How to Deal With the Difficulties You Face as a Step Parent

Step-parents often face an extremely fragile and delicate situation: they can be seen by children as usurpers who have destroyed their family, which is why the other parent left the marital home! When one of the partners of the conjugal couple leaves the family, the changes affect the children for a long time - who can be considered the only innocent victims.

And when a stranger appears in the place of the departed, the children will reject him, because they can only feel the suffering, the suffering that turns into feelings of hatred and rejection towards the one who wants to replace one of the parents.

No matter how well adapted and developed a child is, this situation is difficult for him to manage and consequently, the target of all his frustrations, pains, and regrets will become the stranger who has made his place in his family! Although stepparents often have no role in breaking up the family - marrying the new partner several years after the separation - they will face the passive or active hostility of the children.

Step-parents who take the place of the departed or deceased mother face more difficulties than those who take the place of the father: this is because the mother was the central figure, the one who kept the family together and the emotional figure. The children - who are rarely honestly explained the reasons for the separation - will blame the stranger who "stole their father" and drove their mother away!

This situation is all the more difficult to manage, as children are at an age when they need maternal affection, between 4 and 16 years old! Adolescent children can handle the situation better because, at this age, the group of friends begins to dominate the importance and influence of the family group.

In addition, teenagers can more easily understand their natural parent's needs for companionship and affection - if someone takes the time to talk to them! Instead, young children who have passed their first childhood - when they are too young to understand what is happening to them - will acutely miss their mother (but also their father) and will look at their stepparents with hostility!

Both partners - the natural parent and the stepparent - need to understand that it is not the children's fault, that these emotions cannot be controlled, that all aggressive behaviors come from suffering and pain, or that they may be a sign that the child wants attention and love. the natural parent left! Often, children show jealousy towards the newcomer - a process similar to the jealousy shown when a sister or a brother is born - jealousy from the fear of losing the affection of the remaining parent!

Therefore, they must be given attention and love, explained to them that the newcomer wants only their good and especially to accept their aggressive behaviors for a while, without too harsh sanctions. Everything the child does, he does because he knows no other way to reconcile with the situation and because he thinks he is left alone.

Step-parents need to know these things, know what awaits them, and prepare to face the situation! Even if at first the child seems to receive the news well and does not protest, at some point his confused feelings of pain combined with frustration will still come to light!

Therefore, a period of active aggression - protest behaviors - through which the child is released is healthier than passive aggression. This is manifested by ignoring the stepparent or both adults, withdrawing the child, refusing to perform their tasks. All you can do in this situation is talk to the child and try to get everything out of him: once expressed, the emotions will be easier to control - all with the help of the natural parent!

Step-parents need to know that they will never be able to take the place of the one who left, so it would be better to focus on building a sincere and - over time - a relationship based on affection.

What more can they do to achieve this goal?

● From the moment you enter the family as stepparents, do not act as a boss or a subject! Specifically, don't start giving advice or asking the child for various things right away - you can make an already unfavorable situation worse and you won't get anywhere with him.

But beware of too humble or too conformist an attitude towards the child: if you never attract his attention, if you offer him whatever he wants out of his desire to please you, he will realize that he can use you - but this is not the case. it will make him love you too!

● From the moment you are part of the family, even though it is not your child and you will never be loved as natural parents, behave as if it were your child: this means trying to be always open and available to carry a child. discussion, to explain the situation to him and to offer him support!

Even if in the first period he will behave horribly, after a while he might still come to you with a problem: it is the chance - and probably the only one - to show him that you have no resentments and to lay the foundations of a communication!

● As mentioned, children often adopt aggressive behaviors - usually verbal - towards their stepparents, at least in the first months or even the first year of cohabitation. But beware of harsh sanctions: he will not view them as expected effects as a result of his behavior, but as undeserved punishment and a sign of lack of affection!

Even if the natural parent wants to educate him and not allow him to treat you badly - stepparents - convince him to be patient with the child and try to talk to him whenever possible! If you sanction him, he may avoid repeating the behavior shortly, but his negative feelings will increase in intensity. Hence the difficulty of this situation: without tact, patience, and affection for children, you will not get anywhere!

● Never blame them, especially at the beginning - as stepparents - that he is not your child and therefore you should not take care of him, that he will disappoint you and leave serious discussions about mistakes made by the natural parent - he will not consider that you have the right to reproach him!

● Always be rational: do not let the crises of sadness, anger, or jealousy influence you! As stepparents, you need to give a model to the little one, to avoid responding to his negative emotions with other negative emotions!

Think that the education of the child and the environment in which he grows and develops is more important than the genetic dowry, so try to contribute as much as possible to the construction of an open and emotional family environment! And never forget to remind your natural parent how important it is to spend time with your child.