Dream house

This is a church in Fayetteville, Arkansas that I was lucky enough to get to play acoustic music in while I was on tour years ago. This would be my dream home. A beautiful structure surrounded by greenery and open air. I would not change anything about the space, and would use it for recording music and having performances. Maybe I would build a separate structure for guests to stay in and also a separate shower and restroom. A big open space like the bathrooms I’ve seen in Sweden before. I would hike throughout the day and make music and cook and be completely self sufficient.

The woods mean so much to me. Some people see the New York City skyline and there hearts are full of joy and blissful, energetic and wistful. I see the streams and blue spruces, pines and animals, and I am completely calm. My heart beat slows down, my breath becomes deeper, and everything makes sense. Trump no longer pisses me off, and I just feel sorry for how off his rocker he is. I want him to experience the same calm, the same serenity. I want him to understand that when is locking away children, he is committing the worst atrocity. I want him to feel the pain and anguish he is causing. To cry the tears of thousands of scared children, alone and scared, hungry in giant prisons miles from their sobbing mothers. He will know the worth of emotion and tear down his casinos. He will build reservoirs, plant trees, and restore the balance of life. This is my dream, all represented by my glass church in the woods.

The idea of raising, and just starting, a family, terrifies me. To bring children into a world where people are murdered for the tint of their skin, is completely mad to me. It feels selfish. I already feel selfish in life. Like making a song, pursing my dream, buying instruments and living my life how I see fit, is all so utterly self indulgent.

I see the joy, the complete and unbelievable love a parent has for a child. But I also see the years of my parents fighting. I see my tired mother who barely ever gets a thank you for her endless energy and broken back from carrying the weight of an immature partner and lost children. I see a father who never matured because he though the path of a pastor would somehow compensate for his gambling debt and disrespect for his wife. There are so many things that scare me. To raise a child be provide... it just never feels like enough, and I haven’t even started.

But I am single right now. I will not curb my enthusiasm and optimistic nature. Things can get better. I certainly fucking hope we get Trump out of office. That Joe Biden and Kamala Harris turn things around. That corona settles the fuck down. That people wear masks and stay at home. That I fall in love with someone that blows me out of the water. All these things and more.

There is a girl named Sabrina who I have been talking to a lot. Maybe we can start a home and a family. I would love to be proven wrong! She does like Western swing and she’s an environmental scientist and a musician. So this may be the dream come true, the dream I never saw coming...

Life is about adapting. About being open and willing to change. About making decisions that make you feel better in the morning. I am sober and I teach music full time. I spend time with my family and I quit New York City. These all feel like decisions that will lead me to the next phase. I am ready for it. So ready.