I’m the reason he’s dead….

Dear Mom,

I can’t sleep, I haven’t slept fully through the night in almost 4 years. But you know that already, you seem to always know everything one of your kids is going through. Usually you have some magic words of wisdom that makes everything seem a little less scary, a little less painful, magic words that conquer the monsters in our brains and fills our hearts with love and protection. Isn’t that what a mom is supposed to do? I know bc of you and how I grew up, I’ve tried to be that kind of mom to my own kids- I’m hoping I’m doing an ok job. I want them to alway know they can tell me anything and writhing and it doesn’t matter what time of the day it is. Us Richardsons have this weird habit of epiphanies showing up at around 2-4am when when the rest of the sane world is asleep. This time though I don’t think it’s anything I can share with you. This time the thoughts I have aren’t anything your magic words can fix. This time you might never talk to me again if I share this with you, and still I have to tell you bc it’s eating me up inside and my life is slowly unraveling. I thought this would be my secret that I took with me to the grave, that no one ever had to know about, that I could just swallow and go about the rest of my life But I’m not sleeping even more than before, I’m probably going to lose my job soon bc I can’t keep my eyes open during the day, but if I try to sleep at night I’m met with horrific nightmares of the last thing he said to me. Of the last choice I made, the choice that ruined our entire family. The choice that left blood in my hands that I cannot wash off. The blood red mark that will forever be all over my palms, engraved in my heart, burned into my soul. I killed my brother mom, I am the reason that he is dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner, I’m so sorry that I didn’t save his life.

He called me mom, at 2:47am. He called me and I didn’t pick up. Then he called again at 2:49am and I decided I should find out what the deal was this time bc he wouldn’t stop calling if it was important to him. I was so tired from driving the cape house after such a long day of packing and getting kids ready. I only had gotten here at around 11pm and even talked to him in the way down here. He was fine. More than fine, In fact he told me he loved me and that things were going to be different. He asked me to check on him over the next few days bc I had min idea how hard they would be for him….but that for Abby and for our family he was going to really try and do it. He told me he felt lost, and I told him he wasn’t. That he was just someplace in his life he didn’t recognize yet and that is why it felt scary and unknown. That sometimes change is the hardest thing bc we don’t know what to expect after we do something different than what we always did. I reminded him of how strong he was and that if anyone could do something, it was him. I mean he beat all the odds all through his life why wouldn’t he be able to do it again at 39? I told you all about that first phone call didn’t I mom. I told you how I thought things would finally be better, that he sounded so grounded and real, so honest and present. You didn’t agree with my sentiment though and k got annoyed at you. You told me something felt wrong and you had a horrible feeling. I remember being so mad at you for being such a Debbie downer and that I couldn’t believe that me, mr of all people believed things this time and you didn’t . Wasn’t that backwards??? Weren’t you alway his biggest fan?? So I ended the conversation with you quickly and abruptly feeling for the first time in a long time overprotective of my brother. I didn’t want anyone raining in his parade tonight- I knew he was struggling and feeling ashamed, but he sounded good. He sounded like he had a plan and moving forward things would be better. He would show you mom that you were wrong for not being happy for all of us.

So when the phone rang at 2:47am I sat straight up in bed, my heart sinking. I saw his name come across my phone, and I silenced the ringer. I laid back down and 2 min later I saw it light up again, with his name across the banner urging me to get up and go talk to him before he keeps calling over and over. So I snuck downstairs and sat outside in the warm bug filled air and answered my phone mom. I answered my phone mom knowing what was in the other line wasn’t good- it couldn’t be good. He wasn’t making sense, he immediately started talking once I said hello, fitting off all sorts of thoughts that did t make sense, in this hyper type of way, his tone and pitch getting higher the quicker his words needed to come out. I calmly asked him if he had been drinking mom, I asked him straight out and right away. I knew he was going to get mad and I knew he would deny it. I braced myself for his screams and insults and all he said was “No Jessica I told you, I haven’t been drinking - I just can’t sleep and I need to go clean the boat for dad.” Clean the boat?? Now Donny, now you want to go clean dads boat at 3am the night before 4th if July??? Didn’t you say earlier you were so tired and needed to sleep? Donny go home please- you aren’t listening to me, you need to go home. I asked him one more time if he was drinking and he yelled at me no- for the love of God he was just fine!!! And he hung up. Mom he hung up on me, and I had the worst feeling in my stomach. I dialed your number to the house, and I hung up. I started dialing it again and hung up a second time. I can’t do this to you tonight I thought- you would tell me that you were right earlier, that you k ew this wasn’t a good thing and that some thing always happened whenever we thought things would be ok. But I couldn’t go back to bed, I could t call him back, we would just argue and fight and I didn’t want that while he was driving. So I picked up the phone again mom and I dialed and I heard the other end of the phone say hello, Jess? What’s wrong? I called Mike mom. You remember Mike? The police detective that I’ve literally known for almost 20 years. The one that hit away so to speak? The one who would alway be there for me no matter what. Well he fulfilled his promise in that regard- mom, he actually answered my call at 3am. I know you and dad don’t like when people know our business, but Mike knew everything that we had been through with Donny. He helped ground me when I was flipping out hipster all those times - he kept me sane when I thought I’d go insane from worrying. Clearly this time he would hell me and know what to do. So I told him through tears, that he needed to get my brother off the road. He said what? Why? And I said he claims he hasn’t been drinking but he sounds erratic and he’s supposedly going to the boatyard to clean my dads boat for the 4th of July. I need you to go get him off the road arrest him if you have too. Mom my voice was shaking at that point and I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. Mike couldn’t believe them either and said to me” Jess are you sure?” He just got finished with his DUI and has his license back- remember how mad he was when he lost it- he will never forgive you if you have him arrested tonight and he loses his license again. And since I’m nowhere near the area, I’m at a homicide I can’t go help him get off the road discreetly. I would have to send a patrol unit and they will most definitely arrest him for this erratic behavior even if he hasn’t been drinking . Jess? Is that what you want?? Just tell me now so I can make the call but make sure this is what you want me to do…okay?” So in that instant I knew if Donny were to get arrested bc of me he would never speak to me again, he would be so mad at me, dad would be so mad at me that I had gotten involved and I hurriedly said “Sorry for bothering you Mike, forget I called and asked you that. Get home safely after your shift is over and I’ll talk to you soon .” And before I hung up I faintly heard Mike on the other end of the phone say “It will be okay Jess, he’s done this before unfortunately” and with that I hung up. I hung up mom and put my phone on silent and went back up to my small twin size bed at the cape…surrounded by my kids and their cousins and friends….and I laid my head down on my pillow and went to sleep.

Mom? Do you hate me? Can you ever forgive me for not saving Donnys life that night? I made the decision to leave him be and he crashed his car 15 minutes later. I could have stopped him from dying that night- I could have been the reason why our family stayed intact, instead mom I’m the reason we are all so broken. I made the wrong choice in a split second and it cost my brother l his life and it cost my family their hearts. I broke all of us, mom and I am sorry to have to tell you this now. I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep him safe, I’m his older sister and I was scared he would be mad at me so I didn’t do what I knew was the right choice. When Dave woke me up the next morning and said Jess get up your dad has called your phone like 15 times I knew. I knew something happened, but I didn’t think he was dead. When j heard dads voice on the other phone say Donnys dead…my stomach sank, I was nauseous and I became dizzy. I ran downstairs and hung up in my dad and locked myself in the bathroom. Mom I honestly couldn’t think straight I could t believe this was real life…I couldn’t believe I didn’t stop his death when I had the chance. I knew you guys would never forgive me so I chose not to tell you about that second phone call. Mike is the only other person who knows it happened and he feels just as guilty as I do. Mom I’m sorry, I don’t know how to fix this one this time- I don’t know how to look you in the eyes anymore….your son, my brother is dead, bc I made the wrong Choice. I’m a split moment, I made the wrong choice and now we have to live without him forever, and I have to live with my bad choice forever as well. Mom I’m so sorry, I don’t expect you to ever took at me again in the same way, and I don’t know why I chose to tell you now. I think it’s because it’s eaten me alive from the inside out and I truly have nothing left. The guilt is insane and it’s so much more powerful than anything else in this universe. Guilt and grief have taken over my existence and I deserve this, mom, I know I deserve this. I know it’s why Donny hasn’t come to see me in my dreams or send me a sign, I know he’s mad at me, I know he knows now that I could of stopped it. I know he will not ever forgive me, I know you and dad won’t either, and I will never forgive myself. I’m sorry for keeping this secret so long, I’m sorry that I’m a coward, and I’m sorry I killed my brother.