He failed his hearing test...

"We tested him three times as part of his newborn screening and he failed every time in both ears."

Words no mother wants to hear about her perfect, healthy, newborn baby.

"It is most likely just fluid but we sent a referral to Audiology for a follow-up test in a couple of days."

***

Staring at this handheld monitor and watching the words 'fail' pop up with a bright red background, over and over again. Left ear, fail. Right ear, fail. Left ear again, fail. Right ear again, fail.

"I'm sorry but we need to refer him for further testing. Someone will contact you within the next couple of days to set him up with an ongoing audiologist and ENT doctor. Do you have any questions?

"Uh, yes. Does this mean he is deaf?" I asked holding back my tears. Deep down I knew it wasn't just fluid in his ears. I knew that it was more.

"We will not know how much if anything at all, that he is hearing until he completes the ABR test. We will get it scheduled for ASAP as the earlier we catch it, the easier it will be to get him what he needs."

***

"Hello, I am Dr. Muarina. I am calling regarding Oscar's ABR testing appointment. We need him to sleep the entire two-hour test so if you could not feed him right before and wait to feed him here. Also, don't let him sleep on the way. He needs to be asleep for the testing."

***

O sleeps the entire two-hour test. He does phenomenal. Until the end when we were discussing the results. He was hungry and upset that he was not in a familiar place upon waking. I barely heard what the doctor was telling me. Partly because of O whimpering in my ear to get out of there. But mostly because I knew what she was going to say and I wasn't ready to hear it. I wasn't ready for all of my thoughts and feelings regarding this to come true. I wasn't ready to have to process this, nor was I ready to think about our future and what this meant for our family.

I get O buckled back into the car. Before we get out of the parking lot the tears are uncontrollably streaming down my face. I turn the music up to help drown out my sobbing noises. Not that he can hear them anyway... But the music slowly eases him off to sleep. How in the world is that possible after a two-hour straight nap? I spend the car ride home trying to pull myself back together. He has a mild loss, it's not that bad. Or so they say.

We get home, thankful that no one else is home yet. O and I rock in his chair, our favorite place to spend quality time together. As O nurses so peacefully I can't help but wonder how many, out of the numerous stories we have read so far, did he hear? Thoughts instantly flood my head, how are we going to manage school if he can't even hear the teacher? Is he going to be able to make friends, or will he be the odd kid that wears hearing aids? Is he going to be able to be successful in school or is he going to be labeled and made to go to a special school? Are my family members going to be willing to adapt to his needs? But my biggest worry of all, is he going to be happy? So many emotions pumping through my veins. I am not sure what to do. How am I going to manage all of this?

***

"Hi, Mrs. Wynne? This is Dr. Muarina. I was calling to inform you that Oscar's hearing aids have come in and we will be scheduling his fitting. You should receive a call from scheduling within the next couple of days. Any questions?"

"Is he going to be able to speak or will he need other forms of communication?"

"Oh, Mrs. Wynne, his hearing loss is very, very mild. He will be able to speak just fine as long as he wears his hearing aids consistently so his brain can adjust. However, teaching ASL or another form of communication is never a bad idea."

***

O has had his hearing aids for one week and we already need to send one for repair. We need to figure something out because if this one needs repair again that is $500 out of pocket. After all, insurance only covers one repair per hearing aid.

O's follow-up test is a few days away. I pray to God every day and night that his hearing is getting better. They never have answers for me as to why this happened. I have no history of hearing loss that I know.

Going through all of these websites and resources I was given. None of it makes sense. How much is my baby hearing? They keep saying mild but he does not respond to his name, even with his hearing aids. I am not sure these are working.

I try to discuss it with my husband but he is not interested in learning. He is not interested in putting hearing aids on our child and does not feel he needs them. But, due to the pandemic, he is not involved in doctor appointments. He doesn't have to hold his child and watch him not respond to the noises the audiologist is playing. He doesn't have to hold back tears because it is shattering his heart. It hurts knowing everything your child will miss out on.

***

I take a deep breath as we enter the clinic building. We sit through our one-hour test, O doesn't respond to as many sounds this time as normal. We got a new diagnosis, mild-moderate mixed hearing loss bilaterally. I took that as my child's hearing is getting worse. The audiologist comes into the booth and explains another test she would like to try. O was not impressed. He, of course, decides to take it upon himself and removes this testing headset from his head. Triumphantly throws it on the floor with the biggest smile on his face. It was at that moment I realized, O is not missing out on anything. This is all he has ever known. He did not lose something. He was simply born this way. From that moment on we stopped referring to his hearing as a hearing loss and came accustomed to the term 'hard of hearing'.

We always get the question 'he has a hearing problem?' when someone sees his hearing aids. In which, we continue to answer...

"No, he is simply hard of hearing".

Changing your mindset can change everything about your life. We changed ours for the better.

*** This is a true story, names have been changed to protect identities.***