Incorrigible

FADE IN:

EXT. HOME GARDEN - DAY

ROBERT is on his knees watering plants. He is wearing a LARGE SUN-HAT with a dot of sunscreen on his nose. He crawls over to a tomato tree. He plucks one of the tomatoes and smells it, then puts it in a small bag.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CHELSEA is laying down on the couch, facing the ceiling. Her legs hanging off the edge of the sofa. She bites her lips at a text message and then gets a notification and changes her demeanor. Her eyes widen and she shoots up.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

HEIDI is pouring wine into a large glass. She smiles as the fills the glass up to the very top.

CHELSEA (screaming): Ahh! Mom!

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

HEIDI hears the scream and nearly drops the glass. She calmly sets the glass on the kitchen table. This is priority. She takes the bottle with the remaining alcohol and rushes into the living room.

HEIDI (shouting): How did you find out?

CHELSEA: Mom! Wait what?

HEIDI: What?

CHELSEA: I can't believe I'm saying this but-

HEIDI: You're pregnant. It's fine. Your father won't like it but I can be persuasive.

CHELSEA: No. You are!

HEIDI (chuckles): I'm sorry? No darling, I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

CHELSEA: With a viral baby!

HEIDI: Sorry sailed isn't quite the word. More like sunken. Capsized. No survivors.

CHELSEA: Mom you're viral.

HEIDI (winks): You mean infectious.

CHELSEA: Remember the video I took of you this weekend?

HEIDI: With-

CHELSEA: Yes! That bottle!

HEIDI looks at the bottle of wine in her hand and shakes her head.

HEIDI: No no. It wasn't this one. That video was taken three bottles ago. It could be four. The lines are blurry there.

CHELSEA: Jesus mom that was three days ago.

HEIDI (shrugs): A bottle a day keeps the wrinkles away.

CHELSEA: Anyways...the video has over 20,000 hits on Twitter right now! You're literally famous!

HEIDI widens her eyes. She smirks and looks away beginning to humble herself.

HEIDI: Spare your applause.

ROBERT comes running in from behind HEIDI.

ROBERT: What happened?! Is everyone okay?? Heidi? Chelsea did you scream?

CHELSEA: That was like 30 minutes ago Dad. What if I was in actual danger?

HEIDI: You'd be dead...I think, my dear.

TITLE SEQUENCE.

FADE IN:

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

ROB JR. walks into BISTRO CAFE ready to clock in for work. He walks into the break room and puts his apron on. HANNAH walks up to him from behind.

HANNAH: Someone's happy.

ROB JR.: Oh yes I am.

HANNAH: Do you mind sharing why?

ROB JR.: Do you know what you want to do with your life?

HANNAH (hesitates): I don't know. I figured I'd be just fine pretending to care whether customers get the drinks they order or not. Do you?

ROB JR.: Exactly! That's where I'm at right now. I'll just pretend to care.

HANNAH: First off, I was definitely joking.

ROB JR.: So you don't know what you want to do?

HANNAH: I'm in no rush. Taking it day by day. I'm young. I have a credit card.

ROB JR.: A maxed out one, right?

HANNAH: So you’re a comedian now?

ROB JR.: No. Since I'm officially done with college, I've decided I'm going to pursue my dreams of writing stories. I even thought of one on the way here and it's going to be a hit-

A customer walks through the front doors setting off a chime.

HANNAH (waving): Welcome to Bistro Cafe!

ROB JR.: I guess I'll do my job and make someone's drink.

HANNAH: Please.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

CHELSEA and HEIDI are sitting together on the couch. CHELSEA is showing HEIDI social media accounts on her phone.

CHELSEA: We need to get you on Twitter so you can really capitalize on this.

HEIDI: We can do a meet and greet!

CHELSEA: Not yet. These people don't even know you yet. Let them want to meet you first. Right now, you're a one-hit wonder. It happens all the time. They get 15 minutes of fame and disappear.

HEIDI: I thought the internet was forever.

CHELSEA: You'll need a comeback.

HEIDI: I never left.

CHELSEA (sighs): This will be fun.

INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

CHELSEA is sitting next to a pile of tossed out clothes from Heidi's closet, with a clip board and pen in her mouth. HEIDI turns around from the closet in an outfit she would normally wear.

HEIDI: How is this?

CHELSEA: No. God no.

HEIDI (surprised): I took you to your first recital in this number.

CHELSEA: Well, good job in still fitting in that, I'm impressed.

HEIDI: Your father is too.

CHELSEA: Moving on!

MONTAGE ENSUES:

HEIDI changes outfits...

HEIDI changes hairstyles...

HEIDI changes shoes...

CHELSEA shaking her head...

Repeat...

HEIDI is burnt out on the floor. She's on her knees breathing heavily with a little sequence top.

CHELSEA: Well...the top is cute?

EXT. GARDEN - LATER

ROBERT is trimming his rose bushes and notices something in the distance. He lowers his tools and peaks behind the bush. CLOSEUP of a LIZARD by the flowers. ROBERT slowly approaches the LIZARD.

ROBERT: Now I've got you right where I want you.

The LIZARD appears to be moving towards a small trap that ROBERT has set up for it.

ROBERT: A little closer...come on...come on...

The LIZARD turns around the runs off.

ROBERT (defeated): Damn it!

INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER

ROB JR. and HANNAH are taking orders and making drinks. The café is busy. The duo are working through the rush with speed and efficiency. No more orders need to be taken and they can now just focus on getting the drinks out.

ROB JR.: So what are you doing tonight? I want to tell you about my story.

HANNAH: I could probably squeeze you in.

ROB JR.: Oh are you busy? I can reschedule.

HANNAH: No. I'll just have to stop by my apartment for before our date.

ROB JR.: It's not a date.

HANNAH (gasps): Maybe I should be doing comedy?

INT. HOME - LATER

ROBERT walks into the house after tending to the garden all morning. He see's CHELSEA walking down the stairs to the living room on her phone.

ROBERT: Your favorite tomatoes will be ready for dinner tonight sweetheart!

CHELSEA: So that means no Lizard problems this time?

ROBERT: I lost a few of them...but I was able to secure most of the batch. I almost caught him today. I didn't even think lizards ate tomatoes which further my theory that it's not of this world.

HEIDI walks down the stairs in a full glam look and shades. She is carrying a large black trash bag over her shoulder.

ROBERT: Maybe it's from your world mi amor. Heidi, what's going on here?

HEIDI: Don't you like? Chelsea gave me a makeover.

CHELSEA interrupts her father before he can say anything.

CHELSEA: Mom is adventuring and trying new things Dad.

ROBERT: Okay..? What's in the bag?

HEIDI: My horrific clothing.

CHELSEA: We're going to the local clothes-exchange, wanna come?

ROBERT: As much as I would love to, I really need to make sure dinner is ready for tonight so you ladies go ahead.

HEIDI gives ROBERT a kiss and walks out the door. CHELSEA follows behind her mom.

INT. CLOTHING STORE - LATER

HEIDI drags the large bag inside and looks around the store confused. The store has seemingly endless rows of very trendy and hip clothing.

HEIDI: Oh...Chelsea, I don't know about this.

CHELSEA waves at one of the workers and leads her mom to the register.

CHELSEA: This way mom! My friend can check us out.

CHELSEA helps her mother lift the large bag onto the counter. CHELSEA's friend looks at the bag and her eyes widen.

VERONICA: Hey Chelsea, and hello to you Mrs. Dame.

HEIDI: Hello, hello.

CHELSEA: Hey, my mom wants to know what she can get for these clothes. We're trying to elevate her wardrobe a little bit.

VERONIA (gasps): Oh right! I saw your video! It was so funny!

HEIDI smiles and shrugs with confidence. VERONICA drags the bag down onto her side of the counter and begins to plug information onto the computer.

VERONICA: Alright well...you're all set! Give me about twenty minutes and I'll have all this ready for you. In the meantime feel free to browse the store!

CHELSEA: Take your time!

CHELSEA grabs her mother by the arm and shows her around the store.

EXT. PARK - LATER

HANNAH gets out of her car and approaches ROB JR. smiling.

ROB JR.: I was beginning to worry you wouldn't show.

HANNAH: Well I live pretty far.

ROB JR.: What did you get?

HANNAH pulls out a small zip lock bag with rolled up weed.

ROB JR.: Woah. No.

HANNAH: I thought we could get high while you say your story? Maybe it'll get you some new ideas.

ROB JR.: I've never-

HANNAH: You've never been high?! No wonder you're so uptight. You have to loosen up.

ROB JR.: I didn't know you did this?

HANNAH: Oh if I didn't I'd probably punch you for telling me no. At least try it once. This one time. It'll make the whole story telling thing so much better.

ROB JR.: Out here? That's a bad idea.

HANNAH: We could use your car.

ROB JR.: Your car.

EXT. HOME GARDEN - LATER

ROBERT carelessly walks out to the garden. It's time to pluck the tomatoes. He see's a few more are missing.

ROBERT: No...no no no!

ROBERT runs over to the tomato plants and falls to his knees. Furious he looks around for the perpetrator.

ROBERT: Goddamn it.

ROBERT rushes back inside.

CUT TO CLOSE UP of LIZARD in the grass. Blurry in the background is ROBERT's silhouette. FULL FOCUS on ROBERT in the distance aiming a sniper with a silencer at the LIZARD.

ROBERT's finger is on the trigger.

POV of the lizard in his cross-hair.

ROBERT takes a deep breath and pretends to take the shot, making a gun shooting noise with his mouth. He hesitates again and then refocuses. The LIZARD is still in sight and not moving. ROBERT takes the shot. As the smoke settles, he see's the bullet missed the LIZARD and flew through the backyard fence into the neighbors yard. ROBERT sighs in defeat.

INT. CLOTHING STORE - LATER

HEIDI and CHELSEA approach the register again eager to find out what they got for the clothes.

VERONICA: Alright. You've brought in a bunch of items...I think a record amount today.

HEIDI (confidently): Well.

CHELSEA: How much can we get for it?

VERONICA reaches for a small box to the side.

VERONICA: So, since we already have a lot of item's in store we aren't able to take everything. Also, look and color and overall style and appeal is a huge factor in our decision making process. Basically, we ask ourselves if we would wear it.

HEIDI: That system seems off.

VERONICA: We would like to buy this cute retro shirt and old fashioned scarf for three dollars.

CHELSEA: What?!

HEIDI: A piece...or?

VERONICA: Total.

CHELSEA: That's all you want from this?

HEIDI: Did you say retro and old fashioned by the way? I wore that scarf just the other day and the shirt was a gift to me by my best friend in college.

VERONICA: You still fit?

HEIDI: Impressive, I know.

CHELSEA: Is there somebody we can speak to? A manager or something?

VERONICA: I'm the shift lead actually.

HEIDI: How old are you?

VERONICA: Sixteen. I go to school with your daughter.

HEIDI: And they put you in command?

VERONICA (winks): Impressive, I know.

INT. CAR - MOMENTS LATER

HEIDI and CHELSEA sit in silence. CHELSEA checks the time on her phone. Her mother glances over and then back at the window on her side.

CHELSEA: I'm sorry mom, that was embarrassing. I think your clothes are great.

HEIDI: Do you really believe I can make something of this?

CHELSEA: What do you mean?

HEIDI: Before your father, I was more than a house wife. I don't blame him because he meant well. He took care of us and wanted me to take care of you and your brother. I had dreams though. One of which was to be on a sexy magazine. Any kind of magazine really...teen, elderly, bikini, home decor, cooking, murder-

CHELSEA: Murder?

HEIDI: I just wanted to be out there. I wanted people to know my name. Of course that's every little girls dream. I won a few pageants back in my day. Clarktown's Annual Miss Pretty Pageant three years in a row. The whole town knew who I was. It was a small victory...but still.

CHELSEA: Well you're pretty popular right now. People love your video.

HEIDI: You said they don't love me though. Can I really turn these 15 seconds to 15 years. Hell, 15 days even? I'm sorry I said Hell. That was bad. I said it again. Damn it. Oh no, I'm sorry. Christ.

CHELSEA: You definitely have what it takes. I've been going about this all wrong. You're right. They don't love you right now and if we did this my way they still wouldn't love you. The make up, sequence shirts, high heels...that's not you. Be real with them. Do this social media thing yourself. Reach out to them. Thank them. I got too involved.

HEIDI leans over to CHELSEA and gives her daughter a hug. HEIDI kisses her on the forehead and puts her seatbelt on. CHELSEA does the same.

CHELSEA: What now?

HEIDI: We celebrate my way.

INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

HANNAH and ROB JR. are laughing in her smoky car.

ROB JR.: Wait a second...if doesn't want a kid then how does he end up adopting?

HANNAH: No no no. He does want a kid but he's not fertile!

ROB JR.: So then...he adopts.

HANNAH: This is your story!

ROB JR.: Right...but there needs to be drama.

HANNAH: There also needs to be diversity. The child needs to be Hispanic.

ROB JR.: That's suggesting the family isn't already Hispanic. I'm Hispanic.

HANNAH (laughs): You can only half declare that. Your mother is as white on rice as it gets!

ROB JR. (laughing): I'm sure you got lucky with your mom!

HANNAH pauses. She takes another hit and blows the smoke towards ROB JR.'s face.

HANNAH: I think the story will work out for you. It sounds good so far.

ROB JR.: Thanks. Same time next week?

HANNAH: Oh you can't drive right now. Neither can I.

ROB JR.: So we're stuck here? Oh my god my parents are gonna kill me.

HANNAH: Just rest up. When you wake up you'll be ready to go. I'll keep you safe if you start hallucinating.

ROB JR.: This thing makes you hallucinate?!

HANNAH laughs and lowers her car seat back and gets comfortable. ROB JR. does the same.

INT. KITCHEN - LATER

ROBERT is chopping some of his tomatoes. His attention turns to a knock at the door. The knocking gets a little more aggressive as it goes on. ROBERT tries his best to get to the door as soon as possible. He looks through the small peep hole. Deep breath.

ROBERT opens the door to greet his neighbors.

ROBERT: Mary! Ben! What can I do for you two?

MARY: Cut the crap!

BEN (soothingly): Mary. It's alright honey. Deep breaths.

ROBERT: I'm sorry?

BEN: We just want to know if this was a sign of aggression.

BEN hands ROBERT a bullet that he found in his backyard.

ROBERT: Oh...Ben. No no. Guys we go way back. I would never.

MARY (aggressively): You and Ben go way back. But you and I-!

BEN: Mary. Dear.

MARY: I'm breathing!

ROBERT: Okay. Listen. I was trying to get this lizard that's been terrorizing my backyard.

MARY: Terrorism?

BEN: Did you get it?

ROBERT (defeated): Negative.

MARY turns towards her husband and gives him an understanding nod.

MARY: Torch or Crossbow?

BEN: I think we could cover more ground with the torch.

ROBERT: Wait.

BEN: Shh...we've got it from here partner.

INT. WINE STORE - CONTINUOUS

HEIDI and CHELSEA walk into HEIDI's favorite corner wine store. The walls are covered floor to ceiling in wine bottles. The ambiance is orange and soothing. The cashier notices them and waves.

MARCUS: Heidi Dame! My favorite customer!

HEIDI: How are you Marcus?

MARCUS: All good Mrs. Dame! We've got a fresh shipment of Golden Kiss for ya!

HEIDI: Wonderful I'll take them all.

MARCUS: Heidi...actually, I think I saw you on the phone. You-

HEIDI: Yes! Would you like me to sign something?

MARCUS: I'm sorry?

CHELSEA: Not there yet mom.

HEIDI: Right.

The pair walk off to get the wine from the shelf. Four bottles are lined up in a small section designated for "GOLDEN KISS".

CHELSEA: Is this all?

HEIDI: Oh yes. My favorite brand of Red Wine. I don't drink anything else. They're a niche brand. This store only carries four at a time, no one else cares to buy it.

HEIDI grabs all four bottles and walks over to the register.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

ROB JR. wakes up to HANNAH laughing. She's looking at her phone.

ROB JR.: What's up?

HANNAH: This lady is hilarious!

HANNAH shows him the viral video of his mother talking to her wine bottle.

HEIDI (In the video talking to the wine): I love you. You know that. Oh shh...quiet I'm married! They'll catch us...maybe I want them to...maybe you do too...

ROB JR. (terrified): That's my mother.

HANNAH clears her throat and puts her phone in her pocket.

HANNAH: It wasn't even that funny now that I think about it.

ROB JR.: I should get home.

EXT. HOME DRIVEWAY - NIGHT

HEIDI and CHELSEA pull into the driveway. They both get out of the car and notice smoke coming from the backyard.

CHELSEA: Is dad grilling?

EXT. GARDEN - CONTINUOUS

HEIDI and CHELSEA walk into the garden through the kitchen back door. ROBERT, MARY and BEN are all sitting in a circle. Exhausted. There is a small fire in a rose bush.

HEIDI: Honey?

ROBERT: Oh hi dear. I was thinking, we should order in tonight.

BEN: Hello Mrs. Dame.

HEIDI: Ben. Mary. What happened?

MARY: We just had our asses handed to us.

ROBERT: I don't want to talk about it.

CHELSEA: I'll order us some pizza.

INT. HOME - LATER

ROB JR. walks in.

ROB JR.: Mom? Dad?

He shrugs and goes straight to his room upstairs.

EXT. GARDEN - CONTINUOUS

CHELSEA (shouting): Pizza is here!

BEN helps MARY up. ROBERT see's something in the distance. BEN and MARY look. The LIZARD runs out of a bush.

ROBERT: Well played.

MARY: Yeah I'm not even mad about that.

CUT TO BLACK.

END CREDITS.

Next week: Incorrigible s01e02 - Love.

Episode description: It was the calm before the storm and now Heidi is facing backlash for her viral video "promoting alcoholism". Distracted by her boyfriend coming back from his family trip, Chelsea is of no help. Meanwhile, with Rob Jr. being off for the first time in a while, Robert decides to spend the day to catch up with his son.