If We've Fallen Out Of Love, Does This Mean The End Of The Marriage?

I get the "I've fallen out of love" emails an awful lot. Sometimes they are from the husband. But, most times, they are from the wife. I think that it's quite possible that this void is noticed by and felt by women more deeply or that it's possible that women are more likely to act on this. Whoever notices it though, it's often felt as a void or emptiness.

The closeness and "us" factor that you used to feel and experience so deeply that it was almost something that you could reach out and touch is now gone, and has possibly been replaced with routine and apathy. Many times, there is not anger or fighting with this. And, both parties may still respect, value, and actually like their spouse. It's just that they feel or think that they are "not in love anymore" and many will fear that this fact means the end of their marriage or at least the end of it as they once knew it.

While this is certainly troubling and is something that you need to address right away, it's not at all uncommon and it certainly does not mean that you should just throw in the towel. I will discuss some ways to stop this downward cycle, and recapture some of the loving feelings, in the following article.

If You're Not "In Love Anymore," What Do You Do To Cultivate The Loving Feelings?: The most important thing that you must understand is that "being in love" is, at least in later stages, not something that just happens to you randomly or without reason, at least not in my opinion.

While people who are initially falling in love do often feel like they come together as the results of fate, chemistry, or some sort of karmic plan, staying in love after you've been married for a while is no happy accident. If you talk (and listen to) any couple who has been married for a long time and still holding hands and laughing with a twinkle in their eye, they will often tell you that even their marriage as been defined by work, compromises, tending, and give and take.

I understand from experience that it's so easy to "go with the flow" and to eventually take your spouse and your marriage for granted, but if you do this, you run the risk of waking up one day and seeing a stranger next to you. And yet, so many of us know this, but we still do it. It's the easiest trap to fall into to. There are so many other things that are competing for our attention and time.

And often, once you've crossed that boundary and become somewhat indifferent, becoming proactive and attentive again is going to feel weird and it's going to feel like work. But, this is what you must do if you want to be rewarded with those strong, pleasurable, and positive feelings that "being in love" brings.

See, when people email me about this and we start to dialog back and forth, at some point, I will often have no choice but to ask the writer what they do to cultivate the loving feelings in the relationship. And, I often have no choice but to ask how much they give of what they want. For example, if a wife tells me that her husband is just not affectionate or demonstrative, I have to ask how much she withholds her own affection as the result. I'll often get an answer like "well, what am I supposed to do? Be all over him when he's completely cold to me?" Although I understand this thinking, this apathy is only pulling you further away from what we really want, but we can't see this when we are right in the middle of this storm and getting soaking wet.

Understanding That Staying In Love Doesn't Just Happen: Maybe It Shouldn't Be Work, But It Is: Without a doubt, often the biggest obstacles that must be overcome with returning loving feelings is people's assumption that if you are with the "right" person for you, or if you're married to your "soul mate," then maintaining the feelings should not feel like, or even be, hard work or maintenance. Unfortunately, this is just not the case. Any important relationship in your life is going to take some upkeep. This is even true of your immediate family. And yet, we expect our marriage to somehow be different. We expect to get a pass when it comes to this relationship. Unfortunately, few of us enjoy this as our reality.

And, there is nothing that says that the "work" or the "upkeep" must be not pleasurable. You can easily set it up so that the time together that connects you is something that you know that you both enjoy. If you think about it, most of us will put things that we really don't like nearly as much (household chores, our jobs, our errands, etc.) above spending light hearted and engaging time with our spouses. Sure, we are all under economic pressure today. And it's so easy to give into societal pressures and to just gloss over what is truly important.

But, just because everyone else does this doesn't think that you should. A balance can always be struck. It's all about compromise, willingness, and negotiation. This does not have to be a painful process. Just be honest about what you really want to happen and don't worry so much about how you are perceived. If you speak from the heart and make it clear that any discussions will be used to make things better and to bring you closer, most spouses will be more receptive than you think.

How To Get Started If You Want To "Fall In Love Again": Now sometimes when I begin to offer advice about how to get some of the spark back, people will tell me things like "But you really don't understand. When I look at him today, I feel nothing. He does not do anything for me anymore." I'm not saying that there is not a lot to overcome. I'm not saying that this won't take a while. But, I know for a fact that often, placing the attention and the effort back on your spouse and your marriage will usually eventually bring the feelings back as well.

With that said, many people will try to rush the process. They'll schedule a long trip away and have unrealistic expectations. When things don't go as they hoped, they will get frustrated and want to give up. What they don't understand is that this change did not happen over night so it is not going to rectified overnight either. And, placing a lot of expectations right in the beginning is a sure fire way to ensure that you're sabotaging the process.

Start small. Take walk after dinner and hold hands. Go out and look at the stars and talk about your day and really listen as he talks about his. Try to move past the small talk and share the way that you did when you were dating. Be as interested and as interesting as you used to be. As this feels more comfortable over time, then you can focus on the longer and more intimate outings. But, it's often better to move gradually.

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