In Your Life, I Love You More

The cool Spring air wafts in through the sliding glass door as the sun drops lazily behind the purple mountains in the distance. I wrap a soft quilt tight around the tiny boy nestled in my arms and he nuzzles dreamily into my shoulder. He's been fussier than usual tonight; his first night without his Mommy. My heart swells with satisfaction that he wants me to cuddle him. He wants me, his awkward teenage aunt, not Grandma, not Booga. It's probably because I sound just like Mommy to him. But whatever the reason, I'm more than happy to indulge my sweet little nephew.

He peeks up at me with his big bright eyes and the edges of his mouth twitch up in a half smile. Swaying gently back and forth, I spin in a careful, slow circle, singing the words to my favorite songs. His eyelids grow heavy and droop with sleepiness.

“There are places I remember…” I softly sing, my bare feet keeping beat with each careful swirling step. “All my life, though some have changed.” His breathing comes in a deep, steady rhythm. But I continue to serenade and dance. His father might not like the Beatles, but the little boy in my arms sure seems to be enjoying this song. “In my life I love you more.” As I sing the final words, I look at his perfect little face and realize I have never loved anyone as much as this precious boy.

I have always adored babies and never missed a chance to cuddle one, but this baby is much more special than any other. He's my only sister's child. Not just her first, but the first of our next generation. The tiny bundle in my arms is my family's legacy. And I get to be part of the village that will raise him.

My shoulders feel heavy with the weight of a love I've never known before. It's the opposite of the loving trust I feel for my parents. They protected me and offered me a safe haven from the world. Now, I want to do everything in my power to do the same for this child. I pull him closer to me at the thought of what he may experience in life and tears burn my brown eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks.

I inhale the soft calming scent of his hair and kiss his little forehead. I begin a new lullaby, continue swaying gently around and around in a circle, my long blonde hair flowing back and forth. My arms are beginning to feel tired but I can't put him down. For now he is safe and happy in my arms. I won't always be able to do that for him, so I'm going to make sure this moment lasts as long as possible.

Time passes far too quickly, in a blink of an eye the bouncing babe becomes a talkative toddler. Holding my hand as we cross the busy parking lot, he babbles continuously, recounting the entire plot of the movie we just watched together. I can’t help smiling as his little giggle interrupts his tale.

I find my eyes are darting back and forth, watching his animated story telling one second then checking for moving cars around us, all the while keeping his tiny chubby hand safely grasped in my own. He sometimes still likes for me to cuddle him and rock him, but mostly he wants to run and play. It’s harder to keep him safe now, but my devotion for him has evolved.

It’s more than wanting to protect him, now it's also about wanting to introduce the world to him. I get to watch the wonder of discovery bloom in his bright eyes and share new experiences all over again. The simplest moments bring him incredible joy and by extension make my heart swell with a new love, something I didn’t expect to feel so strongly. We get to the car and I open the door. He thinks he is too big now for me to lift him, so he scrambles up into the car seat himself, a feat that is slightly difficult in the oversized black moon boots he insists on always wearing. His story has continued, non-stop, as I buckle him carefully in before getting into the front seat. I look at his reflection in the rearview mirror and deep in my heart I pray that I will always be this close with him and he'll always view life with this much wonder. One day, I’ll have children of my own, but today this little boy is the center of my world and I am going to cherish every second I can.

Time passes far too quickly, with the turn of a page the talkative toddler has become a big boy and big brother. Another page turns, and the family legacy is now shared by four other little boys, one my very own son. I worry at first that feelings for that first little babe would falter and fade now that I have my own little monster to raise. Over the years, our time becomes more limited, my attention pulled in more directions, and my heart split into more pieces. But the piece reserved for him has only grown larger with each passing year. As I add two more of my own boys to my brood and my sister rounds out the crew with one pigtailed princess, they each claim possession of their own part of my heart. But the part he owns is a little different from the rest; it’s the oldest, the most weathered, and it's stood the test of time.

Somehow, the big boy transforms into a teenager then stumbles his way into adulthood. I watch him along the way, fall and scrape his knees, hit his head, and bruise his heart. He’s too big to cuddle and sing to sleep. I can only be near, waiting for him to come to me when he needs my support. I think back on that day so many years ago when I danced with him. I remember all the things I wanted to keep him safe from, but the world eventually found him and replaced his wonder with jaded apprehension.

Yet I marvel at the strength he develops through his trials. He’s annoyingly smart, charmingly funny, generously kind, and stubbornly resilient. He keeps going through it all and, sometimes, I can still see that wide eyed wonder slip through as he turns the next corner to face his next great adventure. I realize he doesn’t need me to protect him anymore and our relationship evolves. We’re now friends and I can’t wait to see where we go from here.