Gel Pen Stars on Black Leather

“Let me take that mom!” Jamie took the cardboard box from her mother’s hands.

“I’m not an invalid, you know! I can carry a freekin’ box!” Dana responded. These days Dana was always angry, but Jamie ignored it and took the box from her mother anyway.

“I know mom, but I just didn’t want you to get dizzy.” This had been a hard year for Dana, for Jamie, for all of the family. Since her brother was killed ten months ago things had gone downhill pretty fast. It was good to be moving. Good for all of them to start over in a new home where memories weren’t lingering in every corner. Jaime hoped her mother might regain some interest in life in a new place. The stress of Toby’s murder had reduced her once vibrant, active mom to what seemed like an ancient shell of her former self. The stroke she suffered left her dizzy and disoriented. She forgot things. She used to spend hours singing in the garden as she pulled weeds and pruned her rose bushes. Now the garden was a silent tangle of weeds and Dana sat, silently mesmerized for hours by online slot machines. At least moving was forcing her to do something.

“Why do I have so much shit? No one needs all this, just take it all to Goodwill.”

Jaime laughed. “You can’t give everything you own to Goodwill. We can go through it and see…”

“No! Get that box out of here! I don’t want it! “I don’t want any of it!” Dana started to cry.

Jaime was almost getting used to this new version of her mother, but the truth was that she missed the one who laughed all the time, the one who was so smart, the one who was kind and patient. She supposed she should be glad the damage was not that bad. Her mom could talk, walk, even drive a car. She lost some hearing and vision on one side, but the worst was this change of character. Anger and impatience were Dana’s new normal. Jaime hoped that time would ease the grief they all had suffered and that her mom would find joy in life again.

Jaime’s heart was in a thousand pieces too. The morning her brother Freddy called to tell them that Toby had been killed was the worst day of her life. It didn’t help to know that he had died bravely by trying to protect others when a deranged lunatic went on a shooting spree at a party. Dana said it gave her peace and that she forgave the man who shot Jaime’s baby brother. Jaime wished her mom would get therapy, being strong for the both of them was taking its toll on Jaime.

“You know mom, you don’t have to be so mean and hateful all the time, I’m only trying to help you.”

Money had been hard since her mom was barely able to work now. She didn’t qualify for a disability because she was technically still physically able to work. There were many days when Dana wouldn’t speak a word to anyone and of course the random crying. That should normal for a person who loses a child. It is, but it doesn’t fit in a business environment where you need to be focused, put on a smile and talk to clients. The family leave helped, but Jaime had been forced to take a break from college to work part-time and care for her mom.

Jaime remembered as a child running down the cow painted hallways of Gateway Computers when her mom worked there and years later visiting her office at the University with her friends after school when her mom was a research advisor. Dana would tell the story about her very first job. She said she met the owner of a huge fancy restaurant in New York. The place was an old castle built in the 1800s which was converted to a restaurant. It was haunted she’d told them. Dana told the owner she wanted to work there and he asked how old she was. She was only 15 so the owner told her to come back when she was 16. On the day of her 16th birthday instead of going home after school Dana got off her school bus near the restaurant. She went straight to the owner and said “you told me to come back, well today I am 16 so I am here for my job.” She started that same day. I was sad to see Dana now; a woman who worked her whole life barely able to hold a conversation and scraping by to just pay the bills.

“Mom, what is in this box?” Jaime asked. Dana had stopped crying, stopped packing and was playing Slotomania like a zombie.

“I don’t know, don’t care.”

Jaime thought she’s better double check before anything did get donated. The box held books mostly; some old papers that really should have been thrown away. Dana was probably right, just give it to Goodwill, but at the bottom was something she recognized.

“Mom, isn’t this the little black leather notebook you had when you worked for MCI?”

Jaime pulled the black notebook out and saw the doodles she had made on it with her gel pens when she was in 5th grade. The pink and blue metallic stars and palm trees, cats and peace signs were faded with age but still quite beautiful against the soft black leather. Jaime remembered the big antique oak desk where her mother had kept this notebook so many years ago. It had a pocket in the front, Jaime ran her hand inside and sadly found it empty. It opened with a zipper and as Jaime sat down to look inside her mother quickly grabbed it from her.

Jaime could not begin to comprehend the look that came over her mother’s face. It was as if she was seeing an old childhood friend, exuberant with nostalgia. Dana sat beside her as they read the pages and sifted through old newspaper clippings. She read aloud a fisherman’s report that recounted the time Jaime had been on a boat in Florida when they caught a 6’ foot shark. The clipping told how the 3-year-old Jaime claimed to have caught the monster with her Zebco reel complete with plastic fish-shaped lure. There were addresses and phone numbers of friends and relatives from decades past. The numbers were probably obsolete, land lines from a time before cell phones. A photo of Toby sporting a bowl haircut brought tears of laughter and a brief moment of relief from this dark cloud of mourning.

“Oh, Jaime, I am sorry I have been so distant and such a bitch. I’m having a hard time with all of this, but we will be okay. I just need time and I have to work through this in my own way. I know Toby would not want me to spend my life like this, but…”

“It’s alright mom. I know how hurt I am so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you.” Jaime turned the pages in the book. “What’s this list of letters and numbers?” She handed the book back to her mom.

Dana looked puzzled for a second and then a look of sheer disbelief came across her face.

“Oh my God! I forgot all about those!” She went to her laptop and after a few keystrokes turned to Jaime in amazement. “I have $20,000 in stocks I completely forgot I had!”

“What? How did you forget something like that?”

“I bought some shares back when online trading first started. I think it was back when you were really little. It was only a few hundred dollars and I didn’t really know anything about investing. It’s like when you put money in a drawer and forget about it until you find it later.”

“Wow, mom what are you gonna do with it?”

“I have been worried about not being able to work full time. This isn’t a lot of money, but I can sell some of these stocks to help with the move. I won’t feel so frustrated about you having to take care of me. I know I will get back to where I feel up to working again and this will buy me a little time. Maybe I will try to get in touch with some of the people in here, I can get some new rose bushes for the new house and who knows where this new chapter will lead.”

Dana closed the spinning cartoon reels and fake coin payouts and began a new phase in her healing. She got quickly to work updating her stock account, placing an order to sell most of it and transfer the funds to her bank account. Business accomplished, she continued to look through the pages in the black notebook, google searching the names and places and smiling where she sent a friend request on social media. Jaime watched, thanked God for giving her hope and knew they would be alright.