Grief

Grief is complicated no matter who you’ve loved and lost, grieving your child, no matter the age, adds a layer of pain and desperation that is unimaginable.

November 5th, 2019 my entire world collapsed around me when my son made his transition from this life to the next. Although talking about my son, and sharing my memories about him is important to me, and something I do regularly, this, is about me, and what grief and pain do to a mother who has lost her very heartbeat.

Grief, at first, is all consuming. The pain I felt never let up... it was debilitating, like drowning in an ocean with no life preserver to hold onto. Eventually, the waves become further apart, but they hit with such intensity, it literally takes my breath away and pushes me to my knees.

My son has been gone 7 months, 7 days, 1 hour and 59 minutes at the time I write this. You see, just as we remember the joy of bearing our baby, we who are grieving, remember the exact moment when our child’s heart stopped beating, and ours continued.

There is guilt, just because we are alive and our child was not afforded the same opportunity. There is anger, I find myself lashing out at those who mean well, but are so uncomfortable witnessing our pain, they say things that cut to the bone. Things like, “he’s in a better place,” or “you have to move on.” These are never things you should say to a grieving mother. These things, while being said to offer comfort, are akin to telling us to forget our child. That, is something we will never do. There is insurmountable pain... agony in your very soul.

A mother, while not minimizing a Father’s pain, has a different relationship with her children. We carried our babies, we experienced great pain to bring them into the world, and we experienced total, unconditional love for someone else; many times for the first time in our lives... a child’s birth, gives a mother, the ability to love wholly, without reservation, and without expectation of anything in return. It truly is a blessing to be a woman and experience this magic. With such great love, comes even greater pain when you lose someone who taught you how to love so greatly.

I have found that for me, anxiety and panic have become as common as breathing! I fear losing those I love now, more than I ever have! I have been medicated to “help get through” what the Doctors don’t understand, is I will never “get through” this. I will go on, because there is no choice! I am not brave, or strong, I am simply doing my best to honor my child’s life, and continue to love him from here.

I talk to my son every day. I don’t THINK I’m crazy, but maybe I am - maybe insanity is a byproduct of this pain? I cry myself to sleep most nights, and pray my son will visit in my dreams. He hasn’t come yet.

While my circumstances and family are different from anyone else’s, I can assure you that all grieving mother’s feel this unrelenting pain, and I can assure you that what we need are family and friends who will give us the privilege of sharing our tears, our memories, and our pain. Please know, a tight hug for a grieving mother means more than a million cards of condolence or words meant to comfort. Allow a grieving mother to grieve as long as necessary! Be there to listen, and offer a hug, share her tears and help lighten the heaviness that grips her heart every hour of everyday. Recognize and acknowledge that she WILL have “bad” days.... love her through those days. Don’t forget her, because for you, it’s been a long time since she lost her child, for her, it’s every single day.