Happy Mother's Day - 2025

Today is Mother's Day and I am happy to say that the day has been going alright.

It has it's up's and down's - as does any day - but I'm starting to feel more at peace with my life.

• I am accepting that some people will not care that they hurt my kids in order to hurt me. I am also accepting that I am alright with being the pain in their backside if it means that my children might be a little safer. Label me however you'd like, but know this: if you can ignore their pain, then don't be surprised if I ignore your pain. My priority is to my creator and He says, "let the little children come to Me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." If they are already set to inherit the kingdom of heaven, then I'm guessing that He views it as our job to cherish and protect these dear little treasured beings.
• I am accepting that some people will not see it as a "real reality" and question if I am mentally stable because, like how I am deep down, how could anyone who claims to care for children place them in harms way? But, here's the deal... my reality is far more solid than I would like it to be and I'm done with said reality being ignored and rejected simply because I have a disability.
• I am accepting that I will always be wrong in someone's eyes... and it really doesn't matter as long as I am not too worried about what my creator will say. Not everyone has the life experience to be able to relate to me or understand me - and that's can be `a very good thing - especially when talking about trauma!
• I am accepting that I am not the only "mom" in my children's lives - and accepting that I am the only one with the "broken home." I am also accepting that I am the mom who will always do her best by my little's while other people? They may or may not stick around.
• I am accepting that I will fight to protect them from everyone who hurts them to the very best of my ability, but at the end of the day, I cannot protect them from everyone who will hurt them - whether intentionally or not. I can only ensure that I am giving them a safe space to share - and then do my utmost best to advocate for their needs.
• I am accepting that some professionals have not been doing their jobs - and that they will eventually get what they have earned, either from people higher up than them OR from their creator and/or karma.

I am nervous still that I may not be doing enough right. I am still worried that I should be doing more. But, any more than what I am doing? Well, that would be illegal, now wouldn't it? And illegal doesn't help anything.

I am still feeling like I failed as a mother to Michelle Jane, Thomas Michelangelo, and Serena Sue. I feel like I failed to protect them that horrible night... and currently I am still failing my own beliefs and values: I haven't told their dad. I told him when I lost Serena Sue... and said that I didn't owe him anything else - I had fulfilled my word that I gave when he asked for it. He asked to know if I lost the baby (prior to being aware of 3). Only... that wasn't what he had meant to ask for and I know that it was a loophole that I shouldn't have used. I was angry and devastated and scared... but none of those are any type of valid excuse and I need to take accountability and do the right thing. I also need to apologize... but I'm missing the words that I need... and I am terrified of showing myself to be weak. *sigh*

I just... really don't know what to say to him or how to respond if (or probably when) he is relieved... I am expecting it, but my heart is still so very raw and I am a little bit scared that the storm inside of me will escape - and he doesn't deserve to have to deal with that! No one really does and that is why I am still not sharing everything that I feel. It's a stormy mess akin to a hurricane and my words keep getting trapped deep inside my chest.

Plenty of people (mostly professionals plus a couple of close friends) have already told me that I gave him more than was required of me... and my heart feels like it is going to break anew telling him... but I look in the mirror and only see that I am acting out-of-character and lying by omission. I have had to lie by omission plenty to protect others, but this? This is wrong and I know it. I just need to figure out what, when, and how to say it with my voice regularly going out on me.

Today also marks one year since I decided to give that really cute, sweet, caring guy a chance... and that makes my heart ache too because... maybe all I saw in him was a reflection of myself since he was so sure that I didn't really see him. But, usually I can see into people's souls and the only problem I tend to have is that I generally give everyone the benefit of the doubt long past when I should stop giving them that much grace...

I've learned a lot in the last year... and yet as I watched my children give away flowers that I barely squeezed out of the budget to a few people who don't even care an iota about how they treat me, I wonder if I am intelligent at all. Tonight? Yes, yes I am. It isn't about how hard it was for me. It isn't about my financial struggles. It is about teaching my children the meaning of real love. One doesn't show love, compassion, and thoughtfulness just when it is convenient and easy - and one doesn't do it because they have to (because there is nothing saying that I had to)... one does it simply because it is the right thing to do and that? That takes more courage than anything else.

I have learned a lot about myself here recently and I am so very angry...

• I'm angry because had I known more about myself sooner? I wouldn't be trapped in the situation I am in now... but... if I had known sooner? The two things that I care about most in this world wouldn't exist, so how can I stay angry about that?
• I'm angry because everything I am that others have said is problematic? They weren't learned behaviors... this is who I truly am. The freely given love without strings? The open honesty if I feel safe? The need for my little routines? The need for structure? The intensity that I have within me in both good and bad? The need to know the rules and the knowledge that rules and protocols will be followed by people who are actually safe? That is all... just me. It isn't something to be fixed - and nothing that can ever be fixed.
• I'm angry because I'm tired. So tired. Not physically. Just... emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I am not suicidal - but I don't want to continue living like this either. I am exhausted of being what everyone else wants me to be - exhausted of trying to translate all of the time to avoid confronting other people's egos - exhausted of my pain being ignored because I don't "present correctly" - exhausted because every time that I start thinking about just what I want or need? Then professionals switch back to "how would that make other's feel?" I have no clue what I feel a lot of the time... and I'm not supposed to people please or read other people's brains! So... how in the world is that question supposed to help me?!
• I'm angry because so many people want me to talk about the bad stuff... why? It isn't like it is going to fix anything! It isn't like it will be used to help me... just used to better identify how I'm the problem and how to fix me... yet while spouting that I need to love myself?! It makes no sense at all!!!
• I'm angry because I feel taken advantage of... because I hate being seen as naïve... but maybe those are both factually wrong. I know exactly how much someone can hurt me (okay, so the fact that I got pregnant was a total shock, but... in general here...) I knew that he had the capacity to break my heart. I loved him anyway. That isn't naïve... Jesus knew that He was going to die for our sins, He begged God to stop it, and yet... followed through with what was right. The fact that I have morals and values? Doesn't mean that I am naive. The only naivety that I have is not always realizing that I am allowed options and choices - like when my social worker informed me that if I am uncomfortable in a store that I am allowed to just leave my cart and walk out to get away from an individual - and it doesn't require an apology! The only being taken advantage of? Is when people break laws and then try to bully their way into getting out of it or when the previous option applies.

But it is okay. I know, in many ways it is not okay at all, but... let me explain...

• It is okay that I love in a way that isn't duplicated very much in our world.
• It is okay that I have standards for people in my life.
• It is okay that I am trying to figure out who I really am after almost 30 years of being whatever other people needed - and regularly falling back into being what everyone else wants because ... well ... I tell myself that I'm not important enough to just do what makes me happy and that I'm being selfish... even though I would give my friend's the exact opposite advice!
• It is okay that God and I? Well... we might not be on talking terms right now because I feel like He has left me and took everything I had prayed for... and isn't helping - only I see His hand in several things around me and know that I am acting like a petulant child with Him because I don't understand why I am the one who has to be devastated, help my other kid's through their grief too, and the individual who hurt me that night gets away with murder?!
• It is okay if I am difficult. And I am preparing to be even more difficult in regards to some professionals who really need to actually do their jobs...
• It is okay if I am a bitch. I am simply very good at reflecting back to other people who they are... and it isn't my fault if they see their reflection as bitchy... *wink*
• It is okay if I am the only one here who will take care of ensuring stability: in sickness, in health, in poor times, and always. That is just part of being responsible.
• It is okay if all I really want is get a hug... and told that I really would be missed because... enough people have told me how insanely difficult it is to deal with my "nonsense" well... I am not suicidal, but I certainly don't want to keep living when the only way to really "fix" that problem is if I just didn't exist anymore. Truth be told? That sounds like a great solution to my problems too. Not existing sounds... like a relief. Unfortunately, killing myself would be painful (and likely unsuccessful), so the probability of my problems just multiplying means that I'm not going to do anything stupid... but the longing for it all to just be over? Is really strong.

This Mother's Day is the last one in my 20's.

This Mother's Day? I am admiring the strength of the women who came before me... and realizing that perhaps I have that same strength running deep in my veins.

This Mother's Day? I am trying to convince myself that being a bad bitch who doesn't give a damn is perfectly fine for me to be in other people's eyes... because I know that I will do the right thing despite it breaking my heart... despite not many understanding why I would choose to be so stupid... despite it being twisted into "being manipulative"... despite... all of the reasons why I should never, ever just be myself...

I am becoming my own woman who is beautiful. Apparently also on the outside, but I only really care about the inside: my heart is beautiful despite all of it's brokenness! While I pray my children's hearts won't break like mine has, I also pray that they both love this hard, this much, and this purely throughout their lives. I pray that they forgive - not forget - but forgive easily in spite of all of the reasons why grudges are acceptable to so many people. I pray that they do the right thing even when no one is looking - and even when it is so much harder for them to do than most people could fathom.

I am thankful to the women in my life who have (and mostly continue) to show me how to be so very beautiful in ways that no one could ever replace. These women are all very different, yet they are all gorgeous when I stare into their souls (as I have been told that I do when I make very intense eye contact!)... *smile*

Mom, Grandma C, Nana, Nanny, Mom Dee, Amanda, Carrena, Jeanne, Jenny, Candy, Tayla, Gwendolyn, Hazel, Zoe, Ali, Carrie, Kenzy, Chrissy, Kim, Niki, and probably more that I can't think of names for right now! ***Note: most names have been changed to protect privacy***

Thank you all for being there to teach me how to be stronger, how to be more graceful, how to be forgiving, how to hold self-respect, how to be feminine, and how to love myself. Thank you for continuing to support me in various ways. And whether or not I am allowed to say it: I love you all so much!

Any time that any of you might wonder if you would be missed by anyone on those long nights that we all eventually experience? I promise that if I ever care about what you say... stop myself from saying something... well... it means that I either love you - or am terrified that I might not be able to handle the consequences... but then you wouldn't continue getting access to me, so... I love you. No strings. Nothing more than just child-like love and admiration... and nothing that is manipulative. I may not always show it correctly... but you all are very close to my heart... and I'd miss you so intensely that I hope that we can delay inevitable farewells as long as possible!

Thank you for giving me so very many invaluable gifts: lessons, time, experience, advice, love, hugs, etc!