated that. The doctors did not expect her to live much longer.

How could this happen? Ellen’s world was upside down. Even though both her parents tried to reassure her, that she would be cared for and be all right, Ellen was terrified and devastated. Her world was truly dark now.

Ellen did not know much about death. She had never even been to a funeral. She did realize that death was forever and could not comprehend how she and her dad could go on without her mother. Sadness seemed to be everywhere.

Ellen tried to focus on her schoolwork, but it was so hard and sometimes sadness overcame her. Her friends all seem silly and too giggly, so Ellen spent a lot of time alone. It hurt to hear them laughing when she felt so sad.

Dad was busy, trying to take care of mom and keep his business running. Ellen thought about trying to cook their evening meals but being in the kitchen without her mother was just too painful. Dad usually just picked dinner up somewhere.

About 3 months after her 10th birthday Ellen’s mother died. It had really happened. She was gone.

Ellen learned about funerals, graveyards and head stones. Ellen learned about grief and how it overwhelms you at the most unexpected times. She learned that her big, typically happy, dad was really grieving too. It felt like they needed to stay away from each other to not increase the pain. Ellen missed both of her parents. Her world no longer felt safe or under control. She felt alone.

Life Just Does Not Stop

Ellen wished that everything would just stop and give her time to grieve and then catch up.

That is not how life works. The teachers still give out homework and have surprise test and even though her dad was grieving too, he did still expect her to bring home passing grades. Ellen realized that her mother would have wanted that too. Her grades dropped a little but with a lot of study they recovered nicely.

Things did warm up, between Ellen and her dad, but their relationship was never the same. Ellen was a stoic little girl. She decided since it was impossible to depend on others, she would have to depend only on herself.

By the time Ellen was in Jr. High School she had made up her mind to become a doctor. She wanted to help women to never have to suffer like her mother suffered. From that point forward Ellen was totally focused on her education. She wanted to get into a good college and on to med school. Not many parties or dances for Ellen. She needed to study, study, study. She had only herself to depend upon.

As she got older Ellen just got prettier. She caught the eye of one of the football players named Clint. Clint was really enamored with Ellen. He tried to ask her out several times. Ellen did not accept his invitation until it was time for the prom. She accepted Clints invitation, and they danced the night away. For just that evening Ellen allowed herself to enjoy being in his arms. It felt so good, so right.

When the prom was over Clint called and called to ask Ellen out again. Ellen was back in her “only trust yourself” mode and needed to study. She refused to go out again.

On to College

Ellen did get accepted into a great college. Even though she and her dad were no long close emotionally, he was helping financially, and she was grateful for that.

Time seemed to be flying by. The days had turned into months and months into years. Ellen enjoyed her studies but realized that she rarely ever felt any real joy about anything. Sometime when she would see other students gathering and laughing on their way to an event, she felt a great deal of sadness. She seemed to put off a vibe that told other to let her alone and they did.

The Unthinkable Happened

When Ellen was a junior in college a terrible thing happened to her. On her way to school one morning Ellen was hit by an automobile. She was taken to the local hospital where the doctors were not sure she would make it. Ellen had several surgeries to save her life. The doctors kept her in an induced coma to allow her brain injuries to heal. Her dad was there with her every day.

When Ellen was finally conscious, she learned that she had lost her left leg at the knee and that her injuries would not allow her to become a mother in the future. She was still struggling to remember things and even words sometimes just would not come. She and her dad cried together many times. Ellen realized she could not go right back to school.

Ellen went home to her dad’s house. Even though she was struggling to get used to the new her, she and her dad were close again and that was comforting. Sometimes she even found them both laughing at his silly jokes and that felt good.

Ellen was going to rehab. She had been fitted with an artificial leg and was learning to use it. She was also having sessions to help her regain her memory and her speech and that was working. Ellen thought a lot about her previous determination to only trust herself and realized that there are times in life that just does not work. What would she have done without the doctors, nurses, and others that helped her and especially her dad who had been with her through every new step and new word?

While she was recuperating Ellen read a lot about how people need others in their life. She also read one book that focused on the fact that we are all responsible for our own happiness and how no one else can do that for us. She realized she had not been happy for a long time. She wanted to feel joy again.

When the new year started at school Ellen went back to finish her degree. She still made good grades but with a lot less intensity. She took time to get to know some of her classmates and even participated in some of their activities. Ellen was still not a party girl, but she was enjoying her new friendships.

Still Grieving

Ellen was still coming to terms with the fact that she would not be able to have children. She realized she really loved children and wanted to have them in her life. She went to counseling and really looked at her goals for the future. She knew she wanted children in her life and decided to become an elementary school teacher. It was far from her original goal of being a doctor but the thought of being able to help children through their trying times of life brought her joy.

Life Goes On

Ellen finished college and got her teaching certificate. She was able to get a 3rd grade teaching position in her hometown and loved being close to her dad. She did love her students and hoped to become a good memory in each of their lives.

Ellen was getting to know a few of the other teachers and becoming friends with a few of them. One of her teacher friends told her she wanted to introduce her to a new football coach that she thought Ellen would like. Ellen had never been into blind dates but now that she was feeling a little more adventuresome, she agreed to meet this guy.

Her friend set up a double date to go out to eat with Ellen and the coach. They had reservations at a nice restaurant in town. When Ellen and her friend arrived, their dates were already there. Ellen realized immediately that she knew this man. It was Clint from her high school days. Ellen was delighted and from the look on his face so was Clint.

It was hard to believe, but Clint had never married. He was a new football coach at a high school in town. From this point forward when Clint called Ellen and ask for a date, she was excited to accept. They both had so many things they had to tell each other that they never ran out of things to talk about.

Clint had had his own share of trauma and they both realized how much they needed each other. As the days and months went by Ellen realized she was really happy. She loved that she and Clint were dependent upon each other.

She and Clint eventually married and later adopted a beautiful little girl. Ellen was back in a home full of love and joy. Ellen just knew that as soon as her daughter was old enough, she would be teaching her how to cook.