Infertility Trauma

Struggling with infertility is something a lot of women struggle with and they may not even know it. When I first started my period, I was quickly encouraged to go on birth control. Had I known, what I know now, I never would have gone on it.

You see, your body is supposed to naturally go through it’s menstrual cycle. Your body was never intended for hormones to be suppressed and certainly never made to miss a period. It’s extremely unhealthy to not have a period, it’s helps your body cleanse. We were urged to consider birth control if we had heavy or irregular periods or periods with bad cramps. News flash, cramps are also not normal on your period, but it’s been so normalized. The food that we consume, contributes to cramping and irregular cycles. Just research it, you will be shocked.

I was on birth control for a few years, then I decided to come off because of the research I have done surrounding this. Little did I know, the damage had already been done. Once I came off birth control, my body naturally regulated its cycles.

It was only when my husband had noticed I was experiencing hot flashes, at 25 years of age, hot flashes. I was also experiencing chronic migraines and have experienced and still do experience, lactating. My doctor checked my hormones and asked if I was breastfeeding or was pregnant because my prolactin was really high. I had never given birth and have never breastfed a baby. This got me referred to a specialist, who determined that I have a non-cancerous pituitary tumour. This affects my prolactin and makes me infertile. A friend of mine recently came off birth control and is also lactating. I spoke with my fertility specialist and she confirmed that it can happen because your body is suppressing its natural hormones, so when you come off, your hormones don’t know how to regulate.

My husband and I had tried to conceive for well over a year even on treatment. We surprisingly got pregnant with twins, shortly lost both. There’s a fear of getting pregnant only to lose them. I find myself testing constantly leading up to the days of next cycle. Praying for 2 lines, but also slightly hoping there’s only one. I find myself often checking the test strips, using a flashlight to see if there’s a second line. I pray for 2 lines because I want a family, but I'm relieved and sad all at the same time when there's only 1. It's a relief with 1 line because then it means I don't have to experience the same trauma I experienced with the first loss.

Even if we haven't consistently tried that month, I still find myself testing. I analyze every symptom I get. If I feel nausea, I think maybe I'm pregnant, if I'm really hungry, I think maybe I'm pregnant. Any potential 'symptom', I analyze and check my PreMom app to see how many days past ovulation I am, how close am I to my period? It's a constant guessing game and psyching myself out for the possibility that I am.

I get first response with lines, it's line trauma. Until you have gone through being pregnant and miscarrying, it's hard to understand the feelings and emotions attached to constantly testing. It's even testing during your period, you know you're not pregnant because your on your cycle, but it's a slight hope that maybe that's pregnancy setting in.

Pregnancy and going through infertility has been a new truama for me. Everything about pregnancy and babies is amazing. It's absolutely incredible what our bodies are capable of doing. Longing to have that experience and even going through it, just to have it taken away from you is traumatizing. No, I didn't meet the babies, but I still carried them for 11 weeks until my body passed them. I even had little bump starting because there were 2, my weight changed, my stomach was shifting. It's crazy how a 'short' amount of time can bring so many changes.

I longed for the waking nights, the coos, the cries, the diaper changes, the cute little toots, the first word, first steps, all of those things. It was happening then not all of a sudden, a loss is a loss, no matter how early the loss happened or what type of bond may or may not have been there. Grief and trauma is a crazy thing.