My family has moved on without me

I’ve been left out by my family. I sit back and watch as their lives move on while I’m stuck on repeat - working a mostly mundane, thankless job, staying up late to try to reclaim some hours to myself, overeating to comfort myself, zoning out to a Netflix show I’m half interested in - waking up to repeat the cycle all over again. A part of me asks, “what am I doing? I’ve been here before. I thought I overcame this.” The truth is that I’m slipping back into old habits. Why is this happening? It’s because I have no stable grounding. I am a master of none. I have no expertise in anything. My days are taken up by my very own black mirror I keep with me at all times. Scrolling endlessly, losing track of time, losing any coherent thought…losing any motivation or inspiration to dive deep into a hobby or learn something new.

It’s bittersweet to see the photos come through the Frameo or Snapchat, a beautiful yet painful reminder of what I lack - a family of my own. My family has their own family now, the next generation already thriving with memories of holidays and doting aunties. And for me, I am left unfulfilled and dreaming and hoping and crying in private moments alone. When will I have that? I ask God through my tears. Do I not deserve that too?

I wipe my tears and take deep breaths to calm myself. I put on the smile and happiness act, because “no one wants an unhappy grump” when the family is here with their new little families. I was deemed “the funny one” in my family. Always the jokester. The baby of the family, always expected to give everyone a good laugh. Because no one who has ever had a humorous personality has never been depressed, right? Plus, “why can’t you be happy for them?” And “are you hurt because you’re jealous?” And “It’s not all about you, you’re being selfish.”

I ease back into my place, never wanting the spotlight, that was never me. It’s easiest to do what I’m good at - fall away, slip into the background of it all, quietly unnoticed as I fade…isolation becomes normal and familiar now. No one asks a single detail about my life. What does it matter anyhow? I think to myself. I have nothing new or worth mentioning in my life. My family stopped getting to know me at some point. That’s when I guess I got left behind, left out. Forgotten. My mother only sees my weight gain. She can’t talk about anything else - as if that’s all there is to me. She sees my weight as me. Everyone has moved on, they have their own families and little ones to occupy their time now. So it’s easier to put on a cheery face. But I am happy for them. After all, they are my family. I want to be in their lives actively each step of the way. I don’t want to miss out on the big events.

So for the sake of my family, I swallow my hurt. Time and time again I force down the heartbreaking ache of the emptiness I carry, like a heavy winter coat. My family has moved on. They’ve left me out. I’ve accepted this. Will it ever be my turn to experience the joy and fulfillment of a family of my own? That hope dwindles with each day that passes. I try to be hopeful. If a husband does not want children, and his mind is made up, there is no coaxing him into it. Besides, who would want to bring a life into this world with that precious soul knowing they were only half wanted? A wife wants a baby, a husband does not. The man has made the decision for the both of them.

. . .

There is no ask of sympathy here, but when these thoughts are heavy, I rely on getting my words out in the hopes that I can have some small and temporary comfort. My family has moved on. And as for me, I will continue to silently fade back into my mundane day to day routine. My family will continue to go on, as they forget me over time. As they forget the little things about me. The things that used to make them laugh and smile. I did my part to play happy as I faded away more and more over time. Unnoticed over the years. Retreating away quietly. It was never about me in any way, and it hurts… but it’s ok. I will keep fading away. Fading, fading …

~