Grief: A Widow's Perspective

Grief. It’s a small word. One syllable. Yet, the amount of weight that word carries with it, is absolutely astonishing.

It seems as though most people have heard about the various stages of grief. Denial, when one is simply not ready to face reality and in essence shuts down. Anger, when one realizes their reality just turned on its head and is looking for someone or something to blame. Bargaining, when desperation sets in and one pleads with all the powers that be to just fix it. If they fix it things will change. Depression, when reality really hits hard and even getting out of bed is a struggle. Guilt can rear its ugly head here too. …And then of course, there is acceptance. Where we are supposed to say, “This is life now, it can’t be changed, move forward.”

This concept, the idea that grief happens in stages… it is, in my opinion, incredibly misleading. It promotes the idea that grief is a finite thing. That there is an end and if you can just work through all these stages and get to acceptance everything will be okay.

The truth is though, I’ve been through all these stages more times than I can count. I’ve joined multiple support groups trying to navigate the loss I’ve endured and the only thing I’ve really learned is that… Grief isn’t something that ends. It’s not something you “get over” or even “work through.” It’s a load we learn to carry. Some days that load is lighter than others, but it is always there, weighing on your chest and shoulders making it just a little harder to breathe. Really, the loss endured is permanent, so why should we act as though the grief left in its wake isn’t?

In the beginning, when the world begins to crash down around you and reality sets in, people usually have some level of support. Friends or family to turn to. People giving condolences and what have you. You are not left alone in your grief… but days pass and slowly the support you had trickles away. You find yourself alone in your grief, because either people don’t understand why you haven’t “gotten over” the loss, or because you don’t want to burden anyone else with it. Maybe you don’t want to stir up memories for others. Support groups, of course, can help curb this reality, but grief doesn’t happen on a schedule. So, in those unexpected moments when you hear a song, see a picture, or simply think of their name and find yourself crying… you cry alone. Grief can be a truly lonely thing.

There does, with time, eventually come a day where you feel almost normal again. The tears are spaced further apart than they once were and you start to find small bits of joy in life again, but with that comes a new hurdle. Guilt. For that first moment you oh so briefly forget the loss. For that first time you find yourself feeling happy without that person. For even briefly considering the idea of meeting someone new. Small little moments that to anyone else would seem insignificant, but to you it is so much more.

Please don’t mistake me, grief isn’t always crippling. It comes and goes at different levels, sometimes a faint ringing in your ears and sometimes a loud screeching banshee that’ll bring you to your knees, but regardless of volume- there is no mute button.

Eventually, you do learn to live your life again… but it isn’t the same life. It isn’t the life you knew or the one you wanted, but you live it just the same. A day may come along where someone new enters your life and fills a small part of the hole your loss left, but it will never fit entirely because it’s different. It isn’t exactly the same as it was before, no one can truly replace what has been lost. A remarried widow is still a widow- she just happens to have a new husband. That loss just becomes a part of who you are.

I suppose my final thoughts on this matter are for those dealing with grief. I know what I wrote above may seem disheartening, but don’t fret. Do not let the weight of grief hold you down. Find a way to carry the grief in a manner that doesn’t break your back. Yes, you will always have to carry it, but you will get stronger and the load will get lighter with time. You may not believe it yet, but you are going to be okay.