Don't Choke on Your Own Karma

Reading all the specials in the cooking section of Woolworths, all that my brain can keep overthinking is ‘Just grab whichever one you want. She’s probably not even going to come!’. But that was the problem! What if she did come and all hell would break loose if I did not have the one cake she liked. Or it would be because I chose wrong and unhealthy choices!

“Why am I even fretting over cake! Its MY baby shower for Christ’s sake!” I exclaimed to myself.

Realizing I have just said this aloud amongst however many customers, I just grabbed the trusty old Devil’s Mud cake and decided I would be happy with that. My mother will just have to put up with it! Making my way to pay, I had overheard an older lady causing a scene about some chocolate cake mix and how it hospitalized her daughter in law due to an unmentioned choking hazard the nurses still can not figure out. Surely not, I thought to myself. Maybe something fell into the cake they made and unfortunately, she ended up with the slice of chocolate cake with the choking hazard? Regardless today was not the day I began to get paranoid over brown powder mix.

Coming home, I let out a sigh of relief seeing my husband and kids greet me in the driveway to help me take the groceries in. with a peck on the cheek we all went outback to set up for our miracle event, Our baby shower. The kids were setting up the streamers and balloons, Matt was beginning to cook up the barbeque and guests started arriving. Our back table started piling with present upon present for our expected baby boy and I was in the kitchen preparing the chocolate cake. Everything was going swell, and I had an emotional cry over the support we were receiving. Wiping my tears away with my chocolate smeared hands, I continued mixing the batter and then poured it into the cake pan. An unexpected tink hit the bottom of the pan with the mix and I just to it as a dent was correcting itself.

“Typical. Too lazy to get a professional to bake you a cake and so you settled for making a three-dollar cake from Woolies”. Oh, I know that narcissistic voice from anywhere. I made a mental note of ‘strike one’ of the crappy remarks that my mother decides to throw at me. I will not let her ruin mine and matt’s day.

“Hello mother, yes cheap chocolate cake because I take pride in homemade rather than spending an arm and a leg” I replied in a snarky tone. She scoffed and walked outside and decided to start making herself look like the perfect mother/grandmother. That woman has no end to her conniving ways; I am counting on her striking out so I can kick her out.

“Your daggers are almost falling out of your head my love” Matt whispered behind me.

“I’m sorry dear, she’s been here barely five minutes and already I’m furious. Bub’s not happy she’s here either because he’s been kicking away” I teared up.

He held me closer to him in comfort and kissed my forehead. I felt so safe but was rudely interrupted by the ding of the cake being finished in the oven. Pulling away from our moment, Matt went back outside to finish up the barbeque, which my mother was nit-picking about no doubt. And I quickly placed the cake in the fridge to cool as I started whipping up the icing. I’m not sure whether it was baby brain, or I was hallucinating but as I was tidying up as well, I noticed a large caution warning on the side of the cake box.

‘CAUTION!!!!!!! DO NOT FEED THIS CAKE TO NARCISSISTS, MANIPULATORS OR ABUSERS THAT HAVE CAUSED TRAUMA! THE IMPACTS OF CONSUMING THIS PRODUCT WILL BE DETRIMENTAL TO THEIR HEALTH AS MUCH AS THEY HAVE BEEN DETRIMENTAL TO THE PERSON MAKING THE CAKE! PROCEED WITH CAUTION’

What kind of a caution label is that? Did some sick teenager think it was funny to ruin a childhood favourite cake? I shrugged off the thought quickly and decided it was just a prank by some silly kids, continued to clean up and it was time to finally ice the cake. It smelt so good that I wanted to just eat the whole thing now. I held off my urges and iced it so beautifully it looked like it came straight from the bakery. I patted myself on the back and took the cake outside to the food table with the rest of the sweets. My mother, however, was following me the whole way sniffing out my delicious chocolate cake before opening her gob.

“I hope I will be getting the first piece of that. You know, just to make sure it is not poisonous! Also, because you wouldn’t have such fantastic cooking skills if it weren’t for me” she spoke with her nose in the air.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to greet my mother and father-in-law with a warming hug. They have been so supportive of me and matt throughout our entire journey and they have taken us and the kids in with such open arms that I completely forget about my mother at all. It feels so nice to have a family finally-

“Attention everyone! I would just like to make a toast to my daughter! Though you have had your fair share of off moments more than anything I’d like to congratulate you to finally opening your legs to the right person! And of course, thank no one other than me because none of this would have been possible if I had not of had you… although I would’ve like to have had you with a different man that is for sure. So, everyone raise you slice of chocolate cake and dig in! hopefully it’s not as bitter as your hosts personality!”

Is there no end to this woman! With pure rage in my soul, I stomped right up to my mother as she began to take her first bite and I shoved her entire slice of chocolate cake right into her stupid face!

“How dare you humiliate me on a day that’s not even about you! Get out! You will have nothing to do with the rest of this pregnancy, my other kids or me ever again unt9l you learn to grow up and realize the world isn’t revolving around the sunshine you think is coming out of your asshole!” I screamed.

Little did I notice that halfway through my speech, my mother had then begun choking on her cake and turning a light shade of blue. I was staring in shock that I could not move or do anything. I was just a statue and just like that, she dropped like a sack of potatoes with no ability to breathe. Matt is trying to get my attention behind me as he has got the ambulance on the phone but all I can focus on is the shocked screams from other guests and the deepening colour of blue on my mother’s face as she is reaching for me to help her.

To be continued…