I Wish You Were Here

14 years ago today, you left us.

I really wish that you were here right now to tell me that Jesus loves me and to remind me to trust in him, but... you taught your daughter well as she keeps reminding me. You'd be so proud of my Mom!

You would love your great grand kids... although I trusted you so much that I might not have been in the position to have my kids had you not left.

I have no idea what I am doing with my life most of the time. I know that the gemstones are calling to me again & this morning they were louder than ever. That rainbow obsidian that you gave me was the biggest comfort when I woke up at 1:30 this morning drenched in sweat from a nightmare I couldn't remember. It took me an hour to remember what day today was.

I still remember the phone call... and the first time I ran from an emotion so strong that it threatened to stop my heart in my chest. I remember realizing that I could stuff my reaction deep down inside for months after the initial shock wore off. You would have been so mad at me for doing that I know... but other people needed me to be strong.

You always warned me to not lose myself to trying to help other people... but I have no idea how I am supposed to not lose myself and keep the peace that you so loved too. You made it look so easy... and I am fighting the flames of making sure that I am safe while trying not to let the flames burn those I care about.

I do understand how to use Reiki better now. I am better at letting the energy flow instead of trying to control it. Maybe I should apply that to my emotions too... but, I am terrified of them and the storm that comes with them.

I wish that I could still say that I am only scared of the sadness and the anger... but now I am almost more scared of the love and the happiness. I'm scared of how my emotions can be used against me. You knew how much I struggled with that as a kid... well... it never got better. I just... have to keep reminding myself that I'll be ok no matter what happens.

Did you know that I kinda copied your voicemail? "and don't forget, Jesus loves you too!"

I hate that I wasn't even thinking of you and then today hit and it was like it just happened. I miss you so much, but if you hadn't have left, I wouldn't have Nana or, quite likely, my little ones. And I wouldn't want to give them up either.

It doesn't make it any easier on this anniversary though.

You probably would have something to reason with the unreasonable emotions that grew with me. I'd guess it would be the same things I use now: White Angelica, Grounding, Peace & Calming, black tourmaline, amethyst (your favorite!), and jasper. I don't have quite as many stones as you always had in your home, but I am working on it!

I want to go to the church you used to attend, but with how great my memory is, I am afraid to go near it. I'm afraid that my memories of your funeral will overwhelm my sense of reality.

I was so angry at you for leaving too soon... and part of me still is... but... I am starting to learn that everything happens for a reason and that it will all work out in the end. I can still hear your warm chuckle as you tell me that patience is a virtue as I tell you that I don't want to learn these life lessons!

Mom reminds me so much of you. Maybe as I age I will become more of a free spirit too... the bright hair, the happy colors, and the mellow attitude. Papa says that you had a fiesty side when you were younger... and every now and then I catch a glimpse as it pokes though Mom's calmness.

I don't know if I have the feistiness of the Irish or if I just have the fire of a dragon within me. You always reminded me that being calm was better and let what will be, be. I still want to burn everything down (metaphorically of course).

Thank you for teaching me all that you did teach me. Thank you for doing so well with your kids. And thank you for always reminding me that I was meant to be different, unique, and special... that it wasn't a bad thing... and that love will win every time.

I don't know if I believe that last part, but I don't remember very many things that you were wrong about when it came to life lessons.

I don't plan on seeing you again too soon... I have plans to live for a while yet. I know that you won't see this until Jesus comes to get us and all is revealed, but I just wanted to say that I do miss you so much and I love you still.

I want your advice on people in my life... only I think you'd just say what Mom does, put very simply: follow your instincts and know that mistakes are what help us to learn... and that only I can live my life. By the way, that is super unhelpful currently - yet I so see myself using the same line in 20 years with my kids. *smile*

Tonight, I am sleeping with that rainbow obsidian... it seems to be the best thing at soothing my aching heart this year. And I pray that tomorrow will be better...