How to foster your kids’ independence without losing yours

What do we want for our kids? For them to be strong, confident, independent, strong willed, right? Do we want them to be leaders? We want them to forge their own path?

Right, right???

Just not while we are parenting them. Maybe at school is a good place, as long as they aren’t challenging their teachers too much because then we will receive reprimanding phone calls.

Definitely, if they can hold those traits back while we accomplish our agenda, it would be great. If kids could be passive and compliant when we need them, we’ll let them assert their independence between 2 and 4 PM on Tuesday, Thursday and alternating Fridays.

Okay, I'm sorry. I’m poking fun about people, but it’s true. People who have strong-willed kids, including me, can relate. We have busy adult lives and we need our kids to STICK TO THE PLAN.

I’ve been here. I generally only write about parenting situations I have experienced. Because I can tell funny stories and I say “this is how I responded and this is how the situation concluded.” It’s anecdotal, but it’s true, real life. No made up happy endings, because we aren’t at the end.

Anyway, strong-willed kids are tough. They have their agenda; we have ours. And switching them from theirs is tough. Partly because it’s hard for young kids to hold more than one perspective at a time. Even school-age kids can fall into this, where they want what they want when they want it.

Also recognize that you are trying to force them into your way, similar to how they are holding theirs. ANd when we hold that we need to MAKE THEM come to our side, it becomes a power struggle, instead of a cooperative solution seeking exercise.

Sooooo how do we deal, because you know our agenda is actually important?

I know we must work and sleep and clean and buy groceries because life demands it.

All behaviour is communication

Sometimes kids resist getting ready because they don’t want to go to school. Or they don’t want to go home. Or they want to keep playing.

Dig into their thoughts. Why are they resisting? What is their need? Are they tired or hungry? Do they want to play? Do you hate saying goodbye?

Really listen to your child. Really find out what their concerns are regarding your expectations.

Connection is always key

This is the theme of my parenting, writing and advising. Relationship first. The better your relationship, the more you can lead. You cannot build an entire relationship in a day. If you feel you have a good connection and you understand their concerns, then you can work together to find solutions.

Get down to their level, tell them you understand they are having a hard time with your demands. And if you are like me, apologize for snapping or getting upset. Let them know you want to listen and work together.

It may take a few minutes out of your morning, but that few minutes can make it easier. If it’s a bigger concern, you may need a few sessions of problem solving to find a resolution that works for everyone. And do a few trial runs.

Cooperation Reminders

When you agree to a solution, it’s easy to point them to the fact that they agreed to try out this way. It may not work out as you imagined, it might be something that you need to discuss further, brainstorm more solutions, and try again. But it’s easier for them to follow through if they own the solution.

Again, young kids are very impulsive and can only hold one idea in their head, so if you are dealing with a young child, get down and connect, remind them of the agreement. “Remember, we said we’d give this a try. If it’s not working for you, we’ll try something else, but for today let’s do this.”

Kids don’t want to make our lives more difficult. They have their own ideas of what works best for them and how we fit into their plan, just as we have ideas that they will follow along our agenda without a problem.

If only life happened that way.

How do you get your kids to cooperate?

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