Dear ———-

I genuinely thought about making this a thank you letter. After what you did I’ve grown so much stronger. I’ve learned and grown and had some incredibly beautiful experiences throughout the past year. However all of the good in the last year is Not thanks to you or a trial. What doesn’t kill you does not make you stronger, Our choices make us stronger. I will never thank you for the positive effort my family and I have extended. My family woke up and drove me to the hospital. Angels surrounded me during those 10 hours. My family prepared their home and gave me a blessing the next night. My family slept next to me that night. My family made sure I went to the gym morning after morning and the temple week after week even though I was scared. My family sacrificed a good 6 months basically breathing For me and prioritizing my healing when they still had their own lives going on. My Savior lead me to the love and direction of my Heavenly Mother. My Savior helps me keep healing every day. My Savior put this family in my life and was there for me even while I was cursing him.

I am proud of myself and I can’t believe I can actually say that. satan really almost had us there in the 2nd & 3rd quarter. I’m so proud of the vulnerability I have faced in literally Sharing my heart with the whole world on social media despite the sacrifice this has caused. I’m proud of the compassion I’ve shared with others who’ve experienced similar hardships. I’m proud that I can stand up each day without wishing my life away. I’m proud of the hope and faith I work hard to use and feel. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in my relationships with boys in dating. I’m proud of the effort I’ve extended in my rollercoaster of self worth. I’m proud that I’m ok. I’m proud of the wisdom I’ve gained in my perspective of life and living.

I’ve learned that the world is a scary and dark place. I’ve learned that God’s children are often struggling with horrors that we cannot see or understand. I’ve learned about the incredible reality of divine femininity. I have learned that I am not alone. I have my Savior who can understand what no one else can. I also have people/ family here for me. I know that not everyone has people, but I do. I can’t even express or voice everything I’ve learned. I am a different person. For a while that hurt. I felt the loss of being a different person. I mourned the girl I used to be. I mourned my naïve, innocent, silly view of the world before. I mourned my reckless love of life. I mourned the freedom of never knowing what depression felt like. I mourned. I was devastated that I would never be the same. But now I celebrate the difference in the person I am. I am so much more capable of sharing unbelievable empathy and love. I am better at setting healthy, intentional boundaries for my own protection and the benefit of others around me. I’m never even close to perfect but I have hope for the growth I’ll continue to make.

———- I’ve spent the last year trying to write you a letter and I’ve never gotten far. I thought this would be like a middle finger album. I was expecting some Taylor Swift, f-the patriarchy, type of anger. I thought I had to express the pain and damage and absolute horror I’ve experienced because of you, but that’s not who I am right now. Of course I’m angry. I’m angry for millions of ppl; every person who’s suffered ANY type of abuse. However, from day one I was the bigger person; And that hasn’t changed. I reported you bc I believed it would benefit you and be a chance to bring you to your God and get you help for the problems you obviously have. I felt compassion and empathy for you and your family immediately. I’ve put your name on the temple roll dozens of times. I don’t know why I’ve had so much charity for you but I believe it shows my character vs yours. You hurt me with no remorse and yet I still want the best for you. I still see you as God’s child.

This isn’t a thank you letter for you but I guess it still is a thank you letter. It’s a gratitude to my God for the people he put in my life & the progress he’s helped me make. The strength to fight and push through to the person I am becoming now. I wish for everyone to have an Amber in their life to be the wise nurturing big Sister they needed day after day. Or an Uncle Ben to show the example of a good, safe man when all trust or faith in that had been broken. If only everyone had a Kellie to drive & meet them to go inside and pick up their Panda Express order bc they were too embarrassed by the puffy eyes & tears on their face. A Maclaine to keep them moving. Always encouraging their growth and progress. I pray that all can have a Katie who can prioritize checking in day after day and make sure they don’t have a choice about taking care of their own well-being. All of them there to make them get back on their feet instead of just giving up the way they want to.

———- despite the hurt you’ve caused me. My life is beautiful. I’ve had angels with me. I’m growing. I’ve been blessed in innumerable ways. I know you’ll continue living your own life, working on your own trials and goals & I accept that. If you haven’t experienced the kind of love and healing that I have, I hope you will.

With true charity though not quite forgiveness,

Jordan