Expensive Soap & Broken Cycles

If you are a parent, you are more than likely well aware of the criticism that will surround any and every choice you make. There is a proponent and opposition to every possible facet of you parenting life. There is an "expert opinion" to agree or refute any action you put into play. Today's contestant-peaceful parenting.

What is peaceful parenting? It's really not complicated at all. Nothing you would need a course in, but possibly some deprogramming. Peaceful Parenting is simply raising your children without treating them as sub-human. It is taking the practice of physical punishment, verbal abuse, and shaming out of the equation, because they have no place in the shaping and molding of a young human who has less experience in life than you. Heck, they have no place in any relationship dynamic, old or young.

As the movement has gained momentum, I have seen more and more critique and defense of the practice coming to the surface. You've likely seen the comment that "peaceful parenting does not equal permissive parenting," and it's true. Parents who want to cultivate a loving and nurturing environment are not trying to cut correction and good guidance out of the equation. They just don't believe, or if they have employed this logic for some time, they know, that you do not have to use corporal punishment, performance based/reward, verbal abuse or shaming/belittling to control or create a decent human being.

It has been said that our inner voice is established by the time we are about 6 years old. The way we view ourselves and coach ourselves is formatted during our earliest years of life, and consequently, is largely shaped by how those around us treat us and speak to us. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Our young emotions and understanding of the world around us are so very new. This is the period of life(hopefully) where we develop impulse control. We begin as toddlers (teenhood's twin), who feel a lot of feelings yet don't know what to do with them. We might have adults in our corner who reprimand and remind us daily that we are bad, and that get frustrated by our inability to restrain emotion, which usually will also end up being used against us ("if you don't stop crying...if you act like a big kid, etc.."= shame, fear). Much of this is learned behavior on the parent's part. If this is how someone was raised, and unless they have taken the time to do some deep introspection, they are likely going to carry on the tradition. Chances are it will be justified with an, "I turned out alright...". Children in these situations often adapt to please (although some may lead rebellion their entire lives), but the product is not a reflection of gained control or emotional maturity. They simply learn what feelings aren't safe to be expressed, thus supressing them, and they learn how not to get caught.

So what is the alternative? Peaceful Parenting. Identifying emotions. Validating feelings. Explaining consequences. Holding space. Patience. Compassion. Evaluation of self, which is sometimes a little painful. Embracing the idea that we are a team with our child, rather than an expert, and that we can work on ourselves just as much as our child needs help and guidance. Modeling growth and forgiveness-of others and self. It takes more time, so maybe that is why we are so resistant to embrace this practice overall. We are busy, tired, and stressed. The difficulty of a toddler or a fournado at the end of our day can push us to our very limit. It's for this reason we have to have grace for ourselves as well.

But will this bizarre, hands off method actually produce humans that know right from wrong?

Absolutely.

My youngest child has been my most challenging to date. The youngest of four, he is the poster-child for 'baby of the family.' The spirit and determination of this child I could have never anticipated or prepared for, and I thought I had a few that took the trophy already. No, this child was made to challenge every conviction and theory I had formed or held dearly.

A few days ago, he got upset with me about something. He had asked to do a certain activity, and I had told him that I needed a few more minutes to finish up what I was doing before I could do said activity. Cue meltdown.

Now, he has always, always had a short fuse. Like since birth. His emotions have always been very trigger happy. Much more so than any of our other children. (I experienced a lot of emotional trauma during his pregnancy, and I have theories, but that's another story.) His impulse control is something that we have had to be very patient with and work on diligently. It has been slow going, but there is steady progress. So my natural instinct, the one I came pre-programmed with from my own childhood, is to feel angry toward this outburst. I could even take it so far as to be offended that this child thinks my world should revolve around him, when I clearly have a dozen other responsibilities and people who need me as well. But that is not what I saw.

I saw a little boy who has always had to share his time with me. He has never known a life that didn't share my love or attention. I do not know that experience, but I can empathize with him. I also realize that I do have a lot of demands and responsibilities on my plate, and that more often than not, this boy has to hear "..in just a minute..." when really all he is wanting is some time with me.

I did have to finish the task at hand, so I gently told him, in between his screams and lashing out, that I loved him and wanted to spend time with him if he could just be patient for me so I could finish up. He wasn't having it. He eventually left in a raging fury down the hallway, and I finished up my task. When I called to him afterward and tried to soothe the hurt and carry out his wishes, he still wasn't having it, so I just had to let it go for the time. He was hurt and wanted nothing to do with me.

A few hours later, we had moved on and were doing other things as a family in the living room. I had walked back to the hallway, and upon passing the bathroom I noticed what I thought to be a puddle of dog pee. Only it looked, pinkish. I finally saw the bottle of dog shampoo on the sink and deduced that it was, in fact, dog shampoo. I went to the living room to ask if anyone knew what had happened, as this was an expensive bottle, and I was irritated to see half of a cup pooled in the floor. My little one, well past his earlier hurt, looked over and said, "Oh." He dropped his head, walked over, and took my hand, leading me to the bathroom. On the way he began to tell me, in a voice that got more and more shaky and breaking as he walked, "You remember when I was mad at you?... well I came in here....and I did it." By this point we had made it to the door and he was in full blown heaving sobs, saying, "I'm sorry."

My trigger response could have been anger. Frustration. I could have gone straight to shame and punishment. I know a lot of people who would. But what I saw was a little boy who did make a poor choice, but owned up to it when he could have easily played the clueless card. Not only did he own up to it, he felt remorse. THAT is a growth and learning. At this point I just sat in the floor and held him while he cried. I acknowledged that he must have felt very hurt by my not being there right when he wanted me to. I also explained how important my jobs are for him and everyone and that it was never my intention to hurt him, and apologized. I told him I was disappointed that he had poured the soap out and that we needed to figure out how he could make it right. (He cleaned it up). I confirmed to him that I loved him and that he matters to me and that I was proud that he told the truth and took responsibility. And that was that.

Will he make a bad choice again? Of course he will. He is human. Just like I am. Just like you are. But growth is there. Maturity is beginning. All I have to do is nurture it.