Grief

As a young girl, I read Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ books to understand more about loss, dying and death and learned about her stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Subsequently, I can now see firsthand that grief is not linear, neat and orderly. It is not a check-the-block and then we are done. Grief is messy, does not go away, time does not heal and we do not “get over” a grief situation. We cannot replace loved ones or return to how things were. I have also over the years seen the devastating impact of well-meaning comments or even that the grieving person feels that there is no one to talk to.

I have noticed that people also rally around the grieving person until the day of the funeral and then they fade away. I speak here of the traditions and rituals of which I have experience.

Grief is not a recipe, a well-tested formula with predictably sequenced stages. Grief, like a fingerprint, is unique to each person.

As a Coach, I work with people experiencing grief from the loss of loved ones, relationships, employment, change in status and a myriad of others. I also have not been spared my own share of grief. As part of me understanding more about grief, I have read Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. In this book, she has written a chapter on “Places we go when we are hurting” and includes anguish, hopelessness, despair, sadness and grief.

Anguish is a word that resonates with me as I see that in many clients. Brené describes it as a combination of shock, incredulity, grief and powerlessness. Anguish takes away our ability to breathe and think and forces us to the ground. The powerlessness in anguish comes from us not being able to change what has happened. We also cannot reverse or negotiate what happened.

What can we do with anguish?

● Temporarily distract ourselves with a to-do list, but anguish makes its way back to us (think here of the to-do list leading up to a funeral or the to-do list when setting about finding a new job or moving country.)

● We can stay crumpled but re-engage.

● Get help

● Pretend all is okay and hang our anguish on rigidity and perfectionism and silence – a case of the “show must go on” vibe.

People may also be surprised when grief has become a familiar part of their lives that anguish can pop up again.

I have seen that people in grief question the meaning of their lives and ask how they will carry on living. They search to find meaning again.

Brené Brown describes grief as being made up of loss, longing and feeling lost.

Loss may not be as a result of a death or deaths. Loss can be from any significant change.

Longing – we keep on yearning for what was and to touch what was. We feel obliged to keep our yearning to ourselves though for fear of being thought as strange, losing it and out of touch with reality.

Feeling lost because every part of us is turned upside down emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually.

The world responds by expecting us to get over our grief or labels us as psychologically abnormal.

I like the meme that mentions that grief does not get smaller with time like a shrinking balloon, but instead our lives expand around our grief and grief stays the same size. This, in Atlas of the Heart would be describing Integrated Grief – where grief finds a place in our lives and becomes familiar. This would then follow Acute Grief which is the early stage of grief.

We also get Complicated Grief – where the person does not adapt and move to Integrated Grief but stays in Acute Grief. This kind of grief requires a mental health professional trained in complicated grief work.

Atlas of the Heart also talks about Disenfranchised Grief where a person’s loss is not recognized by others as a loss. I think here of my mother’s miscarriage when she was 34 years old and had two children of 13 and 15 years old. I can remember how it felt as people glossed over her loss and told her silly things like she was too old or she already had two children. My mother internalized her grief. I somehow knew this was wrong and I regret not supporting her more. I also needed to forgive myself for not knowing how to support her as I was a child.

My suggestions

● Stop trying to contain grief, define it, minimize it, apply a timeline or send well-meaning memes.

● Suicide is a real possibility but pretending that the person’s grief is abnormal or “enough now” and that everything is okay doesn’t make the risk of death by suicide any less.

● You cannot fix grief or make it better.

● Insomnia at night and sleeping all day is normal and probably falls into anguish or in the loss, longing and feeling lost part of grief. I have been told that sleeping was easier than moving.

● People want to go back to who they were pre grief. They will go forward to who they are with grief.

● Your grief journey is unique to you. Do not feel pressure to conform to some other person’s idea of how grief should go.

● Do not expect a grieving person to be where they aren’t in their journey with grief.

● No two days will be the same. It is your journey, no matter which way grief steers the day.

● You will find that grief and heartache will appear to suffocate you.

● Your situation is in all probability cruel and unfair.

For Coaches

Spend more time in the R of GROW. The person has just been catapulted into their new Reality and they are in no way able to imagine Options or a Way forward. Sit with them in their Reality and listen and even cry with them. There is plenty of time for the G, O and W in the Grow Model.

To all of you doing life’s journey with grief as a travel companion, I send you love, hugs and support.

Colleen Qvist

Life Coach, Facilitator, Speaker and Radio Anchor