Empty Nest: The Single Parent’s Guide to Letting Go

The years between the first time you see your precious little one after birth and the day they leave home are both endless and short. Before you know it, the tiny human you once held in your arms and stared at in awe is forging their own path under their own roof.

Married parents have the advantage of having each other when their children leave home. They have someone who understands their feelings and is right there in the middle of it with them. But what about us single parents?

We might think we’re prepared for the empty nest, especially if we’ve shared our kids with the other parent. We might think the weekends or weeks that our kids are with their other parent have prepared us for what it’s like to have an empty nest, but the reality is so much different. You might go through the first couple of weeks, or even a month, before you notice the difference — but you will notice.

You might even be looking forward to an empty nest. But you can still be unprepared for what it will really be like. So pay attention and consider these words of advice before your kids leave home. Get ready now so you can make the most of it when your last little bird flies away to their own nest.

Start early

Whether your kid leaves home at 18 or 25, you know it’s going to happen one day. So there’s no reason to wait until they leave before you get ready.

The shift from daily parenting to adult children on their own leaves you with a lot of free time. For many, the struggle to adapt to an empty nest comes from not knowing who they are outside of being a parent. Everything they’ve done for the last two decades has been about their kids, right down to an identity that consists of “Jane, John’s Mom.”

Maintaining an identity separate from being a parent is critical. If you’re worried about this, it’s not too late. You can begin exploring your identity now. Who are you, besides your kids’ parent? What do you enjoy that doesn’t have anything to do with parenting? What do you live for, stand for, believe in, other than your kids?

Meditation, journaling, and other forms of self-reflection can help you with this. The other items in this list can also help with it.

Accept your feelings, whatever they may be

The feelings that come with an empty nest are just like any others: some you expect, some you don’t. You might expect some anxiety over not knowing where your child is or what they’re doing. You might feel a giddy excitement over having the house all to yourself. You might get a little sad when you make dinner for one and realize you made your child’s favorite meal.

Whatever you feel, accept those feelings. They’re all normal and natural. This is an enormous change and you’re going to go through a whole range of emotions.

Accepting your feelings doesn’t mean acting on them, however. While you might need to accept anxiety over not knowing where your kid is, that doesn’t mean you should text them a dozen times and call half a dozen more trying to find out where they are. Acceptance means just that: accepting that you are anxious, accepting that you can’t change it, and accepting that this is your new reality.

Seek support from other single parents

A married parent has their spouse to commiserate with over their child moving out. They have that connection, that partnership, to help them get through the early stages of the empty nest. As a single parent, you don’t have that built-in support system.

So you need to seek it out for yourself.

Whether you look for an online forum or a local support group, finding other single parents who are going through or have been through this will help you navigate this new territory more easily.

Reach out to friends and family as well. Even if they haven’t been a single parent going through this, your own parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and friends who have already watched their children leave home or who are going through it now can still provide support. An empty nest is universal to all parents, and the struggle is very real for many, single or married.

Explore a new hobby

I encourage parents to engage in self-care and hobbies, but I also know that there are some things that just don’t mesh well with parenthood. The empty nest is the perfect time to explore those things!

Now that you’re no longer responsible for your kid every day, you can explore all those hobbies that you felt were too time consuming or dangerous for a parent. You can pick up the hobbies you put down when you became a parent.

If there’s nothing new you’re interested in right now, dive deeper into your existing hobbies. Find plenty of ways to fill your time because you’re going to have more of it now.

Don’t lean on your kid for support

When you’re a single parent, the parent-child dynamic often takes on more of a team aspect. This makes it all too easy to try to lean on your kid for support when they leave home. But this is a mistake. It’s not fair to your kid and it’s not fair to you.

Remember back to when you moved out on your own for the first time. Did you want to talk to your parents all the time? See them all the time? Try to make them feel better about you embarking on adulthood? Of course not!

Your kid doesn’t want to do that either. And they deserve, just like you did, the chance to embrace adulthood and their new freedom. They shouldn’t have to balance that with supporting you.

It’s not fair to you, either, because you have to get used to your child not being a part of your daily life anymore at some point. Leaning on them for support just delays the inevitable. It will make the eventual shift that much harder.

And, if you lean too hard, you could push your child away. Instead of finding the new relationship you’re meant to have, you could end up having no relationship at all because your adult child gets frustrated and cuts you out of their life.

Plan fun things with your kid without intruding on their freedom

Perhaps the coolest thing about your kid leaving home is that the time you spend with them is much more meaningful now. Because it’s limited, and you’re not having to parent them in the same way, it can be more fun and enjoyable now.

When you make these plans, though, do it like you would with a friend. Don’t intrude on your kid’s new freedom by telling them when or insisting on what you do or where you go. Suggest something fun and work with your kid to plan the when and where.

Also, resist the urge to ask why if they say they’re unavailable. It’s difficult to realize that you’re not privy to their every move anymore, but you’re not. Show them that you respect their adulthood by not asking.

Though it may be tempting to try to see your kid every day if they’re nearby, limit yourself. And while you’re at it, resist the temptation to simply drop by. You might have plenty of excuses, from the thing they left at home that they might need to the great deal you found at Costco and picked up for them, but your kid will see through the excuses.

Set some new goals

You’ve spent at least the last 18 years, and possibly more, with parenting as your top priority and raising good human beings as your biggest goal. But now they’re grown and responsible for themselves. And that means you get to set goals that are all about you again.

Do you want to go back to school? Build a bigger, better career? Travel the world? Whatever goals you want to set, get started.

You’ll have more time and energy to devote to your goals now, as well as more freedom to move, change your schedule, or put cash toward them.

Whether they’re goals you put off in favor of parenting or new ones that you’ve only just realized you want to achieve, setting and working toward new goals will give you something productive to do and help keep your mind off worrying about your child now that they’re on their own.

Rest and relax

Parenting is hard work. You committed to it for 18 years, and if you have multiple children, you’ve put in even more than that. You did a great job and it’s time to kick back and simply be proud of that.

Yes, you still need to be there for your adult kid. They may not need you in the same way, but they’ll still need you. Whether it’s for advice, help when a car breaks down or they’re late with the rent, or something else, you can be sure that your child will still reach out and need you sometimes.

But on a day-to-day basis? Your work is done. Your child is an adult, responsible for their own life and happily living it. That means you get to rest and relax.

Read books, watch TV, or take that yoga class you could never get to before. Get reacquainted with taking naps. Go away for the weekend alone or with friends. Enjoy the free time you have now.

Embrace the change

Think of this as being a new adventure for both of you. Your child is tasting the freedom of adulthood for the first time, and you’re getting to taste it again yourself. Like when you once left your childhood home, you no longer have to answer to anyone.

No need to get home to relieve babysitters or ensure your teen doesn’t worry — or make sure they’re home on time. No need to make meals that everyone will eat — you can make whatever you want to eat. You have complete freedom once again.

Just like your child, you are now free to live a life that is entirely of your own design again. Why not embrace that?

Listen closely to what’s said — and not said

For as much as you need to step back and let your adult child live their own life, you also need to pay attention to know when they need you. As a freshly minted adult, with all the adult responsibilities they’ve never had before, your kid might not always know when they’re in over their head. Or they might know they need help, but be unsure how to ask for it — or if they should ask.

So listen closely to what they say and what they don’t say. Pay attention for the clues that they could use your help, even if it’s just in the form of some guidance or advice.

And don’t hesitate to let them know you’re still there. Remind them that whether they’re looking for some words of wisdom, a ride to work, or something else, all they need to do is ask. They’ll appreciate knowing they can still count on you, even if they don’t need that help right now.

Use technology to stay connected

Whether your child lives just down the street, across town, across the state or halfway around the world, technology can help you stay connected even when you’re not living together anymore.

There are plenty of options to help you stay close with your child. From texting to calls to video chats, even simply being friends on social media can help you keep in touch. You’ll probably find that a combination of several options creates the best connection.

Work together with your child to figure out the best options that work for both of you. Whatever you land on, make sure that you don’t go overboard. For example, don’t expect daily video chats.

Encourage their independence

Remember how it felt when you moved out on your own the first time? It was exciting, but also a little scary. Paying bills by yourself. Coming home late at night to an empty, quiet house. Hearing new sounds and being all alone. Navigating taxes, insurance, and remembering to buy toilet paper.

It can be a little overwhelming and sometimes it feels easier to fall back on a parent. And as that parent, especially if we’re struggling with the empty nest, it would be all too easy to let them.

But the best thing you can do, for both of you, is encourage their independence. When you know it’s something they can handle on their own, encourage them to do so. If you can see why they might have difficulty, see if you can offer guidance without actually doing it for them.

Encourage independence in other ways too. For example, if they mention they’re going away for the weekend, don’t bombard them with questions about where, who with, and when they’re leaving and coming home. Instead, tell them to have a good time and you can’t wait to hear the details later.

Be welcoming to significant others

Now that they’re an adult on their own, your kid is going to meet plenty of people you’ve never met. The same is true for you. And now that your child is an adult, you no longer have to weigh their feelings about your significant other the way you once did. Of course, they also don’t have to weigh yours.

While this is a relief for both of you in some ways, it can also complicate things. They might move relationships more quickly than you’d like to see, or they might date someone you aren’t particularly fond of. They may be cool and distant toward your significant other.

Make it a rule to be welcoming toward significant others. Even if you don’t like them or are worried, welcome them into your home and your family. Unless there are signs of abuse or other mistreatment, you should bite your tongue on any negative opinions unless specifically asked.

Your child will appreciate the warmth of you being so welcoming and so will their significant other. This will help you keep a closer connection with your child.

An empty nest is a new beginning

We often focus on the empty nest as an ending: our child’s childhood is over. Our days of parenting are over. But it’s much more than that.

An empty nest is also a new beginning. It’s your child’s first taste of the true freedom of adulthood. It’s your chance to put yourself first again. It’s a chance to form a new and different relationship with your child, one that’s built on being friends, being equals, rather than being parent and child.

Focus less on the ending and more on the beginning. The past may be over, but the future is wide open and ready for anything, for you and your child.