For Sarah

As a child I never got a chance to stick to my hobbies. For my family it was far more important to have good grades at school than having hobbies, so I never had the time to explore nor to perfect what I thought I was good at. So, as an adult I tried a little bit of everything to figure out what I liked and most importantly to see which hobby could help me heal my childhood traumas, my anxiety and my depression. Singing, gymnastics and dancing, none of those helped. I felt like I lost my passion to explore new things, I felt like I lost my motivation. I was basically a living dead, just working, watching tv and waiting for the weekend to arrive, you know, I was being like any other normal adult on this planet.

Along came my baby Sarah and with her all my childhood traumas and mental issues came back again. All these things I was trying to hide in mind so people could see me as a normal person were not hiding anymore. I needed to find help so my emotional baggage wouldn't fall on my baby, that's when, out of nowhere I started writing. That's right! Writing! But I didn't write just random things. I wrote about my feelings, about my recent breakup with my ex- fiance /baby daddy, about my father's neglect and about my mother’s death. I pour everything out. It was like my daily medicine. Suddenly, I felt less stressed, more motivated, braver, happier and most importantly I felt relieved that my Sarah didn't have to deal with her mommy's mental issues like other kids do. I wrote all my pains away. I left my anger, sadness, resentfulness and powerlessness on a piece of paper. Maybe I’m not the best writer but I’m so happy that I finally found my hobby, my thing to do. What distracts me and takes me away from my frustrations and worries.

The way I write my thoughts might seem different than usual. In my style of writing there are no bad words, no depressing quotes and no philosophical and profound sentences. Let me explain you why.

At first, I started writing about my problems as if I was explaining all my issues to my daughter, she is only 2 years old. But I started to imagine, what if she asks me about her dad in the future or why mommy and daddy are not together anymore or what if she ask me where grandma is and how did she die.

If my daughter asks me that right now I couldn't explain all of these things with my own words, I would have to grab one of my writings to explain everything to her.

In my papers I write about mommy being a queen living in her own castle and daddy being a king living in his own castle and my Sarah is our princess who gets to see and live in two castles every week. I also write about my own mom and how she gave me a dozen flowers before passing away, one rose to represent each of the following values: self-love, self-esteem, respect, confidence, strength, intelligence, empathy, humbleness, kindness, love to others, hope and gratefulness.

I write about warriors, about roses, about queens and about stars just to explain to my daughter about grown-up issues but with the eyes of a child. And that's my way to get out from this planet full of boring grown-ups and go to explore the world as I was a child as well. Because at the end we were all children at one point, but we forgot about it.